13 yr old daughter dating a 17yr old

littlerat

I've not read the whole thread, but am giving my views anyway.

There's 2 potential situations here.

Either he's doing this to a lot of girls, abusing his position etc which yes, does mean it's a very bad thing, definitely needs something doing. Or, as is more likely, he's a normal 17 year old and he and your daughter hit it off - in which case, well he stopped when your daughter told him to and probably isn't thinking about consequences bigger than the cadets.

Either way I think yes it needed reporting. If he's denied it at cadets and the people above are doing nothing, can you have a word with him alone? I don't mean go crazy - just he does need to realise that what he's doing is inappropriate. I very much doubt he's purposefully abusing his power - the media sensationalises such things but most 17 year olds are not dangerous predators, in fact it's actually a fairly rare thing.

Secondly, if your daughter told him to stop after it happened once, she was capable of doing so beforehand - so I doubt she was entirely innocent in it.


I would advise (as somebody who is only 20 and so remembers being at school age well!) to not punish too harshly for it - I think it's better you try and open lines of communication. Teenagers have been doing things they shouldn't for a long time (my great grandmother was born in WW1 and it happened at the same ages then - people just remember the good old days and largely forget that teenagers were still horny things) - it's best to at least know she can be open with you, so you can keep her safe.

andygb

Bubby wrote: »

What a mild mannered mother the op is, I in that situation would not react so calmly;)

It is disgusting that a 17 year would do anything with a 13 year old knowing her age. In the eyes of the law she is a minor and he is not so regardless of whether we think it is right or wrong the law states that it is wrong legally.

When I was a 13/14 year old, there were about a dozen girls in my class (about two dozen in my year), and looking back, five of them were in relationships with older boys of 16/17, and one with a 21 year old guy. The parents knew, the teachers knew, and the rest of us, the guys - we were pretty jealous.
Anyone who thinks that people suddenly start having relationships at the age of 16 has led a very sheltered life.

luxor4t

Changed my mind - a sexual relationship in not compulsory, even today, but it seems assumed here in some posts.

Lotus-eater

andygb wrote: »

When I was a 13/14 year old, there were about a dozen girls in my class (about two dozen in my year), and looking back, five of them were in relationships with older boys of 16/17, and one with a 21 year old guy. The parents knew, the teachers knew, and the rest of us, the guys - we were pretty jealous.
Anyone who thinks that people suddenly start having relationships at the age of 16 has led a very sheltered life.

Ahh, common sense.............. that won't get you far with the "hang him he's a cold blooded predator" brigade :rotfl:

fedupnow

I had older boyfriends when I was 13/14. My first boyfriend had a capri and picked me up from school. So cool.
I told my friends what we got up to and had they threatened to tell my mum I would lie. No doubt. If I had to admit to anything I would say, 'But it only happened the once, I didn't like it, I won't do it again, please don't get him into trouble.'

And if my mother insisted on embarrassing me I doubt I'd forget it. And, if things got really bad and the police asked me, I'd lie and tell them it never happened.

And I'd be much, MUCH more sneaky next time. Because there are always going to be lots of boys around, the next one might not be a cadet and therefore off my parent's radar.

Not saying this is what happened here, But that's what I would have done.

EDIT: I also used to exaggerate stuff to my friends too (some might call it lying) If step-sis had done the boob ... hell I'd done the **** (my asterisks) I cannot imagine the humiliation of mother making a fuss, boy denying it and oh deary me.

Again, not saying that's what happened here - but the boy might be telling the truth - or it might have only been a kiss ... maybe he said no. It does happen.

Oh and just to add, I never felt abused or wronged. Didn't then and I don't now. My daughters were told they had responsibility for their own bodies, boys would always try. It's what they do.

Faith177

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Ahh, common sense.............. that won't get you far with the "hang him he's a cold blooded predator" brigade :rotfl:

I know what you mean lol

If everyone took that attitude when an older teenager is attracted to a younger one at least 6 of my good friends who are now married with kids of their own and are all leading good lives would have had their futures ruined because they dated me.

If the girl is willing which she was. He stopped when she asked him I cannot see how you can class him as a predator??

THEMONEYSPIDER_2

There are some strange people about thats for sure and some seem to frequant these forums it seems....

No matter what circumstance, decade or past history, its NOT right that a 17 year old is messing with a 13 year old :eek:

Even if they are both consenting, its not to be encouraged and easily accepted.

I think the OP has done the right thing in believing her daughter, and talking the higher rank officer at the cadets.

peachyprice

There were a couple of rough girls who hang out with older boys when we were at school, they didn't have a very good reputation, with anyone, but the vast majority went out with boys in the same year or the year above max. That was the norm, there certainly weren't 13yo's with 17yo's.

I guess it depends on where/how you were brought up. We still live in the same area, my children go to the same school, and the same values seem to apply.

Mojisola

andygb wrote: »

When I was a 13/14 year old, there were about a dozen girls in my class (about two dozen in my year), and looking back, five of them were in relationships with older boys of 16/17, and one with a 21 year old guy. The parents knew, the teachers knew, and the rest of us, the guys - we were pretty jealous.

Anyone who thinks that people suddenly start having relationships at the age of 16 has led a very sheltered life.

I haven't led a sheltered life but I do know that times have changed and that things that were accepted aren't any longer.

Look at the problems this 16 year old lad had - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2441285

The Dutch have a more rational approach to young people and sex - consensual sex between adolescents of a similar age are not prosecuted.

Faith177

Mojisola wrote: »

I haven't led a sheltered life but I do know that times have changed and that things that were accepted aren't any longer.

Look at the problems this 16 year old lad had - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2441285

The Dutch have a more rational approach to young people and sex - consensual sex between adolescents of a similar age are not prosecuted.

At least the CPS used some common sense in that case poor boy.


I know it's against the law but to be honest so many teenagers ignore this law day in day out it's pretty useless as a deterant.