To have children or not - how do you decide???

bobble_hat

Hi OP,

Here are my thoughts for what it is worth. No one can prepare you for how you and your life is changed by a child, this is because everyone's experience is so vastly different, and depending on when, how and what type of baby you have so will yours be.

If you decided to have a baby the one certainty is that there are no certainties; will it be healthy, will it be well-behaved, will your hobbies have to stop, will your lifestyle change. These are questions only you will be able to answer once baby has arrived, the swelling has gone down and they start sleeping through the night and your brain can function almost normally again.

For what it's worth, I can't say if I had the chance to go back whether I would do it or not, because the child I have is too valuable to even consider having a different life. I'm always tired, I don't have a lot of patience, it all seems very hard work. But when my daughter puts her arms around my neck and gives me a hug, or says something which makes me cry with laughter, or mumbles in coherencies in her sleep or just smiles at me, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm totally privileged to have this little person in my life.

I'll answer this question again when she turns 13 just to see what the difference is :rotfl:

Whatever decision you make will be right for you and right for now, so don't entertain 'What ifs' once you've decided.

Oh and I had my baby at 37 and all was well :T

FBaby

My situation is a bit different as I do have two children from a previous relationship, but my partner is child free. Soon after we met (and knew we would be together forever ), he asked me if I would want more children and was quite emotional when I said I would love to have more as he had it in his head that having had two who'd reach the age of becoming more independent, I wouldn't want to start again. He was then 41, I was 38, so we started right away, assuming it would take a whilst. To our dismay, I fell pregnant first month and my OH was over the moon. Unfortunately, we miscarried and... 9 months later discovered we were together seriously sub-fertile. Our first response was to go through IVF, but very quickly, I started to feel that my OH was gradually not as excited at the prospect as previously and one day, he admitted to me that he wasn't so sure about becoming a dad any longer, that lately he had felt a lot more tired and was starting to get scared about the impact a child would have on his life (maybe also because he was spending more time with mine and although it was all going very well, he realised what it actually meant). I was quite distraught and he said that he would trust me that he would think it was all worth it in the end, but it started putting doubts in my mind.

It is difficult to know what is the cause and what is the effect, that is, coping with the disappointment month after month of not falling pregnant making me focus on the negatives so that it was easier to accept, or whether being on a mission to fall pregnant made me blind to the reality of having child under our circumstances. In the end, we decided that we would let nature decide and dealt with what it gave us.

I am turning 42 in a few days and had to accept once and for all it wouln't happen. I'm still struggling a bit with that resolution, but my partner is genuinely coping well with it. Whether he has convinced himself of it, or trully believes it, he does believe that a child would have messed his life around too much. Deep inside, when I put the feeling of broodiness aside, I am starting to realise that I am not really prepared to make all the compromises that come with being a mum. I am looking forward to the future of great financial comfort, independence from responsibilities that come with having children, and being able to travel the world as I have always dreamed to do. My biggest fear is falling back to having to watch every penny and not being able to enjoy things I have set aside for years now.

Sometimes, I tell myself that if I never managed to fall pregnant again (which clearly was biological possible since it happened once), it is because nature knows best. All this to say that my partner who is now 45 seems absolutely at ease with his decision not to have a child, and would even dare to say relieved at times...and I am confident that I will be there too in a year's time or so.

Lirin

Hi,

I worried about a host of things beforehand-

Whether I would be good enough as a mum
Whether I could cope
Whether our lifestyle would suffer
Whether our social life would suffer

etc, etc....

Like one other poster, we decided to just forget the contraception and fell pregnant within a week. I do remember slow, growing fear about how I would cope- I don't think I was particularly maternal before. And I'm still not now- I don't really do 'girly' emotions, I'm the practical one in the
We totally lucked out, with a 15-hour sleeper (slept through a fire alarm in the hospital, and with a drill going off within a few feet to mentio occasions.)
Our social life is richer- much richer! I've met so many new friends, including some from on here, and it's opened up totally new avenues. Plus- going outside is a complete experience now, seeing it through my baby's eyes- she's so excited about what I would consider mundane- a truck passing, birds in a tree, shadows on the ground.....
If we want to go out on our own we have a nice support network who are always willing to take our laughing angelic child....

We would consider more- but again as another poster said- what if we got a devil instead? :rotfl:I suppose they'd cancel eachother out (hopefully).

Life is always, always hectic..... but was so completely worth it.

However, that's from the perspective of one with a child. You do need to think whether you would like one or whether you would prefer to remain childfree (which has it's own advantages.....).

However, OP- I can't help the overwhelming impression that you've really answered your own question. If you wanted to stay childless, I imagine this conversation would never have taken place. I do think your question is something different- you're wary of the lifestyle change. And it IS a lifestyle change. Namely, you're a pack mule where you could once have nipped out with only a card.....:D

If you have any questions about children, I'm more than happy to try and answer....


Ahh. I see from Gillyx- who is a brilliant mother from what I've seen that you're in NI. I am more than happy to meet up for a coffee if you like, and I will bring my little one. (You can remain civilised with children!!!). I always like making new friends, and as Gilly said- a little taster of children.....

