The theory of the second level grandmother

Gillyx

Erm, tbh out of those 2 options I'd chose neither. I'd probably chose my Fathers partner over my mum and MIL. That is down to quite a few things though and obviously only applicable to my situation.

stiltwalker

So much depends on family circumstances - for instance we see MIL and FIL most weekends and they are very close to our kids however when we need a babysitter for the day, or as last weekend for the first time leave the kids overnight it's my parents we choose - no reflection on whose parents are 'preferred' simply that my parents are 61 and 62 and OH's are 79 and 84 and both our kids have disabilities and require significant lifting etc which OH's parents would not be able to manage. So far DS (17 months) just loves anyone who cuddles him, but DD (3 1/2) seems equally fond of both sets of grandparents even though they have different but equally important roles in their lives.

Sometimes I think that MIL feels a little pushed out as she doesn't always realise how much hard work the kids are and that we are only taking account of her but mostly we rub along ok.

Sid_Wolf

I am very close to my MIL, so Im expecting both her and my mum (who im also very close to) to have an equal role in my childs life

paul2012

I disagree my son has a better relationship with my mum than his mums mum and we never asks her mother to babysit. my son loves my mum and looks up to her but he very rarely sees his mums mum and when he does he doesn't really acknowledge her as his nan. She has never been interested in any of her grandchildren and pays them no attention - saying that she isn't interested in her children either.

duchy

I don't see what a DIL asking a grandmother for advice has to do with the relationship the grandmother has with the children.

That aside you appear to be wondering why if a mother has a good relationship with her own mother why they aren't turning to another women they have known at best a few years rather than their whole lifetime. I do think MILs have to work harder if they want a close relationship with their DIL -although many seem to assume it needs no effort and is something they are entitled to simply because the woman happens to be married to their son. Perhaps your friend needs to work at her relationship with the mother of her grandchilden and stop regarding the other Mum as "The competition".

3v3

When my son's daughter was born, it was around the same time my neighbours daughter had a son. Her response to my happy news was: "yes, but it's not the same as when a daughter gives you a grandchild is it!"

Erm, yes actually!!! (Although it did smack of a saying my own mother had of: "It's a wise man who knows his own father" )

I had a much closer relationship with my original MIL and she played a significant and stablising role in my children's lives.

The complete opposite is true of my current MIL (2nd marriage). She is our boys *only* grandmother; but, aside from meeting her a handful of times, she may as well be a checkout monitor in a large supermarket because they would never recognise her if they passed in the street. Her loss; sadly.

mrcow

ognum wrote: »

Well it does seem from some of the replies here that it does apply in some cases so maybe she is right in her family.

Or possibly there could be reasons to do with her personally as to why none of her daughters-in-law trust her as much as perhaps they could?

She may have given them cause to distance themselves over the time they knew her before they had children. Causes that you perhaps as an outside friend are unaware of.

zaksmum

I have a son and a daughter. I'm much more involved in decisions with my daughter's child than with my son's, but then again, more often asked to babysit my son's children.

Gorgeestwo

carolpinkdreamer wrote: »

The theory works for us too. My MIL was very interested in our children until her daughter had children and then she completely lost interest in our children. She spends all her time, attention and money on her daughter's children but, unfortunately, hardly speaks to ours when we visit her. I always took the children to visit her regularly but now that they are teenagers they choose not to go.

This is the same for us too unfortunately, my MIL made a particularly hurtful comment when SIL was pregnant about it being extra special because it's her daughter having a child (and she didn't just mean the pregnancy bit) SIL's baby isn't even a yr old yet and she has visited her more than she ever visited our two.

My parents do live closer and so yes on that basis, they do get to see them more and are there if we need any practical help, but having said that they both work, MIL doesn't.

snozberry

As a grand daughter I was always closer to my mums mum than my dads mum. This is only because she was utterly fabulous in every single way. Whenever my sister and I visited, she went into baking mode. She would take us out to places, read stories to us, she didn't care if we got dirty when playing outside - she was ace and it took a while to come to terms with her death.

My dads mum is the opposite and believes that children should be seen and not heard. She has no idea what it means to be a gran and this was evident when my mum passed away earlier in the year.

Now, if my mum was alive, I would turn to my mum for parenting advice purely because she is my mum but when it comes to being a gran and taking my child out to places or babysitting then I'd choose both equally but only because they're both be good at being a gran like my gran was to me.