Massive Argument!

Shelldean

silvercar wrote: »

I find this so sad. Sad that financially things are so tight that you need to charge her and sad that you think it a privilege for her to come home. I am delighted when mine come home and the pleasure I get from having my offspring back in the nest is something I would pay twice over for.

I said if she chooses to sit up to stupid o'clock using elec & heating and snacking on food she pays for that priviledge not for the priviledge of coming home. I am fortunate I see my DD once a week every wk.

Shepherd1 wrote: »

You said it wasn't about the amount of money, and now you are saying it is

Yes correct I did, as I do feel she learnt something from it. But I also omitted my finanical hardship as it is just that MY finanical hardship. Apologies.



My last post on this as I really dont want to go in the whys and wherefores of my situation. I only originally posted to the OP.
Yes my way of doing things are different but again I state I have NO choice.
And by debating MY way of doing things and surviving is detracting from OP's problem.

Dasa

Dasa wrote: »

I could have written this post. We laid down an ultimatum to our son and the upshot was he moved in with his girlfriend. He has a life of luxury, she runs around after him and so does her mum. He is more than happy there. So just make sure that you will be happy if does decide to move in with her. A year on he is still there.

Just to add it's his birthday today and guess who he has gone out with celebrating?

3v3

Dasa wrote: »

Just to add it's his birthday today and guess who he has gone out with celebrating?

That hurts.

But, he's been there a year, so, no casual fling then? Perhaps it is time you began relationship building with her and her family?

Hopefully, in a year's time, instead of waiting to be included, you could organise the birthday celebration yourself ... even if it needs to include her and her family (if he won't celebrate without them; and why should he?). Yes, you could argue perhaps they should have included *you*? But, be bigger than that

If you don't begin now, you are setting yourself up for more hurts in the future: Christmas', birthday's Mother's Day (will they spend that with her mother, or you? Or, hold a joint celebration where you are both spoiled?); when babies come along, Christenings, birthdays etc etc etc.

So what if she and her mother spoil him; you won't, you are sticking to your guns on that. But, the way it is happening at the moment, it is hurting you. Still stick to your guns but have a gentle chuckle to yourself about how silly it is that they feel he needs everything doing for him Remember the saying: making a rod for their own back? They are!

Try to view the longer term and begin building relationships with him, her, her family - the alternative is, you will be finding many occasions feeling hurt and, dare I say it, alone, if nothing changes.

anxious_mum

Ok, a heads up....My lovely DS stopped his standing order.....I was a b it adrift....he came home and told me he was going to be staying at his gf's as and when he could, but could i provide lunch, washing, showers, bed etc when he wasn't staying there.

We decided on twenty quid a week. BUT, I don't want this thread to be about money, really. I think it started that way, I was a bit put out that he stopped paying it without telling me. Looking back on what people have said, some want to go the whole hog to look after their young, some throw them to the wolves. I hope I'm a bit in the middle.

newcook

I would say for £20 he is welcome to stay as and when but he needs to provide his own lunch/food and do his own washing!

if things are going good for him and his gf then one day they will move in together - take it from someone with the 'been there done that' t-shirt that the gf will not appreciate an un-house-trained bf!!

if you dont want him home 6 months after they have got a place together, teach him how to use the washing machine and vaccuum (doesn’t sound like much but any boy who can use these are keepers!)!!

cornbuddy

My son has just started an apprenticeship and will be earning £95 per week. In my mind it helps him to be responsible if he does have to pay keep as he is now 18 and expects to be treated as an adult. We have agreed on £50 per month. However his dad feels I am wrong in expecting him to pay anything, but then he is not the one who does the washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning etc, etc!! This is more about responsibility than anything else.

Mojisola

cornbuddy wrote: »

My son has just started an apprenticeship and will be earning £95 per week. In my mind it helps him to be responsible if he does have to pay keep as he is now 18 and expects to be treated as an adult. We have agreed on £50 per month.

However his dad feels I am wrong in expecting him to pay anything, but then he is not the one who does the washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning etc, etc!! This is more about responsibility than anything else.

Money for keep and sharing the household chores are two different things. If your son is going to hand over £50 a month and not take on his share of the jobs that keep the house running smoothly, he won't be learning much about responsibility.

Lunar_Eclipse

splishsplash wrote: »

Talk to him and show him what he did wrong, teach him how harshly the world would react to his immature handling of the situation, but don't act like the rest of the world would act - you're his parent. Why would you cut off your nose to spite your face just to be right? Life is too short.

Splashsplash, I couldn't agree with you more. The phrase 'two wrongs don't make a right' springs to mind.

I understand the OP feeling angry and disappointed, but reacting to that in a state of anger could have unexpected and unwanted longer term consequences. I would try to think about what I wanted to achieve by my actions, once I'd calmed down. It sounds like the primary message is you're furious with him and want to hurt and punish him for his behaviour.

Hand on heart, I don't think I would have looked back if my parents (or anyone else ever) had packed my bags and thrown me out. I would have felt utterly rejected and unwanted, a feeling which would apply to me at any age.

Lunar_Eclipse

anxious_mum wrote: »

But! He has done wrong! He needs to know!

So tell him. Listen to his version and jointly decide on the way forward.

ETA: OP, I see you have. Brilliant!

Bella73

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Splashsplash, I couldn't agree with you more. The phrase 'two wrongs don't make a right' springs to mind.

I understand the OP feeling angry and disappointed, but reacting to that in a state of anger could have unexpected and unwanted longer term consequences. I would try to think about what I wanted to achieve by my actions, once I'd calmed down. It sounds like the primary message is you're furious with him and want to hurt and punish him for his behaviour.

Hand on heart, I don't think I would have looked back if my parents (or anyone else ever) had packed my bags and thrown me out. I would have felt utterly rejected and unwanted, a feeling which would apply to me at any age.

This but stood out to me, not lived with my parents for years but in 2008 was told by Mother that I was not welcome at their house....I've not been back and doubt I ever will. It was the last straw of many issues but parents you need to realise that some words can never be taken back and unsaid.