relationship going wrong :(

mrcow

themull1 wrote: »

I'll start a relationship with whoever i like thanks. just because i go out with someone, doesn't mean i have to accept the rest of the family with open arms!

Actually yes it does if they are that person's children and they are going to spend time with you as part of a family unit.

If you can't learn to love and care for them, you should walk away and find someone more appropriate.

themull1

mrcow wrote: »

Actually yes it does if they are that person's children and they are going to spend time with you as part of a family unit.

If you can't learn to love and care for them, you should walk away and find someone more appropriate.

Me and my oh live together in my house, he knows that if he ever wants to move somewhere on his own to have his son more overnight he can, he chooses not to. I see the son occasionally, and it works well for us, my oh knows i will never go on holiday with his son, and i made that clear from the start. I would never love someone elses child, i can't beleive that im the only person who doesn't like other peoples kids, and i'm not going to force myself to love them.

VestanPance

themull1 wrote: »

I'll start a relationship with whoever i like thanks. just because i go out with someone, doesn't mean i have to accept the rest of the family with open arms!

I'd argue otherwise.

If you start a relationship with some who has children then you have to accept you are starting relationship with a family, not just that person. Resentment towards the children in any form is highly likely to cause conflict, as for the majority of parents their children will always be the highest priority in their lives. A your kids and I want nothing to do with them attitude is already creating a barrier.

I know one lad that refuses to date women who already have children, as he doesn't want to deal with another guys kids or the lifestyle that means you need to work around another persons childcare. Some would probably have a go at him, but I'd say at least he's being honest with himself. The older you get though it does severely limit your options.

jen007

themull1 wrote: »

I'll start a relationship with whoever i like thanks. just because i go out with someone, doesn't mean i have to accept the rest of the family with open arms!

Of course not, but at least blooming try with their child. You don't have to be a doting/evil step mum, at least friends. I'm sure your partner and his child would appreciate that.

Fire_Fox

themull1 wrote: »

Me and my oh live together in my house, he knows that if he ever wants to move somewhere on his own to have his son more overnight he can, he chooses not to. I see the son occasionally, and it works well for us, my oh knows i will never go on holiday with his son, and i made that clear from the start. I would never love someone elses child, i can't beleive that im the only person who doesn't like other peoples kids, and i'm not going to force myself to love them.

I dislike most children, don't have nor want any, and have no issue with being described as selfish. But it doesn't mean I inflict my negativity on children, I avoid them where it is reasonable to do so and fake it for their sakes the rest of the time such as at my best friend's wedding. Your partner's adult relatives are old enough to understand if you want to avoid them, whereas children can grow up damaged from not having a good and regular relationship with the absent father or step monster. Gobsmacked your partner is putting you before their child TBH.

FBaby

I don't see any issues with a partner not wanting to bond with their partner's child....as long as they accept that that child have as much or really even more place in their partner's live then they do. As long as themull is happy with her partner spending quality time with her partner even if at her detriment, then I think it is actually a very wise move.

I have heard so many tales of partners who play the perfect step-parent to woe their partner in believing that they can form the perfect family, to then start making demands and having tantrums because of the time, money, effort spent on the child rather than the partner. I was one of these children whose step-mother considered me in the way, would have loved it if I hadn't existed, but at the same time didn't want my dad to devote any of his time and money to me. I would have loved a step-mum like themull!!! And who knows, maybe with no pressure on either side, a relationship could very much form very gradually.

themull1

FBaby wrote: »

I don't see any issues with a partner not wanting to bond with their partner's child....as long as they accept that that child have as much or really even more place in their partner's live then they do. As long as themull is happy with her partner spending quality time with her partner even if at her detriment, then I think it is actually a very wise move.

I have heard so many tales of partners who play the perfect step-parent to woe their partner in believing that they can form the perfect family, to then start making demands and having tantrums because of the time, money, effort spent on the child rather than the partner. I was one of these children whose step-mother considered me in the way, would have loved it if I hadn't existed, but at the same time didn't want my dad to devote any of his time and money to me. I would have loved a step-mum like themull!!! And who knows, maybe with no pressure on either side, a relationship could very much form very gradually.

Thanks for understanding, i'm NEVER negative if he comes to visit, which he can at any time, we get on well, i just wouldnt want him living with us or to go on holiday with him. maybe its because i'm used to girls, and he literally never shuts up!!! even my oh is knackered after being out for the day with him.

daska

themull1 wrote: »

I'll start a relationship with whoever i like thanks. just because i go out with someone, doesn't mean i have to accept the rest of the family with open arms!

I would suggest you show them your comments on this thread, they may feel otherwise, if they don't then fine, if they do then you're both riding for a fall.

Fire_Fox

FBaby wrote: »

I don't see any issues with a partner not wanting to bond with their partner's child....as long as they accept that that child have as much or really even more place in their partner's live then they do. As long as themull is happy with her partner spending quality time with her partner even if at her detriment, then I think it is actually a very wise move.

If the partner/ father and 'step mother' live together and the child is not permitted to visit very often, the child clearly doesn't have as much or more of a place IMO. TBH tho that is down to the partner/ father.

Acc72

pyjamadays wrote: »

it's true she moved in with her dad and technically gave up her room, but she's still my daughter and i want her to feel there is a place for her in my house.

I agree, however don't you think that your partner feels the same about his son ?

Do you view the family home as your house (i.e. for you and your children) and less-so for your partner and his son ?

How will the new child fit into this ?