Massive Argument!

elantan

We had issues with our son at 16, he moved out soon after, when he came back home for some stability at 18 we charged him £160 a month for his digs £100( for his digs and £60 for gas, electricity and council tax) with the understanding that he was to use the time back with us to sort himself out save up and move out... At the age of 20 he managed to have saved £20k deposit for a house which he bought

Yes it was hard with him moving out at 16 but it is ultimately something that for our family made it stronger and better, our son has owned his own home for over a year, he works hard, studies hard ( is at uni still) has a car and a gf he has turned into a wonderful adult, for us it worked, our son had to learn his behaviour was unacceptable and wouldn't be tolerated, so we put our foot down and for us it worked


Good luck op

lika_86

Why not let him come home but only switch the water on at the stopcock when you need to use it ie. no showers for him (board pays for water), turn off the heating and keep a fan heater for the rooms you're in (board pays for heating), unplug the modem when you aren't using it and hide the cables (board pays for internet access), don't allow him access to things like washing powder etc (board pays for daily essentials) and don't provide a packed lunch (he's too old for this unless paying a decent not minimal rent anyway). £50 a week is a steal.

elantan

I wouldn't recommend that it's too much hassle for you and you would get fed up if it all

globetraveller

Lika
I would hate to cross you:rotfl:

lika_86

globetraveller wrote: »

Lika
I would hate to cross you:rotfl:

Damn right and I'm sure my OH feels the same (kidding, I'm not really a dragon, as long as people don't make me mad, they wouldn't like me when I'm mad).

Shelldean

I always wonder if I'm too harsh with my lot.
But after reading this am hoping I never have to go through this with mine.

But my DD who is at Uni but comes home for 1/2 terms and holidays is surviving on a grant and a loan etc, but even she is aware that her time at hom comes at a price. She stays will rellies during term time, but is home this wk. One of the first things she said was I'll transfer the money on Thurs as that when I pay at rellies. She's paying me the same as she does there. I was soft during the hols as she really was skint, but she was still told NO free ride. She paid £10 which didn't cover her useage but helped.

One of my twins 17 has a pt job at Mcs, whilst at 6 th form.
On hearing his Dad has been made redundant he asked how much we wanted for his 'keep' I could've cried. But he was told while we got CB for him then he was our responsiblilty. We chose to have four kids we'll find the way to pay for them somehow. However once Child benefit stops, then they need to put into the pot.


I really do wish the OP well in this situation, but I do think the worst part is the deception in not telling his mum he was stopping. At 19 he's an adult and as an adult he should be mature enough to sit and discuss the finance situation, maybe asking for a reduction?

splishsplash

anxious_mum wrote: »

thanks...i'm really struggling to know how to help him right now.....I know he has done wrong, but I do still want a relationship with him, of course i do...he is only 19!

But! He has done wrong! He needs to know!

He did indeed do wrong - he cancelled the standing order to you four weeks ago without telling you, which was out of order. Then he refused to back down and admit he was wrong when you confronted him, not only that, he called it pathetic that you expected board for all that you do for him, in addition to which he got arsey on the phone.

In short, he behaved like a child, and a spoilt one at that. After investing years into trying to produce a responsible, mature adult, it's enough to make you want to pull your hair out and screech like a virago.

Instead, why not call him up when you've calmed down, open the lines of communication again and invite him round for lunch/coffee/dinner/whatever so you can have a chat. I would tell him that he was always welcome in the family home, but that if he wanted to live there, he must now accept that there will be board due while he's earning, and the rate agreed must be paid unless renegotiated. I would also clarify what board included/excluded and stick to that. Like others have said, I wouldn't think a packed lunch and doing his laundry is particularly helping him at this stage of his life.

I would also have to thrash out the whole business about not telling you he had cancelled the payments to you. It's a concern that he thought he was in any way right to do this, and not feel he had to let you know what he was planning. He needs to learn that this is a big problem. His attitude during your phone conversation is another problem - no matter how young or old he is, he doesn't get to talk to his mother disrespectfully (well, he wouldn't in this house anyway). A sincere apology and attitude readjustment would be called for immediately.

silvercar

DS2 is at uni and has reading week this week. He tells me that out of 20 students on his floor in hall, 18 are going home for the week. The 2 that are staying are not going home because their families would expect them to contribute to the family budget even though they have had to pay for Halls over this week.

3v3

splishsplash wrote: »

... In short, he behaved like a child, and a spoilt one at that...

To be fair, he's behaving like that because that is how he is being treated: like a spoilt child.

My children have all been (progressively) taught how to wash/iron, hoover, polish, cook and keep a toilet clean since they were young. I'm their mother and that is my job: to teach them the skills they need to live independent of me.

My youngest two sons are (hopefully) off to University next Autumn and I have no concerns that they will be able to survive quite nicely without me playing maid to them.

OP, good luck with whatever course of action you decide upon - at the very least you should have a calm and adult conversation with him about his behaviour and his responsibilities (aka "real life reality check!): e.g. if you go on holiday for a month or two, not only do you have to pay for holiday accomodation, but you still have to pay your rent/mortgage You should also point out what the word "domiciled" means; he can stay as many nights as he likes at his g/f's home, but, he is domiciled at yours.

I'd also recommend that you withdraw maid service - it is not in your best interests and most definately not in his!

itsmethatswho

You can still have a relationship with him without being under the same roof. Sometimes a little disrance helps us to appreciate loved ones more. Plus if hes on his own two feet it teaches him the value of money and sets the standards for your younger son. The important thing is that you are there for him if things go wrong, as we all learn by our mistakes. Jusy because your his mum it doesnt mean you should be a push over. Having said that, only you will know your tolerance levels, and whether you want him living with you or not. Every parent and child relationship is different.