relationship going wrong :(

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

FunWithFlags wrote: »

I kind of see this from a different point of view. Could it be possible that the impending birth of his next child has made him realise the not so good parenting his son gets from his mother etc and as a result he has tried to whisk him away from the mum to try and give him a better life? Yes it's bad timing with the job and asking stepmum to step in for three weeks and to take time off is cheeky but to send him back to possible neglect for the sake of stepmum not feeling like a nanny is cruel. Some of the responses on here are nuts.

There are courts and proper legal procedures to decide where a child is better off. And it is generally where the people there want them - and the OP, quite frankly, doesn't. Which is not her fault - I wouldn't appreciate being landed with somebody else's child without notice and expected to look after them at the expense of my job, health and older child. Whoever fathered it.

I don't suppose the child likes being separated from mum and younger sibling to be with someone who has been forced to look after him either.


She's not being cruel if she refuses to look after the child anymore. It's his father's responsibility to sort this out - not her.

balletshoes

if the little boy would be better cared for by his Dad, his Dad wants to do it and wants to go through the courts for custody, wants to get a place for the 2 of them in your home town for a while OP, to be honest I think thats the best solution at the moment. It doesn't need to be the end of your relationship, but realistically it seems you are both having problems adjusting to living together as a blended family. Thats no surprise considering the circumstances, and I don't think theres any need to push it until one of you cracks and calls it all off. You and this man will be in each other's lives for the next 20 years, whatever happens.

FunWithFlags

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

There are courts and proper legal procedures to decide where a child is better off. And it is generally where the people there want them - and the OP, quite frankly, doesn't. Which is not her fault - I wouldn't appreciate being landed with somebody else's child without notice and expected to look after them at the expense of my job, health and older child. Whoever fathered it.

I don't suppose the child likes being separated from mum and younger sibling to be with someone who has been forced to look after him either.


She's not being cruel if she refuses to look after the child anymore. It's his father's responsibility to sort this out - not her.

I guess I kind of see it like this is her partner and while it might not be her responsibility to sort this out, she might want to support him rather than just change the locks like you originally suggested. This isn't just "somebody else's child", like a random stranger or something, it's her child's half sibling and her partner's son so IMO a family member.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

FunWithFlags wrote: »

I guess I kind of see it like this is her partner and while it might not be her responsibility to sort this out, she might want to support him rather than just change the locks like you originally suggested. This isn't just "somebody else's child", like a random stranger or something, it's her child's half sibling and her partner's son so IMO a family member.

True, but she's not able to have her daughter stay because of this, and he's already deciding to move out, apparently, so that makes it sound like he's just there for the free childcare at the expense of her own child. That isn't exactly supporting her with her own children.

FunWithFlags

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

True, but she's not able to have her daughter stay because of this, and he's already deciding to move out, apparently, so that makes it sound like he's just there for the free childcare at the expense of her own child. That isn't exactly supporting her with her own children.

Ah, that is a good point, I don't think I considered that part properly. That's definitely not fair of him to expect this care to happen at the expense of her own children. It's a much more difficult situation that I first thought when I first posted. It might be the case that your change the locks advice was more accurate than I first thought!

FBaby

The whole thing has clearly not be thought through and this is why it is all going wrong. If the child resides 300 miles away and the father moved, so that most likely he is the one having to due to travelling, then it was expected that at 3 yo, he would only come from longer period. Once the child is at school, this won't be possible any longer, so the child and father will lose out on their contact. That's already a BIG compromise on their part (chosen for the adult, not for the child).

I interpreted from the posts that the trip had been planned, but OP's partner then started a job. We don't know how long it had been since not seeing his son, or how long he has been without a job. If he hasn't see his boy since say the summer, and he has decided to take on that job to provide to his new family financially, is it such a sacrifice to agree to look after the child during that time?

If my partner had moved so far away for me and my family, leaving a 3 year old behind, I know that I would do anything to help encourage that relationship. Yet, OP seems to resent him badly for it. Maybe that's why he is reacting the way he is, feeling that he has made all the sacrifices so they could be together, but OP is not doing her share. His boy clearly means a lot to him and it must have been a very hard decision to move with her and her family so far away.

