To have children or not - how do you decide???

VestanPance

fawd1 wrote: »

I find that a really odd thing to say. I can't imagine why anyone not truly happy in their relationship would want to have children. For me, I loved my DH so much that I loved the idea of having another person that would have parts of him and parts of me, was the clincher.

That seems the normal way of things to me. Anyone having kids with someone they are unhappy with sounds like a mental case to me.

SuzieSue

fawd1 wrote: »

I find that a really odd thing to say. I can't imagine why anyone not truly happy in their relationship would want to have children. For me, I loved my DH so much that I loved the idea of having another person that would have parts of him and parts of me, was the clincher.

Yes, I can't understand why someone who isn't happy with their partner would want to have children with them either but I think a lot of women (and pehaps men) just want someone to love.

Good for you that you want a new person to have parts of both of you, but I also love my partner as much, if not more, than you do but I just don't feel the need to create another person.

catkins

Reading through this thread, it seems as though a lot of people think that couples choose not to have children because they want to travel or want material things. This is not always the case. It certainly wasn't in my and OH's case.

I did state some of the reasons in an earlier post of mine, so will not do so again to save you all getting bored.

Neither myself nor OH are materialistic. Neither of us see any point in buying new household items unless something gets broken. We love buying furniture from charity shops, secondhand shops, junk shops etc and either stripping them back to their original beauty or painting/distressing them. Neither of us spend much on clothes (most of mine come from charity shops).

We would love to have travelled more - have only been to a few countries in Europe. That is probably my greatest regret but we have never really had that much money.

Also we have had pets all our married lives - cats and dogs so, similar to having children, we cannot just decide to go away on the spur of the moment as we have to make arrangements for them. Also of course pets cost money, as do children, so I guess we would have been better off without them but would rather have our pets than money.

I just don't want the misconception that a lot of couples are too selfish, greedy or whatever to choose to have children. There are lots of reasons

ciderwithrosie_2

Cutecub79 wrote: »

The thought of sitting in Costa coffee with loads of women talking about kids fills me with dread!

It's not compulsary! :rotfl:I guess I was lucky that with the type of work I do, I was able to keep up with it to an extent at home despite having 3 kids under 5 at one point. Enough to keep my brain ticking over and in touch with the working world. It stood me in good stead when I did go back to work. I also had a cleaning job, delivered catalogues and helped out at playgroup and school (special projects, school newspaper club, PTA).

I did used to go to Mums & Toddlers with my friend (who was a childminder but also had 4 of her own) - we used to alternately despair and be amused by the 'anxious mummy', 'competitive mummy' or the 'WAG mummy' types. Believe me, we had, and still do have, a lot more to talk about than just our children!

Cutecub79

VestanPance wrote: »

I must admit in my 20's I had exactly those thoughts. In fact there was a time when I would have been very much in the I never want kids camp. The thought of no travelling and not just being able to do/buy what I want to do seemed like a life of hell.

For me it was some life events that completely changed my opinion on things and what I saw as important in life and what was just filler. I then started to view material things and thing like travelling that I'd always craved and lived for as unimportant. Sure they were nice, but I no longer placed any great importance on them.

This is where I want to be, and I am slowly getting there.

For me the trigger to that was the passing of my parents. Both of whom suffered long illness before passing away. Those events really made me question what really mattered in life.

Your point about your parents passing hits home. Whilst I havent lost anyone close to me, my husbnad lost his father and one of my good friends at work recently lost her husband. Things like this certainly make you see the bigger picture. I think I am too consumed in work and the work hard play hard way of life. I think am at a point where I need/want to take the next step but am absolutly petrified!

VestanPance

Cutecub79 wrote: »

Your point about your parents passing hits home. Whilst I havent lost anyone close to me, my husbnad lost his father and one of my good friends at work recently lost her husband. Things like this certainly make you see the bigger picture. I think I am too consumed in work and the work hard play hard way of life. I think am at a point where I need/want to take the next step but am absolutly petrified!

I think what happened to me will not happen for everyone.

I am childless and I do still enjoy things like travelling, but for me it is now a lesser life than a happy relationship and my own family. At one time the thought of no grand travel plans, or the latest gadget, or going out every weekend for a meal etc would have seemed like the dullest and most pointless life imaginable.

I once looked at kids as a trap, or weight to be carried. I guess I see the joy or pleasure in life's simpler things now. It's hard to put it into words, but it's like I understand what actually makes me happy and content rather than what I thought made me happy and content. For me it did take those events in my life to unfold for me to really figure that out.

I think it's entirely normal to question wanting children and the impact on your life that would involve. In fact I'd say that's a good thing as it at least points out that you are aware that it does involve a huge change in life.

red_devil

it was on the news this morning about how parents cant say no and keep spending money on expensive gifts to keep up with everyone else.

This is one thing that worries me you just have to keep spending money so your child isnt the odd one out?

fawd1

SuzieSue wrote: »

I also love my partner as much, if not more, than you do but I just don't feel the need to create another person.

Well my partner says your partner smells funny. :rotfl:

What a bizarre thing to say, I love my partner more than you do, what are you 12?

At no point have I suggested that if you really loved someone you'd want children them. I simply said I couldn't imagine wanting children with someone you had a bad relationship with, because part of wanting a child is surely about wanting a child WITH your partner.

POPPYOSCAR

fawd1 wrote: »

Well my partner says your partner smells funny. :rotfl:

What a bizarre thing to say, I love my partner more than you do, what are you 12?

At no point have I suggested that if you really loved someone you'd want children them. I simply said I couldn't imagine wanting children with someone you had a bad relationship with, because part of wanting a child is surely about wanting a child WITH your partner.

I quite agree.


There does seem to be a theme running through those posts that people who have children do not somehow have a 'complete' relationship and that if you do not have children you love your partner more.

I find this quite a supercilious attitude.

SuzieSue

fawd1 wrote: »

Well my partner says your partner smells funny. :rotfl:

What a bizarre thing to say, I love my partner more than you do, what are you 12?

At no point have I suggested that if you really loved someone you'd want children them. I simply said I couldn't imagine wanting children with someone you had a bad relationship with, because part of wanting a child is surely about wanting a child WITH your partner.

I didn't say I did, I said, perhaps more - I've no idea how much you love your partner (or even what "love" is - is it friendship or lust or a combination of both?).

You just said that because you loved your partner you wanted children with them and I said that because I love my partner I didn't. What is the problem with that?