The theory of the second level grandmother

meritaten

Depends on Family dynamics doesnt it? its sort of a how long is a bit of string question. My DILs seem to ask me first - one because she doesnt have a relationship with her father and stepmother and the other because her mum has lots more grandchildren and is always minding one or more (it hasnt dawned on DIL 2 that its the same for me!).
my DD asks me first because her MIL runs a taxi company and is 'working' 18 hour days.

Jinx

The 'theory' did/does apply in my family. Mainly cos my mum adores my daughter whereas her dads family established in minutes they would not babysit (we had not asked) and their attitude wasnt really one of family bliss...

Scrapaholic

It's a while ago , but my MIL was asked to come over, not to babysit , just to see the children . She said she didn't know the way despite having lived in the area most of her life ! She's never been that bothered but has always been welcome . We've had a lot to do with our son's children and it's lovely . However , if son + partner had a row then we weren't allowed to see the children even though it was nothing to do with us . I do think it depends on circumstances whether grandparents see their son's children .

scottish_lassy

I was a single parent bringing up my daughter and therefore we are very, very close. During pregnancy and just after childbirth, she was able to ask me very personal questions which she would have been far too embarassed to ask her MIL. She also wants to give the impression to her MIL that she is a competent wife and mother who deserves her son! I am also younger and live closer, so am more available.

Having said that, we all appreciate the value of all the grandparents and my daughter and her husband make a special effort to visit the 'other' grandparents and also specifically go and get the grandmother (who doesn't drive) for days out with her grandson. Hopefully, my grandson will get the benefit of all his grandparents for many years - we all fulfill different functions for him - and his parents!!

FattyBettyBoo

My friend's mum asked her recently when she was going to have a child as she was ' desperate to be a grandma'. My friend pointed out that she already was as her brother had a baby girl. the Mum responded that it wasn't the same with a son as if him and the Mother break-up the baby would be taken away.

It could be that she is worried that if the relationship fails, she may losse contact (or have limited contact) with the child ... and so is distancing herself

sassyblue

ognum wrote: »

Well it does seem from some of the replies here that it does apply in some cases so maybe she is right in her family.

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Yeah - in HER family. Not in everyone else's. That's what makes it a bit of an insult to generalise. You do know what a generalisation is don't you?

Ognum didn't generalise. Which begs the question do you know what a generalisation is?

SkintGypsy

My parents in law are extremely close to my children, due in no small part to the massive efforts they make to see the children throughout the year. They visit us, we holiday with them and they/we are always welcome to come and stay over when we/they want. This is despite the 7 hour round trip to visit.

We both work full time, so they do a lot of visiting, but we try to visit a few times a year as they like to have us and show off their grandbabies to friends and neighbours.

In short, she can be as close to them as she wants, as long as the children's mother doesn't prevent the relationship developing.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'd rather eat my own eyeballs with a grapefruit spoon than put a child in the hands of my mother ever again. I may not be able to stand my exMILs (they started it, I just quickly came round to their way of thinking ) - but if I'd had a baby with my current boyfriend, I would not have hesitated to let his mother be fully involved.




OK, I'd have asked her if she could smoke outside whilst babysitting, but other than that, I'd trust the woman with my life and that of my kid.


But then again, she sees the good in me I never knew existed. So maybe I'm biased where she's concerned

Any

It was my parental granny that had us all the time..
And I would much rather my MIL had my children if I had any then my mother
It's about the people and relationship. Some people like babies and are more hands on then others - nothing to do with who gave birth to whom.

oldtractor

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

My friend's mum asked her recently when she was going to have a child as she was ' desperate to be a grandma'. My friend pointed out that she already was as her brother had a baby girl. the Mum responded that it wasn't the same with a son as if him and the Mother break-up the baby would be taken away.

It could be that she is worried that if the relationship fails, she may lose contact (or have limited contact) with the child ... and so is distancing herself

How very sad.
my son and his partner split up. I see my grandson more now than I used to when they were together and he even stays the night with me now sometimes. We have a good loving relationship.
The childs father will have access even if they do split up and so long and he and his mother get along then he will visit her with his child so no need for her to distance herself at all,.