The theory of the second level grandmother

jellyhead

I don't have any daughters .... sob!

jellyhead

I like my MIL and I think she probably spends as much time with my children as my mum does. Mum lives around the corner whereas MIL is an hour's drive away so she has longer visits and we stay over when we go to visit them, but my mum will see them more often on short visits - and we'll trick or treat at my mum's house, etc.

MIL gets the train to see school plays, etc. and sometimes comes on a Saturday if FIL is working. We go for days out with the inlaws and sometimes they visit us on holiday. They took us all abroad with them once.

My mum works full time whereas MIL is retired for health reasons. If she lived closer we'd probably see more of MIL than we would my mum.

I think the difference might be that my husband is still very close to his parents, gran etc. and also because my inlaws never criticise or try to force their opinions on us. They've had 2 children leave home for uni and never move back to their home town, so they see their children as independent adults whose partners are not 'competition'.

3v3

JC9297 wrote: »

It's not just your DIL's kitchen though is it, it's your son's as well.

What's coming across to me in most of the posts is it's down to the mother of the child, most of them don't even mention the father's opinions on the matter. Most of the replies are from women saying I will go to my own mum for advice or whatever.

It seems that it is unequal, i.e. the man's mother needs to have formed a really good relationship with her son's partner well before children come on the scene, whereas the woman's mother (as long as their relationship is good) doesn't have to worry about getting on with the father, she'll automatically be included....

Re: kitchen - actually it is "theirs" and the sooner the parents get over that psychological barrier, the sooner they will feel less like guests. It's not "his", nor "hers" but "theirs"

One thing which is also occurring to me (and you have raised a good point regarding inequality and relationship building) it the relationship often overlooked: that of Grandparents to Grandparents.

When my mother was alive and my first MIL was a part of our lives, my mother made an effort to get a long with my MIL! They were never going to be bossom buddies, nor was that required/expected, but she did make an effort to get along with her because they definately had two things in common before they began: 1) their own child, 2) their shared grandchildren.

Even if the parents relationship should end, it is important to the child/ren to have contact with both sets of Grandparents. Sometimes, it is the older, wiser, less emotionally involved in any breakup that have the experience, and wherewithall to buffer potential parental battles and be a constant with the grandchildren.

When bringing up daughters, it may be wise to instill in them the simple fact: our children are loaned to us; we do not own them!

I remember someone IRL who opened her heart to me about her marriage and how much hatred she held towards her ex. How she wanted to "protect" their son from how awful his father is. I reminded her to take some care in how she describes his father (to him, in front of him or if there is any danger she could be 'overheard' by him) because she is only going to create problems for her son.

The son is 50% her and 50% her husband: if she continually puts down her husband, that boys mind will either consciously, or sub-consciously, be wondering if *he* has inherited those bad qualities If his father is a nasty piece of works who hurts all those around him, the son will soon find out for himself and make up his own mind. But, no "told you so's".

Not only did she embrace that advice for the benefit of her son, but, she also benefitted because she was able to let go of the "bad-mouthing and bitter" cycle she had got herself into. The greatest help came ... from the grandparents Both sets wanted to see their grandson and her being less bitter meant everyone benefitted. Totally admire her (and them) for that! :T

fawd1

I think the theory stands. Assuming everyone has a "normal" relationship. In my case, I am very close to my parents and my in laws. very good relationships all round. They babysit equally etc etc. HOWEVER, as I am the one staying at home and doing the bulk of the childcare, if I have a question, I usually go to my mum. Not because I trust her opinion more, but because it's my mum, whom I logically am closer to than my MIL. Having said that, I certainly discuss things with MIL and try to make her as involved as possible. Like my mum said though, it's different when it's your daughters children, you can interfere more. My mum wouldn't dream of telling my SIL how to do things, even though they're very close. I can't stop the opinions even when I want to!

jellyhead

I am lucky - neither my mother or my MIL give me their opinions unless I ask for them

BugglyB

I have to say as an infertile person some replies on this thread have made me sad, and I daresay it would make some people whose parents are no longer with them sad too. Enjoy your parents, children and grandchildren. Put petty squabbles aside as much as you can. Who cares how many times a week who goes to whose house for tea. Life is too short and love is too precious.

lostinrates

BugglyB wrote: »

I have to say as an infertile person some replies on this thread have made me sad, and I daresay it would make some people whose parents are no longer with them sad too. Enjoy your parents, children and grandchildren. Put petty squabbles aside as much as you can. Who cares how many times a week who goes to whose house for tea. Life is too short and love is too precious.

