The theory of the second level grandmother

ognum

My friend is the mother of 3 boys, now all married and they have children so she has grandchildren.

She has developed over a few years a theory about knowing her place as a grandmother, she feels that her sons wives mothers will always have more influence and a deeper relationship with the grandchildren than she is able or allowed to. Wives mothers will always be the first consulted, first asked to baby sit and first to have the children to stay.

I am interested if anyone else feels this, do you have a different relationship with your sons children than you do with your daughters or is it just her?

Do you treat your husband/wife's parents different to your own as far as the grandchildren are concerned?

pyjamadays

I would also ask my mum to babysit first, in fact if never ask the fathers mother...I'd ask him to but only if my mother couldn't..so I guess the theory is correct.

silvercar

I think it depends on the people. My mother-in-law is more hand on than my mother, so I would ask her first.

I'm female BTW.

becca0417

Yes. We don't have children yet but I know for a fact I would ask my parents first and my mum especially will be a lot more involved than DHs family. Not necessarily through choice, it's the way it is with everything.

I know my mum also feels like this about my brothers gf, although they also don't have children yet. It's a very different relationship with your DIL than SIL, she finds.

pollypenny

My MIL was not at all interested in her son - didn't even tell the rest of the family when he was in hospital with shadow on lung being investigated.

So, no! I did not ask her to do anything with the kids.

DS and lovely DIL live in the USA - her mum stayed for a month to look after baby when she returned to work we stayed for two months.

Sambucus_Nigra

You are joking! The one time my SIL's mother babysat ended in tears, my mother is at my brother's several times a week babysitting.

You can't generalise like that and to be honest, it's a bit of an insult to do so. Perhaps she just needs to engage more with her grandchildren?

POPPYOSCAR

ognum wrote: »

My friend is the mother of 3 boys, now all married and they have children so she has grandchildren.

She has developed over a few years a theory about knowing her place as a grandmother, she feels that her sons wives mothers will always have more influence and a deeper relationship with the grandchildren than she is able or allowed to. Wives mothers will always be the first consulted, first asked to baby sit and first to have the children to stay.

I am interested if anyone else feels this, do you have a different relationship with your sons children than you do with your daughters or is it just her?

Do you treat your husband/wife's parents different to your own as far as the grandchildren are concerned?

Yes I think it is true.

Perhaps because if nothing else the mother is closer to her own mother and father and as she is usually the one arranging most things, especially if she is a stay at home mum, they would be the first she would turn to.

fluffnutter

I think it depends on the family. The relationship between grandparents and grandchildren necessarily grows from the relationship that exists with the parent, i.e. the generation in the middle. If this is sound, then that parent will surely want to involve his parents in his or her children's lives, regardless of whether he/she's a son or daughter.

I was equally close to both sets of grandparents as a child, and my parents are equally loving and involved with my brother's kids as they are my own (I'm female).

I think a lot depends on geography too - it's sometimes difficult to develop a relationship with grandparents overseas, for example, regardless of whether they're the mother's parents or the father's.

I also think it's a bit pointless saying 'my family's like *this*, therefore the theory's correct/incorrect'. One swallow does not a summer make.

turtlemoose

Another one here happy for my mother to have DS, but not OH's mother.

It's an attitude thing for me though - my mum will tell me "in my days we did xyz" but if i say "well thanks for the advice, but I prefer to do abc" then i know she will respect my parenting choices and do abc with my boy, even if she thinks xyz is better.

Whereas OH's mum made it clear she will do whatever she sees fit. She once refused to use a steriliser, as she never used any with hers and they are fine. I said no sterilising, no baby - simple as that. I'm fine for her to give me the benefit of her experience, but she has no respect for the fact that it's MY choice if i act on her words or make a different choice. I have no confidence that she will follow my wishes, so I would rather use a childminder than MIL (and have done in the past).

browneyedbazzi

I think it must depend on all the people involved and their relationships...I don't have kids yet, but when I do I will be more than happy for my partner's mum to be involved and help out etc and I'd feel quite comfortable asking her for advice.

My own mother I'd keep at as much of a distance as I possibly could and although I'm sure she'll try to get her two pence in on everything and anything I can't imagine actually asking for her advice or following any that she offered. Thankfully my mom lives thousands of miles away so there won't be issues with her wanting to babysit!

Spendless

Depends on circs. Both my parents and my husbands parents live in the same village as us, but My parents still work and my sister had twins born a year after my son. With 2 babies at once and granparents on my bils side not involved for personal reasons, I always asked my in-laws to help me, as they were retired and the grandchild from hubby's sister was 9 when my eldest was born.