Finding That Special Person

VestanPance

Chalk me up as another who doesn't believe in fate. There is no predetermined aspects to life. Some things may come down to chance/ luck, but they all reflect on someone's actions not fate.

System

After i split with my ex i did 8 months of the "normal" approach to finding someone, putting myself out there in the real world, going to new places, meeting new people etc etc and nothing happened. So resorted as a last chance to internet dating. Met my fair share of erm..strange people but that's not much different to meeting people in clubs etc, plus with internet dating i had the added advantage of being sober. Met my now bf on one of those sites and have been together nearly 7 months.

I don't really think of it as being fate (i mean, either of us could have met soomeone else), just being in the right place at the right time. I also think it helps not to have a "this person MUST be the one cos time is running out approach". Just take each day as it come and enjoy it, that way if it doesn't work out, you're not too hung up on having lost more than what you thought you had (plus it tends to scare them off a bit less )

former_student

VestanPance wrote: »

Interesting, but it must be a classic reason why some remain single. Guys that are too shy to ask women out and women who like a single guy not asking them out.

To the bloke that said he waits to be asked out by women, very very dangerous game to play. Many women still like the traditional be approached by the man way of things and will never ask a guy out. Time to be more confident and take a risk of asking someone out if you are serious about meeting someone.

It's difficult most girls seem to be involved with someone else and I wouldn't really know how to approach a girl on a night out.

miss_independent

*max* wrote: »

Why don't YOU ask him out then?

It's a difficult one...in the cultural background that I come from its seen as very shameful for a female to approach a man...I don't see it as "shameful", I don't think it's particularly ladylike lol but I don't see it as bad...it's just so "not me".

The guy...we always meet at family things so even if I was to ask him out, it would be a bit awkward with his mum stood there but still, overall, he isn't a shy guy. He is generally very confident, easy going, brilliant sense of humour etc. Not to mention handsome, sporty, a complete gentleman and extremely kind. SO. I feel if he really was interested in me (and he throws off all the vibes/ tells others that he does) he would ask me but he hasn't so "he's really not that into me". I read that book/watched the film and the gist was if he says he likes you/wants to marry you and he hasn't asked you then.......he really isn't that into you, so after three weeks of waiting by the phone and him not calling, I decided that despite everything deep down inside he musn't be interested in me. :undecided

*max*

I don't believe in fate either. When I said it's down to luck, I meant as in chance, a random combination of events that leads to something happening instead of something not happening, and over which you have no control. Sometimes a good thing will happen, like meeting someone you have a connection with.

Being proactive simply increases the odds slightly.

former_student

miss_independent wrote: »

It's a difficult one...in the cultural background that I come from its seen as very shameful for a female to approach a man...I don't see it as "shameful", I don't think it's particularly ladylike lol but I don't see it as bad...it's just so "not me".

The guy...we always meet at family things so even if I was to ask him out, it would be a bit awkward with his mum stood there but still, overall, he isn't a shy guy. He is generally very confident, easy going, brilliant sense of humour etc. Not to mention handsome, sporty, a complete gentleman and extremely kind. SO. I feel if he really was interested in me (and he throws off all the vibes/ tells others that he does) he would ask me but he hasn't so "he's really not that into me". I read that book/watched the film and the gist was if he says he likes you/wants to marry you and he hasn't asked you then.......he really isn't that into you, so after three weeks of waiting by the phone and him not calling, I decided that despite everything deep down inside he musn't be interested in me. :undecided

Pretend there is a movie at the cinema that you really want to see but your friends cannot attend and you would appreciate the company.

miss_independent

VestanPance wrote: »

Interesting, but it must be a classic reason why some remain single. Guys that are too shy to ask women out and women who like a single guy not asking them out.

To the bloke that said he waits to be asked out by women, very very dangerous game to play. Many women still like the traditional be approached by the man way of things and will never ask a guy out. Time to be more confident and take a risk of asking someone out if you are serious about meeting someone.

