To have children or not - how do you decide???

1886

I'm nearly 34 and my wife is 27, married 18 months. At this moment in time neither of us want children. We've spoken a little bit about it and decided that maybe when my wife is 30+ we'll talk about it again.
I too just feel that all my freedom would be gone instantly and not sure if that's something that I want to ever sacrifice. My brother has an 18 month old daughter, she's lovely but spending time with her makes me see what a handful a child can be.
Right now I know the time is'nt right, my wife loves her job and was promoted only last week. The only thing that slightly concerns me is that I would'nt want to be fifty and regretting not having a child but then again I don't think I should want one only because I might regret it if I don't!

1886

teaandcupcakesplease wrote: »

I was in that dilemma until recently. both 37 good lifestyle etc etc. I totally know what you are going through, I have been with my OH for 14 years and its always been a topic where we said "maybe next year" and plenty time , and i dont mind either way" .

I came to the decision by imagining someone telling me I couldnt have children and taking the "choice" away from me.

we also thought about it and very rarely do you hear people say they regret having children - people are more likely to say they regret NOT having children.

Problem is with health reasons time was running out (early menopause etc) anyway I am now 7 1/2 weeks pregnant, scared stiff but happy that i have made the decision. Its a weight of my mind really. no more do i dont i!! I hope i have explained myself ok and hope that this helps. xx

I do a lot of home delivery and therefore meet alot of people. You would be surprised how many people DO actually say that to me. I'm not sure if they're serious, I don't get involved! Also, there's no point in saying that you regret having children really is there. You can't put it back in

embob74

The thing I found hardest with having children was the realisation that men and women are NOT equal. I know it is greatly dependent upon what type of man you are with but it is still the norm for the woman to give up work and raise a child, and in giving up work they run the risk of giving up their career. Finding a part-time job that isn't menial is quite difficult and so many women work in jobs which are well below their skill level. I had children quite young so it was never a decision I had to make but they can put a strain on a relationship.
Of course there is no way to describe the feeling of love and pride you can feel for your own child and the happiness this brings.
If travel is your only issue then you will probably find it is not that much of a problem. If you breastfeed baby does not need much else and can be very portable. I found it more restricting when the kids started school as you are then on somebody else's timetable.
I don't envy the choice but good luck an much happiness in whatever path you take x

HAMISH_MCTAVISH

If you cant decide whether or not you want to have kids, start off with a houseplant. If you can keep that alive for a year, then buy a goldfish. If that also survives, then move up to a dog. And if after a couple of years it hasn't died and you still enjoy looking after it, then maybe kids are for you.

I never got past the house plant stage....

sweaty_betty

I just want to add, you don't have to love children to have your own. I know that this sounds weird, but it's true. I love my LO to bits and wouldn't have life any other way, but it's him I love not children generally - and kids parties/soft play areas full of children are still my idea of hell!

ciderwithrosie_2

sweaty_betty wrote: »

I just want to add, you don't have to love children to have your own. I know that this sounds weird, but it's true. I love my LO to bits and wouldn't have life any other way, but it's him I love not children generally - and kids parties/soft play areas full of children are still my idea of hell!

This is pretty much how I feel, I'm not over keen on other people's children either, I've helped in playgroup/school and enough school discos/fetes/parties to have concluded this, but I hide it well - babies are alright, I love having a cwtch. With your own, you understand why they do what they do, what they like and don't like etc.

BritAbroad

ciderwithrosie wrote: »

I find this so sad - the love and rewards a child brings can't be measured against material things given up. Could it be that your friend had/has postnatal depression and it's gone undiagnosed?

Nope, she is very clear about that. It's purely that she feels her life was richer and more rewarding (and not just in a material sense) before she had a child. She is a good parent but very definitely wishes she hadn't gone down that road.

Cutecub79

Great thread.

I completely understand where you are coming from.
Im 33 next month, husband 34, we have been together 15 years and married 3 years. I have lost count of the amount of people asking me when we are going to have children.

At the moment, I really like my job, we both have nice cars and we own a lovely house and both earn a good salary, we have a couple of holidays a year. Why would I want to give this all up? Am I selfish, yes, I guess.

For me, I need to get my head around the idea that there is more to life than nice cars and being able to buy what I want when I want. I like the idea of little mini me's running around the place, but hate the idea that it consumes my life. The thought of sitting in Costa coffee with loads of women talking about kids fills me with dread!

Someone aked me if I would regret not having them, I guess I would, but im still scared to take the plunge.

A hard choice to make, you sound like you have a lot to offer a littlun, good luck with whatever you decide.

fawd1

SuzieSue wrote: »

I really don't understand why anyone who is truely happy in a relationship would even think about having children. My close friends who have had children are the ones who weren't totally happy with their partners.

I find that a really odd thing to say. I can't imagine why anyone not truly happy in their relationship would want to have children. For me, I loved my DH so much that I loved the idea of having another person that would have parts of him and parts of me, was the clincher.

VestanPance

Cutecub79 wrote: »

At the moment, I really like my job, we both have nice cars and we own a lovely house and both earn a good salary, we have a couple of holidays a year. Why would I want to give this all up? Am I selfish, yes, I guess.

I must admit in my 20's I had exactly those thoughts. In fact there was a time when I would have been very much in the I never want kids camp. The thought of no travelling and not just being able to do/buy what I want to do seemed like a life of hell.

For me it was some life events that completely changed my opinion on things and what I saw as important in life and what was just filler. I then started to view material things and thing like travelling that I'd always craved and lived for as unimportant. Sure they were nice, but I no longer placed any great importance on them.

For me the trigger to that was the passing of my parents. Both of whom suffered long illness before passing away. Those events really made me question what really mattered in life.