Finding That Special Person

Jinx

miss_independent wrote: »

Genuinely not picking on anyone, just curious what do people mean when they say "It'll happen when you least expect it?", I don't quite understand?

I'm 28 and have been single for years after deciding at 22 and a half to stop fawning after bad boys and work on myself a bit. I KNOW I don't come across as desperate, I'm very feminine but not tarty, I never get drunk, I can have fun but I'm quite a polite, reserved person. I've been living my life, working on my career, hobbies etc, achieved quite alot of good things and whilst I'm independent and fine on my own, I still have a longing to share my life with someone and one of my greatest desires is to become a mother. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, why hasn't it happened yet? I'm always the single friend and I never get approached by men, yet people act surprised when they find out I'm single. I'm beginning to think there is something wrong with me and I'm some sort of man repellant.

For years I thought, "It'll happen, he'll show up." but I'm starting to feel like an old maid. With all due respect, I don't know if distracting myself from the fact that I want to be with someone is going to help. I don't want to get to late thirties early forties, having missed my chance at motherhood and wish I had been a bit more proactive in my younger days. Obviously it's not just about having children, I do want a companion, someone to grow old with, romance etc (I could go on forever). Not hijacking the thread, just feel I am in the same boat as the OP and want to be a bit more proactive....

I agree with the sentiments here. About 10 years ago I felt the same, had been divorced once, had a child and although I can be bubbly etc I am not the loudest person in the world. I felt I had to be proactive and actually make the effort to find someone long term and right for me.

My answer was age 30 to find a dating site which had a chatroom and did nights out. I had the best time dating for nearly 2 years, met some lovely guys. I actually made it a mission of sorts and told everyone I deserved my hubby as I'd put in the work to get him!! In a way I did, lots of time online chatting, emailing etc and a lot of time and money dating, weekends away etc. Now been together over 7 years and celebrate our 3rd anniversary in a few weeks.

miss_independent

OP, out of interest what do you do to socialise/meet people? Do you meet lots of people and it's still just not happening or is your problem that you aren't getting to meet as many people as you'd like?

For me, I mix through church, drama and music groups, charity/volunteer work, friends of friends etc...

In terms of men, I've found ... Church (no young men, or any young men married at very young age/not interested in relationships), Drama/Music (lack of young straight men, men my age taken/ not mutually interested), charity/volunteer work (mostly women, young married men), friends of friends (all coupled up...). Seems like everyone met at uni and stayed together then settled down. There was one man on my course and he was gay. My uni was very poor on the social side of things, no clubs societies etc. I work for myself so no chance of meeting anyone at work right now.

former_student

miss_independent wrote: »

OP, out of interest what do you do to socialise/meet people? Do you meet lots of people and it's still just not happening or is your problem that you aren't getting to meet as many people as you'd like?

For me, I mix through church, drama and music groups, charity/volunteer work, friends of friends etc...

In terms of men, I've found ... Church (no young men, or any young men married at very young age/not interested in relationships), Drama/Music (lack of young straight men, men my age taken/ not mutually interested), charity/volunteer work (mostly women, young married men), friends of friends (all coupled up...). Seems like everyone met at uni and stayed together then settled down. There was one man on my course and he was gay. My uni was very poor on the social side of things, no clubs societies etc. I work for myself so no chance of meeting anyone at work right now.

You're almost like a female version of me, I'd love to meet you, shame we live too far apart.

miss_independent

former_student wrote: »

You're almost like a female version of me, I'd love to meet you, shame we live too far apart.

Aww thanks......story of my life though; too far apart, wrong time, "if only I wasn't married/engaged to your best friend/gay/a woman/ 76 years old/ 10 years old/ a blood relative " etc etc.

I've been proposed to twice. By a cousin and a nine year old and both were serious .

Let's hope that it's third time lucky!

former_student

miss_independent wrote: »

Aww thanks......story of my life though; too far apart, wrong time, "if only I wasn't married/engaged to your best friend/gay/a woman/ 76 years old/ 10 years old/ a blood relative " etc etc.

I've been proposed to twice. By a cousin and a nine year old and both were serious .

Let's hope that it's third time lucky!

I don't really have enough confidence to approach girls, I usually let them do it but when they do they are usually quite surprised that I', single; I know I need to be more proactive but that's easier said than done.

Believe me if you're as good as you say you are you will need to lead the way as many men will feel intimidated.

miss_independent

former_student wrote: »

I don't really have enough confidence to approach girls, I usually let them do it but when they do they are usually quite surprised that I', single; I know I need to be more proactive but that's easier said than done.

Believe me if you're as good as you say you are you will need to lead the way as many men will feel intimidated.

Lol...did I say I was good? What a big head !