Missterious

I'm going to give my point from the child's perspective.

I had a wonderful childhood, my parents loved travelling and my childhood memories are full of love, happiness and laughter. We used to go camping so much, days out and trips in our 4x4 to Scotland and once we kipped in the car during a thunderstorm - it was awesome! My mum would rather skip the house work and take us to Weston-super-mare for the day, or slim bridge or anywhere we fancied. We did not have a lot of money growing up but i do not remember ever wanting for anything (not meaning they bought us loads of sutff, they took us out instead of leaving us to watch tv alone)
i'm now 25 and I cannot wait to give my kids the same memories.
I know my parents wouldn't be who they are without me and my brother and we are so incredibly close.
I know this is mega soppy but i've just got engaged and i'm feeling the love!

SuzieSue

I haven't had a chance to read the whole thread, but for me it was an easy decision not to have children because I am so happy with my partner that I don't want anything to spoil it and I don't feel I'm missing anything by not having them. I am 46 now, so am almost too old to have them, but I have felt like that since I met him.

I really don't understand why anyone who is truely happy in a relationship would even think about having children. My close friends who have had children are the ones who weren't totally happy with their partners.

PoorCharleyBear

SuzieSue wrote: »

I really don't understand why anyone who is truely happy in a relationship would even think about having children. My close friends who have had children are the ones who weren't totally happy with their partners.

I find that a very odd thing to say..so basically you think that everyone who decided to have children is not fully happy? We wanted children together. I guess that is what most people want.

BritAbroad

I am child free by choice. There are numerous reasons, from never having had any maternal feelings, to wanting to travel and experience new things. I'm in my 30s and have been with my OH for nearly 20 years. We married fairly young, I'm sure people expected us to have kids fairly quickly, but we chose the opposite and have never regretted it.

Several of my friends have kids, and 2 have openly confessed to me that they wish they hadn't. Both have supportive husbands as well. We are close and I think they felt they could open up to me because they knew I wouldn't judge them. One was desperate to be a mum, thought she was prepared for all the hard work, but found she is just thoroughly bored by the whole thing. She's an intelligent, educated woman, but she can't get a job which will allow her to get childcare. She loves her kids but not all the work they entail and she misses her old life very badly. The children are well brought up but she hates the fact she and her husband have no freedom any more.

The other friend had an accidental pregnancy and she thought long and hard about whether to go ahead. She went back to work after 10 weeks because she couldn't stand being at home any longer. She did reduce her hours and only works 3 days but she freely admits she wants to go back to full time hours if she can find childcare - her child is almost 4 and she's counting the days till he goes to school. She had a lovely lifestyle before, with a beautiful home and exotic holidays, a flashy sports car and a great social life. Now she struggles to keep on top of the housework, which really upsets her, she can't afford the type of holiday she likes, and she had to trade in the sports car for something more practical. She freely admits that her decision to have her son was the worst decision of her life.

ciderwithrosie_2

BritAbroad wrote: »

The other friend had an accidental pregnancy and she thought long and hard about whether to go ahead. She went back to work after 10 weeks because she couldn't stand being at home any longer. She did reduce her hours and only works 3 days but she freely admits she wants to go back to full time hours if she can find childcare - her child is almost 4 and she's counting the days till he goes to school. She had a lovely lifestyle before, with a beautiful home and exotic holidays, a flashy sports car and a great social life. Now she struggles to keep on top of the housework, which really upsets her, she can't afford the type of holiday she likes, and she had to trade in the sports car for something more practical. She freely admits that her decision to have her son was the worst decision of her life.

I find this so sad - the love and rewards a child brings can't be measured against material things given up. Could it be that your friend had/has postnatal depression and it's gone undiagnosed?

marisco_2

You are clearly astute enough to appreciate that starting a family is a huge life changing decision. Leading a spontanious and very social lifestyle would be impacted for a time. Friends of mine made me laugh when they thought that 'baby' would just fit into their way of life and things would continue pretty much the same. Getting out the door to do some shopping is like a military operation when they are very small.

Bare in mind how the financial implications of starting a family may impact on your future plans. Would you be able to afford to get on the property ladder in a few years? Good luck with whatever you decide. I have two children and love them to bits. I think alot of my enjoyment of them though has been down to starting a family when I was emotionally ready and financially secure.

ciderwithrosie_2

SuzieSue wrote: »

I haven't had a chance to read the whole thread, but for me it was an easy decision not to have children because I am so happy with my partner that I don't want anything to spoil it and I don't feel I'm missing anything by not having them. I am 46 now, so am almost too old to have them, but I have felt like that since I met him.

I really don't understand why anyone who is truely happy in a relationship would even think about having children. My close friends who have had children are the ones who weren't totally happy with their partners.

Why would having a child 'spoil' a relationship? What happens if one of you gets sick and can't devote the same amount of energy and commitment to the other? What if you had to have one of your parents come and live with you as they needed care? Would that spoil what you have together? If the relationship can't stand up to external influences testing it then you haven't got a healthy one at all - it sounds completely suffocating to me.