The theory of the second level grandmother

scottishchick27

My mum and MIL are both local to me but my DD is closer to my mum, I was also closer to my mums mum than I was to my dads mum. My dads mum was closer to her daughters children (she had one daughter and seven sons) so in my experience your friends theory is correct.

Counting_Pennies_2

ognum wrote: »

My friend is the mother of 3 boys, now all married and they have children so she has grandchildren.

She has developed over a few years a theory about knowing her place as a grandmother, she feels that her sons wives mothers will always have more influence and a deeper relationship with the grandchildren than she is able or allowed to. Wives mothers will always be the first consulted, first asked to baby sit and first to have the children to stay.
QUOTE]

I understand why she might feel that way, as a mother and daughter often have a bond, and the daughter is likely to refer to the mother for advice and also trust her mother with her child due to having seen and spent time with her mother knowing how she would deal with situations.

However, this is not always the case. In my case, my mother is very remote, she cannot connect with any of us and she is useless as a grandmother. She visits once every two years, if that, and she cannot relate to me or my children.

Whereas my Mother in Law understands situations much better than me, I refer to her for advice and she is very thoughtful and helpful. She is the one I trust with the children and who they like to spend time with.

In terms of advice to her, I would suggest being available, visiting when welcome and offering her help and advice whenever it is asked for.

Newly_retired

I am much closer to my daughter and her children than to my son and his children. I live approx the same distance from each - approx 2 hr journey, whereas my DIL's parents live 10 mins away from them, so that is part of the reason.
In my case th theory works, but there are reasons.

carolpinkdreamer

The theory works for us too. My MIL was very interested in our children until her daughter had children and then she completely lost interest in our children. She spends all her time, attention and money on her daughter's children but, unfortunately, hardly speaks to ours when we visit her. I always took the children to visit her regularly but now that they are teenagers they choose not to go.

meritaten

carolpinkdreamer wrote: »

The theory works for us too. My MIL was very interested in our children until her daughter had children and then she completely lost interest in our children. She spends all her time, attention and money on her daughter's children but, unfortunately, hardly speaks to ours when we visit her. I always took the children to visit her regularly but now that they are teenagers they choose not to go.

Oh that is so sad! I cannot imagine someone not loving ALL their grandchildren - even those who live far away can be kept in touch with! I may complain that I am too busy to work these days, minding grandkids. But, secretly I love that they all want to come to 'Nans house'!

LondonDiva

After a number of years on this board, MILs have a tough time - they are either too involved and interferring, distant and uninterested or a mixture of all the above.

I do sometimes think that some new parents (female!) tend to look for snubs and often use these to justify limiting access or an excuse not to make an effort.

I would always hope that we would take both families into consideration, but TBH though I know that my mother would get first dibs on occassions or advice as she's my mum and MIL would be the #2 mum. Goodness, I didn't think I'd end my post saying that

Sambucus_Nigra

sassyblue wrote: »

Ognum didn't generalise. Which begs the question do you know what a generalisation is?

Wives mothers will always be the first consulted, first asked to baby sit and first to have the children to stay.

Is a generalisation. HTH.

quinechinoise

ognum wrote: »

Do you treat your husband/wife's parents different to your own as far as the grandchildren are concerned?

True for a given value of true! It's a byproduct of my love for my mom that she sees my kids when I skype her whereas I don't randomly phone up my MIL. My mom has my love and my MIL has my dutiful respect. I already have a mother and I don't want another one. My MIL certainly doesn't treat me like her son! (My mom emails me every day; my MIL emails me every other month, if that. My MIL cooks her son's fav foods when she visits, which I hate; my mom cooks my fav foods when she visits, which my husband hates! And so on.)

I expect the same sort of thing in my future because I have a son and a daughter. I might share my breastfeeding stories with my son - if he's really, really interested - but I don't expect him to put them to practical use! However, I hope all grandparents love their grandchildren equally and I hope that I will do so too. I certainly wouldn't cut contact with my MIL if I got divorced but it would still be out of duty, not affection. I absolutely do not dislike my MIL; we simply have nothing in common and would not be acquaintances if I hadn't started dating her son.

bossymoo

When my little ones first stayed out overnight, it was with MIL and FIL. When they first went on a day trip without me, it was with MIL and FIL. I'd say they have about equal time with my mum and MIL. I was close to my inlaws anyway, but even more so since my dh passed away. They are my family. So in our case, it's equal footing.

onlyroz

My mum certainly feels like a second-rate grandparent to my brother's daughter. But I guess it depends on the family dynamics, geography, health etc.