Seriously though, please try and get the confidence...the worst we can say is no and often that's more to do with the girl than you yourself. If you get chatting with someone and seem to mutually get along well there is no harm in asking them if they want to meet up for a coffee. From a female point of view, coffee is an easy one to get out of if it's not going too well compared to having to sit through dinner or a film or something lengthy and on the other hand, if it IS going well then you might both be sat there hours later having a great conversation. And even if it doesn't turn out to be anything romantic, you are getting to know women better and she might become a friend who can introduce you to her lovely single best friend who is perfect for you.

I man I know, I've had a crush on him since I was a little girl (there is a four year age gap) and Everyone knows we like each other but for whatever reason he won't ask me out... its a shame because I would love to go out with him but he seems to think I'd say no. He is an amazing person and I don't know why he is single (he doesn't want to be) all I can think is that he doesn't have the guts to ask girls out... So don't be like him. Just try. We don't bite. Some girls are a little up themselves and may look on you like a piece of dirt but, as gorgeous as they might look, the drama of being with them would make your life a misery so if they say no they weren't worth your time anyway. But there are loads of nice girls who will take you at face value. You don't have to be a stud and come out with loads of innuendo, just be polite, friendly and down to earth...that's often all it takes.

Pep talk over .

bluenoseam

*max* wrote: »

I also think the "it'll happen when you stop looking" line is nonsense and quite patronising actually. What about those people for whom it doesn't happen? Because they do exist! I think finding someone special is a combination of effort and quite frankly, sheer luck. The two aren't necessarily in equal parts either. For some it's mostly down to luck (the majority of people, I'd say), for others it's mostly down to being proactive. You can look or not look all you want, if you never cross paths with someone "eligible" (for want of a better word), it's not going to happen.

Well, either that, or most people just settle for someone that'll do.

Ultimately a lot of it is fate, in that case it wasn't right for you, fate can be bad as well as being good and sometimes that's the way life goes. Might just be because I don't believe in "luck" though!

*max*

miss_independent wrote: »

I man I know, I've had a crush on him since I was a little girl (there is a four year age gap) and Everyone knows we like each other but for whatever reason he won't ask me out... its a shame because I would love to go out with him but he seems to think I'd say no. He is an amazing person and I don't know why he is single (he doesn't want to be) all I can think is that he doesn't have the guts to ask girls out...

Why don't YOU ask him out then?

Bluegreen143

miss_independent wrote: »

Lol...did I say I was good? What a big head !

Seriously though, please try and get the confidence...the worst we can say is no and often that's more to do with the girl than you yourself. If you get chatting with someone and seem to mutually get along well there is no harm in asking them if they want to meet up for a coffee. From a female point of view, coffee is an easy one to get out of if it's not going too well compared to having to sit through dinner or a film or something lengthy and on the other hand, if it IS going well then you might both be sat there hours later having a great conversation. And even if it doesn't turn out to be anything romantic, you are getting to know women better and she might become a friend who can introduce you to her lovely single best friend who is perfect for you.

I man I know, I've had a crush on him since I was a little girl (there is a four year age gap) and Everyone knows we like each other but for whatever reason he won't ask me out... its a shame because I would love to go out with him but he seems to think I'd say no. He is an amazing person and I don't know why he is single (he doesn't want to be) all I can think is that he doesn't have the guts to ask girls out... So don't be like him. Just try. We don't bite. Some girls are a little up themselves and may look on you like a piece of dirt but, as gorgeous as they might look, the drama of being with them would make your life a misery so if they say no they weren't worth your time anyway. But there are loads of nice girls who will take you at face value. You don't have to be a stud and come out with loads of innuendo, just be polite, friendly and down to earth...that's often all it takes.

Pep talk over .

Why don't you ask him out? I don't mean that to sound in any way cheeky btw - just curious

I met my OH when I was 18 and a student (he wasn't), woke up the next morning in his bed and couldn't remember his name !* Saw each other very casually for 6 months, split up for five, then met again on a random night out at the same place we originally met and everything was different between us. Been together nearly 5 years now and lived together for three and a half. I reckon it was fate as we had no friends in common, he wasn't on FB or anything, I'd changed my number and he was 5 years older and didn't hang out in the same places as me. It was the only 2 times he'd been to that club so what are the chances we'd meet?

*Ps I do not recommend this approach for obvious reasons.

VestanPance

Interesting, but it must be a classic reason why some remain single. Guys that are too shy to ask women out and women who like a single guy not asking them out.

To the bloke that said he waits to be asked out by women, very very dangerous game to play. Many women still like the traditional be approached by the man way of things and will never ask a guy out. Time to be more confident and take a risk of asking someone out if you are serious about meeting someone.