The theory of the second level grandmother

pollypenny

Both sets of grandparents are thousands of miles away from our only grandson. However, DS and DIL know that we would drop everything if needed. I don't think her parents would.

It maybe because they have two other grandchildren - looked after by their grandma most of the time. I think her enthusiasm has worn off.

no-oneknowsme

Just my own personal experience.....

My children are 19 , 16 and 14.

From the day I had my kids my Mum was always the person I asked advice from , she was always the only person I asked to keep my kids for overnight stays and she was the person who looked after my Kids whilst myself and Husband were out at work.

I live very close to my own parents and I always made sure my Parents saw my kids on a daily basis.

I did all of this because my Parents worshipped my Kids and took great delight in spending time with them.

My parents , from the day my kids were born have spoiled my kids rotten and didnt seem capable of going shopping without returning with a load of stuff they knew my kids would love.

My Inlaws on the other hand were never the clucky type around my kids. They live 3 miles away but never really made much of an effort to come to visit them. When my Daughter was in hospital for 2 weeks they visited her just the once. They never picked up the phone to ask how the kids were and on the one occassion I DID ask my MIL to mind our elsest child they told me that they were busy on that day. Needless to say I never asked them again and they have never offered....

FIL visits my SIL and her kids who live just round the corner from us 3-4 times per week and drives past my house to get to hers so calling in for 5 mins to see the kids wouldnt have killed him but he just never called.

SIL's kids get to go to stay in their house most weekends and get taken out on trips to the Zoo etc regularly but my kids were never asked.

I think its a case of my In-laws favouring my SIL's kids over mine but to be honest it never bothered me. My kids adore my parents because they have been so involved in their lives since day one. Maybe things would have been different if I had felt that the In-laws loved/treated my kids in the same way they did SIL's kids. If I had felt they wanted to be involved I would have made sure that they WERE involved by asking them to look after my kids more etc.

OP , what I am trying to say is that I think if you show your DIL that you enjoy being Grandma and WANT to be as involved in their lives as much as possible then your DIL will follow your lead.

Mojisola

no-oneknowsme wrote: »

on the one occassion I DID ask my MIL to mind our elsest child they told me that they were busy on that day. Needless to say I never asked them again and they have never offered....

Gosh! No second chances in your life. Older people do sometimes have commitments that they can't change at the drop of a hat!

no-oneknowsme

Mojisola wrote: »

Gosh! No second chances in your life. Older people do sometimes have commitments that they can't change at the drop of a hat!

Didnt you read the rest of my post?

My Inlaws are not and never have been interested in my kids!


Just to recap:

My Inlaws on the other hand were never the clucky type around my kids. They live
3 miles away but never really made much of an effort to come to visit them. When
my Daughter was in hospital for 2 weeks they visited her just the once. They
never picked up the phone to ask how the kids were and on the one occassion I
DID ask my MIL to mind our elsest child they told me that they were busy on that
day. Needless to say I never asked them again and they have never
offered....

FIL visits my SIL and her kids who live just round the corner
from us 3-4 times per week and drives past my house to get to hers so calling in
for 5 mins to see the kids wouldnt have killed him but he just never
called.

SIL's kids get to go to stay in their house most weekends and get
taken out on trips to the Zoo etc regularly but my kids were never asked.

Would you have run back to them after all of this?

I certainly wouldnt!

For what its worth , the reason my MIL couldnt mind our child on the day I asked her was that she needed to go to tesco for her weekly shopping! Was there something wrong with her bunging my Daughter in the car to go along with her? My DD was almost 3 at the time so it wouldnt have been that much flippin hassle. My own parents wouldnt have thought twice about having to take DD shopping with them , infact most weeks when they went shopping DD went along with them just for the trip out!

You dont know my In-laws so passing judgement is uncalled for.

Just to add...they do have voices so they could have asked to have have DD over to their house to stay/visit any time they pleased but they didnt!

Abbafan1972

pollypenny wrote: »

It maybe because they have two other grandchildren. I think her enthusiasm has worn off.

I could have written this! My kids are my parents 2 and only Grandchildren (I am an only child), therefore they love spending time with them and they go for tea once a week after school etc.

My in-laws have 2 other, slightly older grandchildren, courtesy of my DH's brother (or "The Golden Child" as I like to call him) and I think because we waited a bit longer to have kids, we get penalised for it!

Scrapaholic

A few posts ago someone said that in their home, the in laws were like guests and didn't make themselves at home . As a mother in law I'd never just go in DIL's kitchen and make tea or whatever . It's her kitchen and would have felt awkward, so we did feel like guests . In DD's home I don't feel this way . It's sometimes hard for us mother in laws and we don't know if we're doing right or wrong ! I do try my best though .

notanewuser

I have a daughter who has just turned 2. My parents have her 2 afternoons a week so that I can work, and she has stayed over there a few times.

My in laws live 250 miles away, don't bother to ring, skype or visit us (they have their other grandchildren several days a week. I couldn't leave DD with them for more than 5 minutes because she doesn't really know them (and they certainly don't know her).

LondonDiva

notanewuser wrote: »

My in laws live 250 miles away, don't bother to ring, skype or visit us

When was the last time that you / your OH rang, skyped or visited your inlaws?

notanewuser wrote: »

My in laws live 250 miles away...(they have their other grandchildren several days a week.

I'm going to assume that their other grandchildren live a good deal closer than 250 miles away

notanewuser

LondonDiva wrote: »

When was the last time that you / your OH rang, skyped or visited your inlaws?

I'm going to assume that their other grandchildren live a good deal closer than 250 miles away

We ring once a week (they never manage to even ask how DD is). We always ask if they want to skype during those calls (and the reply is always "not now, later in the week"). We try to visit every 6-8 weeks and stay in a hotel when we do (so we're not any trouble).

My nieces both live 45 minutes from them (in exactly opposite directions).

JC9297

Scrapaholic wrote: »

A few posts ago someone said that in their home, the in laws were like guests and didn't make themselves at home . As a mother in law I'd never just go in DIL's kitchen and make tea or whatever . It's her kitchen and would have felt awkward, so we did feel like guests . In DD's home I don't feel this way . It's sometimes hard for us mother in laws and we don't know if we're doing right or wrong ! I do try my best though .

It's not just your DIL's kitchen though is it, it's your son's as well.

What's coming across to me in most of the posts is it's down to the mother of the child, most of them don't even mention the father's opinions on the matter. Most of the replies are from women saying I will go to my own mum for advice or whatever.

It seems that it is unequal, i.e. the man's mother needs to have formed a really good relationship with her son's partner well before children come on the scene, whereas the woman's mother (as long as their relationship is good) doesn't have to worry about getting on with the father, she'll automatically be included.

I remember having coffee with a group of my son's friends' mums a few years ago and joking about this, we all have two or three boys and not a girl between us. We were joking about not being wanted and HER mum being involved in everything and how we'd all end up sad, lonely old women.