I am both infertile and have a deceased mil.

I have a 'difficult realtionship' with my mother, but I do love her, a lot. I have a difficult realtionship with my fil, who I respect and love better from a distance for dh's sake .

My husbands brother has just had a baby and I have found something to be grateful for. Every day since the baby has been born my fil has visited. They have been hurricane hit where they are this week, and this man in his seventies, nopt very robust and almost totally blind has WALkED through the city to visit every day. My new sister in law (she's a gf, but I think that counts in sil) must have the patience of a saint, I know I would have wanted time with just dh and the baby, and then maybe my family, my mother, to help me get into routines and remind me of family lullabys and ditties.

Of course I would want my in laws to have a great relationship wi their grandchild as well, and I would strive towards the sort of relationship where I felt happier with them having a baby for holidays etc (not being in the same country) but I have to admit, even knowing the strains my sister had with my mother over children.....it's my mummy I would want to go to first.

zaksmum

Scrapaholic wrote: »

A few posts ago someone said that in their home, the in laws were like guests and didn't make themselves at home . As a mother in law I'd never just go in DIL's kitchen and make tea or whatever . It's her kitchen and would have felt awkward, so we did feel like guests . In DD's home I don't feel this way . It's sometimes hard for us mother in laws and we don't know if we're doing right or wrong ! I do try my best though .

This is very true. I treat my daughter's kitchen like my own, as she does mine, and we're perfectly happy with this.

However my daughter in law's kitchen is a bit out of bounds for me - I only go there if I'm invited to!

Scrapaholic

zaksmum wrote: »

This is very true. I treat my daughter's kitchen like my own, as she does mine, and we're perfectly happy with this.

However my daughter in law's kitchen is a bit out of bounds for me - I only go there if I'm invited to!

Yes, if I'm invited to put kettle on or whatever I'd be more than happy to do it . I know it's also son's kitchen . Really , it's down to the type of relationship with DIL that I had . I was wary of going uninvited into cupboards in case she thought I was being nosey . It was a bit of a strange situation + she could easily take things in the wrong way . She'll be an ex DIL soon .

jetplane

ognum wrote: »

She has developed over a few years a theory about knowing her place as a grandmother, she feels that her sons wives mothers will always have more influence and a deeper relationship with the grandchildren than she is able or allowed to. Wives mothers will always be the first consulted, first asked to baby sit and first to have the children to stay.

I am interested if anyone else feels this, do you have a different relationship with your sons children than you do with your daughters or is it just her?

Do you treat your husband/wife's parents different to your own as far as the grandchildren are concerned?

Is it possible that this is a self fulfilling prophecy where your friend has assumed that she will take a back seat and has therefore unconsciously deferred to the maternal grandparents?

I do think she has a point though, especially where the daughter in law has a good relationship with her own mother.

I would always seek my mothers advice or help before my MIL, I had more to do with her during my pregnancies also. My daughter has just had a son and she felt that her MIL was not really interested during pregnancy, but she is (just not as interested as me ) and I have encouraged her to involve her more, in fact he is sleeping there tomorrow night. But my daughter will always come to me first, its just a mother daughter thing I think.

I do know that both of my parents said that it felt different when my child was born to when my brothers' children were. My father said that he would never escape the emotion he felt that his daughter had given him this grandchild. However with my brothers' children my parents were more involved than the in-laws when it came to babysitting, holidays etc but their mothers always deferred to their own parents for advice, girly days out, coffee and chats.