^^^^^^^^^ THIS

Other girls I know don't have to ask men out and I'm traditional so I don't really want to (I'm not ruling it out:cool:). I think there would always be the feeling "he didn't really want me. He was a man and I was a woman basically offering myself on a plate in his eyes. Few men would say no to that."

A lot of men I know seem to have just decided not to ask women out, thinking they won't say yes anyway. It creates a vicious circle; decent men who don't have the guts to ask women out and decent but traditional women who get the feeling no one wants them.

Former_Student.......bars etc aren't the best place to meet women really if you are looking for a relationship. Sure lots of people meet that way but shy guys tend to fare less well approaching a random girl. Sometimes they can come off a bit creepy/desperate and there can be the whole feeling of people not behaving as themselves but putting on an act (i.e drunken behaviour, bravado, fake eyelashes/hair/tan) and actually some women just want a girly night out. Approaching a group of tipsy women is intimidating for anyone let alone a shy guy and if you can do that you aren't as shy as you think. If I were you I'd try getting to know women at work/hobbies etc - get to know the real them and let them see the real you. I'm not saying you can't pick up women in bars...I'm just saying it might be easier to start off in a more everyday setting until you build up your confidence.

VestanPance

former_student wrote: »

It's difficult most girls seem to be involved with someone else and I wouldn't really know how to approach a girl on a night out.

Approaching someone from cold is more difficult if you are reserved or quiet in nature. It's easier if it's someone you met out within a group of friends. All I'd say is don't try corny chat up lines etc. Just introduce yourself and try and spark up some sort of conversation. Keep it light and funny if you can.

Sometimes the lady won't be interested, sometimes she will. If you never ask you never find out. Let's face it if you are sober and can string together more than "alright luv" you're probably doing better than 50% of the idiots out there.

miss_independent

former_student wrote: »

Pretend there is a movie at the cinema that you really want to see but your friends cannot attend and you would appreciate the company.

Thanks, I would but... we've known each other for 20 years, granted we only see each other every few years but there is only so many times you can make puppy dog eyes at each other whilst everyone exclaims "oh you two would make such a gorgeous couple" and "do I hear wedding bells" before you eventually think, "what's the point? He's never asking me out.." and by continuing to flirt with me/act like he is genuinely interested in me without doing anything about it, he is actually just messing with me and I'm sick of it, because I genuinely have feelings for him and probably always will. So yeah...I've just given up on him.


ETA: Sorry OP......not wanting to hijack/derail your thread with tales of my miserable love life!

VestanPance

miss_independent wrote: »

^^^^^^^^^ THIS

Other girls I know don't have to ask men out and I'm traditional so I don't really want to (I'm not ruling it out:cool:). I think there would always be the feeling "he didn't really want me. He was a man and I was a woman basically offering myself on a plate in his eyes. Few men would say no to that."

A lot of men I know seem to have just decided not to ask women out, thinking they won't say yes anyway. It creates a vicious circle; decent men who don't have the guts to ask women out and decent but traditional women who get the feeling no one wants them.

I think if anything it's classic why folk have trouble meeting others they could be compatible with behaviour.

Shy guys, and while I get labelled the tall quiet type nobody has ever described me as shy, don't ask folk out for a fear of failure or embarrassment. Often the fact their interaction with women at a romantic level has been limited means they build up some sort of mental block that you need some sort of technique or special power to successfully ask a girl out.

Although I must admit I did chuckle when I was reading your list of activities as while reading I was thinking there ain't going to be many single straight guys at that. Mind you the things those guys will do probably have even fewer single straight females about. I do think in general though guys do tend to be less social in terms of going groups or clubs in the hope of meeting someone. In my experience most guys have hobbies that tend to be just for them, or if they join a club it's often for competition/sporting orientated.

It's no wonder both sides wonder where all the good singles of the other sex are!