To have children or not - how do you decide???

Emma_Eskimo

I'm really glad I read this debate as I've also been wondering whether or not I'll have kids.

One poster said if you have to ask yourself this question then you're obviously not ready for kids, which seems to make sense. But then someone else said if you have to ask yourself this question it means you do have some interest in having kids and you might regret it if you don't have any. Argh!

When I was young I always assumed I'd have a big family - I helped bring up my little brother (born when I was a teenager) and am now an enthusiastic auntie. I love kids, especially under 5's. I'm quite maternal. But I'm not sure I'd be a good mum because I don't think I have the stamina. I get stressed/anxious very easily, have problems sleeping and need a lot of time alone to recharge my batteries. I live far away from my family and my OH's family so that would make things more difficult. Does anyone else feel like this? I don't know whether I'm being weak/lazy or just sensible in not having kids. I see families travelling with young children and it just looks like such hard work.

I thought I could do something like volunteer at a nursery/summer camp or eventually provide respite care for disabled children so that I do get some involvement with kids but keep my sanity as well.

SuzieSue

PoorCharleyBear wrote: »

I find that a very odd thing to say..so basically you think that everyone who decided to have children is not fully happy? We wanted children together. I guess that is what most people want.

No, just the people I know well enough to be sure how happy they are. It's just my opinion and from what I've seen, a lot of people have children because there is something missing from their relationship.

Obviously, I don't have an insight into everyone's relationship in the world, so I am sure there are some couples who are happy together who have children, but I just haven't come accross any.

POPPYOSCAR

SuzieSue wrote: »

No, just the people I know well enough to be sure how happy they are. It's just my opinion and from what I've seen, a lot of people have children because there is something missing from their relationship.

Obviously, I don't have an insight into everyone's relationship in the world, so I am sure there are some couples who are happy together who have children, but I just haven't come accross any.

I think they are in the minority.

There was nothing missing from our relationship when we decided to have children.

We have been together over 25 years and are very much in love.

mrsg26

wanchai wrote: »

Aw! This is quite a typical experience among our friends and

I think that we would still make the effort to have a socal life, albeit less often than at present. OH's mum lives quite close by and is always a willing babysitter for his sister. But travelling - I don't know. I just think that it will never be the same for years, especially with the need to fit in with school holidays etc.

My daughter is 5 now and has been travelling with us since she was 5 months. We've been to Florida, Texas, Australia, France, holland, Italy Spain more times than I can remember and now we are considering Thailand. Children don't stop you travelling. You just have to factor them in to your plans. I loved my holidays before I had my daughter but I love them even more now that she is with us. The things we get to experience as a family whilst we are abroad is incredible and I know my daughter is very fortunate to have been to all these fab places. Don't let travelling with children put you off having kids if that's your only reason.

SuzieSue

ciderwithrosie wrote: »

Why would having a child 'spoil' a relationship? What happens if one of you gets sick and can't devote the same amount of energy and commitment to the other? What if you had to have one of your parents come and live with you as they needed care? Would that spoil what you have together? If the relationship can't stand up to external influences testing it then you haven't got a healthy one at all - it sounds completely suffocating to me.

Both our parents have had to come to live with us when they needed care and it wasn't a problem, it just happened, it wasn't something we planned.

Having a child is a planned decision and we don't see any need for one. The only reason I can see for having children is to have someone to look after me when I am old, but I wouldn't want any child I had to do that anyway as I would want them to have their own life and not have to give up things to look after me.

zzzLazyDaisy

I am going to put the other side of the coin.

My son was unplanned and a surprise. He also has mild learning disabilities and, as he has grown older, more serious mental health problems. Do I love him? Yes. Would I be without him? No. Did I regret the loss of my identity/freedom/ability to make choices as he was growing up? I would be lying if I said I never did. Knowing what I know now, would I repeat the experience - not a chance. I never had any more children through choice and I am loving my childfree years.

One of my best childhood friends and his wife have one child - a much adored daughter. She was planned and they had her despite (or perhaps because) they had hit a really bad patch in their marriage and had got as far as separating but decided to make a go of it. She is seven now, and they are in the process of divorcing.

Another friend and her husband never wanted children. After 14 years marriage, she became pg with their son. Both were ambivalent during the pregnancy, but once he was born she was besotted. He loved the boy but was not prepared to change his lifestyle one jot. They drifted apart with him being a dad in the evenings after work and doing his own thing at weekends. When the boy reached 18, they divorced - an agreement they had come to several years earlier... and within 3 months he had remarried.

What I am saying is, children can be very hard work. If you are both committed to having a child they can be such a source of joy and happiness and fulfillment. If either of you is unsure, or ambivalent, they can also drive you apart.

Just thought I would put the other side to the 'pink fluffy bunny' point of views.

SuzieSue

catkins wrote: »

Anyway after lots of discussion we both decided that we would not have children for a variety of reasons. I was the main wage earner and we would not have afforded for me to give up work. No way would I have wanted to work with young children. Also we both felt and still do that the planet is overpopulated and we did not want to add to that. We also both feel the world is not a very nice place in general and, again, did not want to bring a child(ren) into it. Another big reason was that we both felt we had a really good relationship and didn't want that to change. One of our friend's grandmothers said if we wanted our marriage to stay happy not to have children! We were surprised at the time but over the years have seen so many friends and family separate, get divorced (often more than once) and the majority said problems started when they had a baby. Quite a few said if they had not had children they thought their marriage would have lasted. Of course that may not be the case but it's interesting that they think that.

I can't believe I didn't write that. It is exactly how I feel.

poet123

SuzieSue wrote: »

No, just the people I know well enough to be sure how happy they are. It's just my opinion and from what I've seen, a lot of people have children because there is something missing from their relationship.

Obviously, I don't have an insight into everyone's relationship in the world, so I am sure there are some couples who are happy together who have children, but I just haven't come accross any.

Really? What about your own parents? You genuinely haven't come across any couples who are in a happy family unit? I find that very sad and very surprising.

SuzieSue

poet123 wrote: »

Really? What about your own parents? You genuinely haven't come across any couples who are in a happy family unit? I find that very sad and very surprising.

Yes, my parents weren't happy together and they should never have got married, let alone had children.

I know I am very lucky to be in the relationship I am in and I am very grateful especially after I have seen first hand how unhappy my parents were.

Gloomendoom

We don't have children by choice but I am surprised by some of the reasons given by others for not having children. In particular, "The world is not a very nice place" and "I've never met any happy couples with children."

I suppose it depends on your outlook on life. In my opinion, the world isn't perfect but it could be a whole lot worse. It certainly has been in the past.

As for there being no happy couples with children, that is just plain nonsense!

Our reasons... at 51 I feel that I am too old and my wife, although quite a bit younger, just doesn't have any strong desire to become a mother. We both agree that, if we could turn the clock back 10-15 years, we would very probably have come to a different decision.