Fire_Fox

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

True, but she's not able to have her daughter stay because of this, and he's already deciding to move out, apparently, so that makes it sound like he's just there for the free childcare at the expense of her own child. That isn't exactly supporting her with her own children.

The couple live together so it should be equally their home, each have one non resident child. In terms of bedrooms I don't see why one is more important than the other, both need the opportunity to spend time with their parent, arguably the little boy more so because he lives further away. According to previous threads the daughter chose to live with her father and is now expecting to have her own room whenever she deigns to return, not even the smallest bedroom which would leave the middle sized bedroom free for the two boys to share.

The OP having to take responsibility thing is most unfortunate but a somewhat separate issue, I have sympathy for the partner simply because I assume he took this new job in order to be able to support his children. If he just hadn't bothered to organise time off or was out with his mates that would be a whole other ball game. I very much hope and expect the partner is taking full responsibility for his child in the evenings and getting plenty of quality time in.

pyjamadays

i spoke to bf and said things weren't right between us as i was frustrated at how he seemed unwilling to see the problems with his son. He has agreed to try get him off bottles and encourage him to feed himself, even if it is still baby food. potty training will come later. at first he said he didn't see it as a problem until i said that he'd already been refused at a nursery and the new one he's due to start after the holidays might not accept him in nappies or bottles of milk either, plus it's not long until school. He's also agreed to keep him under control better instead of letting him run wild shouting,hitting people, screaming, chasing the cat trying to pull it's fur out. it seems to be working so far (the behaviour bit), he said he didn't realise how he was and was used to switching off/ignoring it.

his son is very happy here and never asks for his mum, she has a 1 &1/2 year old so is maybe struggling, but the way he is is due to both the parents. ive taken him to places and done things with him he's never done before. (pool &library ect)
i feel better now because i didn't want to make these changes without him agreeing to it, and now seems to be commited to helping his son, which he didn't seem to be before.

he has threatened his ex with social services before and prob will again.

now that my bf is comitted to sorting it, his son being here full time isn't such a problem apart from the rooms /house size. the rooms are setup the best they can be for now. My daughter stayed last night, she had the option of sharing with her brother on a blow up bed on the floor, or share with bf son in her bed (there are 2 in there) but she chose the blow up bed downstairs. it's true she moved in with her dad and technically gave up her room, but she's still my daughter and i want her to feel there is a place for her in my house.

bf hasn't seen his son in 7 weeks and has been unemployed for the duration as he just moved here, he had been applying for jobs and got this one a week before his son came up, it was no ones fault, i just wasn't expecting the behavioural things and how much time he would take up, and no matter what people say i do feel like my children are missing out on my time a bit as my son mainly was getting annoyed with the screaming and being hit with things all the time, i was stopping this happening but as he'd been allowed to get away with it it was all the time. but as i said it's all a bit better now.

FBaby

Pyjamas, I thought I'd remember your previous thread so did go back and look and it was the one I remembered. 9 months ago, you were saying that you were planning to move where your partner lives, but were stuck because your daughter didn't want to go. You added that your partner couldn't move with you because he had joint custody of his son. Considering your daughter did make the decision to live with her dad anyway, why didn't you move afterall and your partner is the one who changed his entire life.

I really don't want to be unkind, but surely you must understand what it must be like for your partner to have moved from having joint custody of his son to only seeing him occasionally. He must be missing him dearly. Yet despite finally being able to spend time with him, he does the responsible thing and takes the job...and yet here you are complaining about having to look after him during this time??

I don't doubt that it must be hard, but surely you appreciate what your partner has given up for you and three weeks of looking after his son is not much compared to it? I'm sorry but I can understand how resentful your partner must feel.

balletshoes

its been less than 24 hours - you've hopefully all had a better day today . I hope it continues, I really do. Actions speak louder than words though, your OH needs to step up and take charge as far as his son is concerned.