relationship going wrong :(

FBaby

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

If you are a recent single mum, with a dodgy realtionship with your teenage daughter (see other threads), have a BF with a young son who has 'issues' and are not living with your BF.... is this really the time to get pregnant? NO... so, don't get pregnant.

Oh, I hear everyone reply, what about 'accidents'... well, if (for example) you absolutely don't want your trousers to fall down, and it would be a life long disaster if they did fall down, then you would probably wear a belt and braces to make sure that they stayed up... as it would be near impossible for both to fail at the same time; so your trousers are likely to stay up... see where I'm going with this?

People need to take more responsibility for their own lives, rather than others making excuses for those poor choices after they screw up.

I totally agree with this post. I too am tired of reading about all these 'accidents' when 'accidents' have no reasons to happen. It's amazing the number of people in unsettled relationship falling pregnant on the pill compared to those in settled relationships.

This relationship seems to be seriously lacking in communication. It appears that the move was done with very little preparation. No clear agreement on who would sleep where, who would look after whom, and little getting to know each other first and now resentment has taken over from everyone's perspective.

It's hard enough to make a relationship work moving from being distant to being living together, let alone when there are children involved on one side, let alone children on the other side too, let alone when there are already issues with such children.

I assume in this case the job came as a last minute and that it was a case of having to take it because there is a need for him to contribute to the household, so the OP's partner was stuck between two walls. OP probably hoped that the boy wouldn't come at all, but that wouldn't have been fair on him, his dad or his mum who might have planned something during that time or needed the break. You just can't make such relationship work without compromise and it would seem that OP is not prepared to make enough to give the relationship a chance.

mrcow

Saturnalia wrote: »

I think we should hold fire on criticising OP for getting pregnant, we don't know if they planned to or not. Given the circumstances of the relationship and family living arrangements, I'd suspect they didn't.

Well if you're not using contraception, then it's reasonably likely that you're going to get yourself pregnant. PCOS or not.

I don't call that an accident.

This whole thread is about taking care of your responsibilities. Unfortunately, far too many of us embrace the throwaway society that we live in so fully that it affects everything in our lives, including relationships. As soon as it starts getting hard work, we walk away. The problem is that, as always, it's the kids who had no part in the decision making process that suffer. And other people that end up having to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong.

FBaby

mrcow wrote: »

Well if you're not using contraception, then it's reasonably likely that you're going to get yourself pregnant. PCOS or not.

I don't call that an accident.

Again, I totally agree. A clinician would never say that a woman suffering from pco have no chance of falling pregnant without fertility treatment. They might say it might be harder, they might say that might want to consider fertility treatment but not 'you have no chance so don't bother to use protection, you definitely don't need it, even if you are not ready to have a child'

Either OP diagnosis was a previous one and things could have changed since, OR she clearly went and had tests done to come to that conclusion, which you wouldn't bother to do if you didn't intend on falling pregnant... the fact she was excited the second she got saw the two lines on the test makes me seriously doubt it is was true accident (ie, I really didn't want to fall pregnant because it wasn't the right time so I will do what I need to avoid it, but if it did happen, I would be quite distressed to start with even if I come around the idea once the shock is over).

pinkladyof66

our son who is now 4 has development delay and was grossly neglected as a child by his birth mother - he has only just come out of nappies. We have managed to potty train him in 6 weeks so I think that you should be able to potty train this little boy very quick. And tbh he needs to be done quick. With regards to having a bottle our son still has milk before his bed from a beaker but not eating solid foods at this age rings warning bells. He needs to be seen by professionals pdq in my opinion.

VfM4meplse

Lots of posts have been harsh on the OP rather than being helpful...can we bear in mind that she's in her third trimester and posted because she wanted help?

pyjamadays

haven't had a chance to read everything but skimmed some. Firstly, the pregnancy was not planned as due to a medical condition I was told I was infertile so it was a shock!

during the time he has been here I have tried talking to bf about it but got the impression he didn't see it as a big problem and found it easier to keep things they way the were, however I have bought a potty and during the time I've had him I've been giving him less pur!ed food and more mashed.

it's been a parenting fault on both sides but mainly the mother as she is quite lazy and also has another child that 1 & 1/2.

As someone implied, I don't have an issue with learning difficulties as might job is supporting adults with them.

the health visitor has picked up on it and has given the mother advice.

they live 300 miles away and need a plane/ferry to get there.

he's in nappies day and night and already been turned away from a nursery, but is meant to be starting another after the holidays.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

He really thinks he is going to take the little boy away from his mother, when he can't even look after his own child without dumping him on the new girlfriend potentially at the cost of her own job?


It's unlikely, to say the least.

OP, is there a possibility that he could be planning to have both his children on his own?



In any case, I would be returning him to his mum sharpish. It's where he belongs, not with the Dad's girlfriend who has been forced to abandon her plans and exclude her own child to provide an unpaid nanny service.

And changing the locks.

kj*daisy

I gather he's moved a long way to be with you, and given up more regular contact with his son. What are the planned contact arrangements for the future? I think you'll have to find a way to make having his son with you work better, as you have been flung in the deep end a bit with this visit. when he's settled in the job then your OH should take leave when his son is staying with you as I think it's only fair that he looks after him, after all it's not you that the lad has come to be with, it's his dad.

If your DD is living with her dad now why can't she sleep in with your son when she visits? Move your boy into the big bedroom and your DD into the little room, and use the little bedroom for children who are visiting and then put bunk beds in your sons room so his sister can sleep in there when the younger boy is staying as well.

Best of luck making it all work.

Valli

pyjamadays wrote: »

during the time he has been here I have tried talking to bf about it but got the impression he didn't see it as a big problem and found it easier to keep things they way the were, however I have bought a potty and during the time I've had him I've been giving him less pur!ed food and more mashed.

:T

well done you!

How it can be 'easier' to keep a child in nappies for YEARS is beyond me. I would have taken him to buy some 'big boy' pants, too (though I didn't suggest that to you as you are pregnant atm).

Not sure I would want to be with a bloke who wants to have full custody of his child but doesn't put him first.

FunWithFlags

I kind of see this from a different point of view. Could it be possible that the impending birth of his next child has made him realise the not so good parenting his son gets from his mother etc and as a result he has tried to whisk him away from the mum to try and give him a better life? Yes it's bad timing with the job and asking stepmum to step in for three weeks and to take time off is cheeky but to send him back to possible neglect for the sake of stepmum not feeling like a nanny is cruel. Some of the responses on here are nuts.

OP I think you are doing great sorting the child's problems out even though your OH struggles to see why nappies at that age are a problem (maybe he doesn't know much about young children despite having them?) and even though it's not good timing, I would continue doing what you're doing and time could sort everything else out. You could reorganise bedrooms temporarily and in the future maybe the opportunity to move into a bigger house will come up and things will be more comfortable again. I wouldn't throw away a relationship with the father of your baby for the sake of a hurdle which is big but can be overcome. Plus, this may be a great opportunity for that little boy to avoid a pretty rubbish life.