The theory of the second level grandmother

OrkneyStar

This makes me sad. I have a son and I hope if he has kids, him and his partner will know they can ask me to help if they need, and also will want any children to spend time with us too. Distance etc allowing of course. I am close to my mum emotionally though not physically (300 miles away), DH's mum passed away and I try to include DS's grandad in things (he is just up the road) as much as he wants to be.

masonsmum

I would always ask my own mum to babysit and for advice before my mother in law, I do still involve my MIL but she is a very scatty person and worries, a night babysitting the kids would involve a week planning for her and she wouldnt even hold the baby when he was a newborn (and this is her 10th grandchild and she had 4 kids of her own)

She does still watch the kids one day a week and is good with them, I hope when my boys have their own kids I can build a better relationship with Daughters in Law but I struggle to do that with my MIL, so I suppose it just depends on the type of person? xx

dibuzz

My Grandson (son's baby) hasn't arrived yet but I'm aready feeling like the 2nd class Grandma.
Naturally his gf wants to do everything with her mum but I feel very left out and know I won't get to see much of him as they spend a lot of time with her mum and my son's dad but never come here. When I go to see them I feel like I'm in the way.
I can't afford to take them for meals like my ex can and it's not easy to have them round here with 3 other kids and their activities meaning we rarely eat together anyway.
I've aways dreamed of being a Grandma and love kids but really wish it was my daughter not my son.

CH27

I find this so sad.
I've got only got one son & I do hope that one day I won't be sidelined as ''the MIL''

mysk_girl

My MIL has treated me like a daughter since the first time I met her 12 years ago. She is maternal and clucky over babies and lives 15 minutes away. My own mother is a fabulous mum, and I will go to her for for almost anything - except baby advice. She has three children, but is not particularly maternal. Also lives 220 miles away. However she adores my children and has a whale of a time with them when we do meet up. I also have a step mum, who is amazing. I feel truly privileged that my children have so many people around them who love and care for them in so many ways. Yes, MIL, due to geography and being retired, sees them more often, but they have a really good bond with all of their grandparents.

And MIL has often asked if OH and I do divorce, she wants to keep me and the children instead of him! Joking, but I could never cut them out even if OH and I couldn't get on...

Okydoky25

My MIL has my son more. Mainly as she is local my mum isn't and she is more hands on. I do however find it easier telling my own mum how I woud like her to look after him. For example my MIL feeds him crap all day, my mum won't. I've no favoured parent tho I'm happy as long as my Son is.

mrcow

mysk_girl wrote: »

My MIL has treated me like a daughter since the first time I met her 12 years ago.

And there's the answer.

My MIL was manipulative and snide to me in the few years after OH and I got together. Some really awful things have been said over the years, most of which I think she's unawar that I know of.

When I had my children, there was no way that I was suddenly going to expose my children to that.

quinechinoise

CH27 wrote: »

I find this so sad.
I've got only got one son & I do hope that one day I won't be sidelined as ''the MIL''

Don't be sad thinking about future grandchildren. They'll love you as much as their other grandmother, if you both treat them the same way.

It's just that no one can predict the relationship you may have with your son's wife. She won't become your daughter just because she's married to your son. If you do develop a faux mother-daughter relationship or a close friendship then that will be a bonus. It won't affect the relationship between you and your grandchildren. If you maintain a courteous, civil relationship with your DIL then that will be all that's expected of anyone.

Anyway, you have a lovely son already - you don't need a replacement child! If I had a second daughter, she couldn't replace my son.

morg_monster

My MIL also has 3 sons (only) - 2 are married, with one grandchild. MIL and FIL are very involved with them as my SIL's family is all abroad. When we have kids... aw I just know I am going to want my own mum around more than MIL, especially in the early days. I do have a great relationship with the inlaws but my MIL is such a fuss-er and seeing how she is around our niece (her granddaughter) - very worried about every little thing and paranoid - does give me reservations about how i will manage when it's our child being looked after by her. By nature I'm much more laid back and chilled out and I do worry that I am going to have to really try and control my impulses when she's around! eg she still at 10 months sometimes warns us to support our niece's head when holding her - !!!!!!?! she can nearly walk! And BIL and SIL did a bit of baby-led weaning which MIL just could NOT cope with.

My mum is much more of an NCT type mum as I think I will be (although who knows!) so I think it's inevitable that I'll turn to her for more advice and practical help than MIL. Partly because my MIL and FIL do still act like "guests" and need looking after when they stay (though maybe that'll change), whereas mum can just be left to her own devices. However this is probably more of an issue in the early days especially with your firstborn, when you're not quite on top of things and not at your diplomatic, polite best when dealing with people who annoy you! Another issue is that Mum lives 45 mins away, MIL is 3.5 hrs away - so not only the convenience, but the fact that if the inlaws come up, they will expect to stay for a few days, which is a bit of a burden in a small house, whereas my mum and dad can come and go whenever they / I wanted.

Having said all that - reading some of the above posts from mothers of sons whose wives have made them feel left out - it has made me think that when we do have kids I must try my hardest to keep MIL involved. Hopefully I will be able to be nice and tactful if some of her habits start to drive me nuts :-)

Dpmoff

Isnt there a saying a son is a son until he gets a wife
A daughter is a daughter for life.

I would trust my mil more than my mom because of the way she is, my mom is a bit older and doesnt quite have the patience any more, however my mil will say stuff that I tend to not agree with, wheras my mom just lets me get on with it, it must be something to do with the way I was brought up.

My mom is closer to my brothers children then mine, but then he is a massive mummys boy