relationship going wrong :(

pyjamadays

I'm 29 weeks pregnant :-), I already have 2 children from a previous marriage age 15 & 11. I have a 3 bed house, my son (11) who lives with me most of the time has the smallest room & my daughter has the other room although she's only out 1 or twice a fortnight as she lives with her dad, but I do see her regularly.

my boyfriend who was long distance relationship for 2 yrs has moved in with us 7 weeks ago. Things were going really good up until last week, now it feels like a disaster :-(
He has a 3 & 1/2 yr old son who is ul on holiday for 3 weeks (2 weeks left) but he's still in nappies, still has baby bottles of milk and has to be spoon fed baby/pur!ed/mashed food. He shouts, whinges and bangs things all the time. a week before he was due to arrive my boyfriend got a job so I had to take holidays from my work to look after the boy, but he's driving me nuts and with being pregnant I don't feel able for it. my daughter can't stay the night as he is selling in her room so she's annoyed, my son is annoyed with the boys behaviour and the fact his sister can't stay & i feel like im not getting to spend time with my own kids.
I spoke to my boyfriend last night and said how I was feeling but he doesn't get it or see the problem. he said a few weeks ago he was thinking about getting him full time and them getting a place of there own. I also said yesterday the boy being here for 3 weeks is too long, especially after the baby is born. He said today he thinks things aren't right with us and he wants his son full time. There's no way I can do it, I don't ask him to do anything for my 2 as either I do it or they go to there dads when I'm working. in this last week he's hardly touched me and tonight rolled over and gone to sleep without even a cuddle I feel like I'm waiting for him to say he's moving out and leaving me to get custody of his son. what do I do? I have my own 2 kids to think of plus a new baby, before he moved here I made it clear i couldn't cope with his son too and gave him the chance to stay where he was and I'd bring up baby on my own.

Fire_Fox

Sorry you are feeling low.

If you dislike this child that much he should be returned to his mother, it's really sad how you call him "the boy" and resent him so utterly after just a few days. You have no guarantee your own next child won't have learning difficulties and be in nappies until three and a half, won't you cope? Can't the two boys share the larger bedroom and your daughter sleep in the smaller one?

I don't understand why you think you relationship is over after a single stressful week, all relationships have ups and downs and most couples talk about separating. If you are having a child together you are should be in it "for better or for worse" even if you are not actually married. Maybe once this stressful time is over (son AND new job) you can have relationship counselling?

Your own kids are not going to be scarred for life by this experience, nor are you missing out on time with them that you will regret until the day you die. I presume you expect your partner to act as a caring step parent and good role model to your children not want rid of them when they are badly behaved, this is the same. This child needs time with his father to grow up a happy well adjusted little boy. Are you expecting the new baby to take the place of his existing son?

FBaby

Unfortunately you are now experiencing the consequences of having rushed things and now realising that recomposing a new family is not straight forward. It seems neither of you were prepared to consider the impact that of the move on the other. Your partner should never expect you to take over his role at least until you are all totally settled. At the same time you have to accept he has right to want to consider his son moving with you just like he accepts your children.

I think it is time you draw some clear rules if you want to give it a chance. In the future he can't expect you to look after his son at any time. I have been with my partner 4 years living together almost two and I still always ask him if he is okay to look after them and they are much older.

At the same time you and your family will need to accept this child as part of your family. You seem quite critical of him and you need to watch how this is affecting your behaviour. He is a toddler finding himself in a new house with new people not easy to cope with. You might have reasons to resent his father but the child is innocent.

pyjamadays

He doesn't have learning difficulties, he's just never been taken out of nappies & off bottles. I only call him the boy to differentiate between him & my children. I don't resent him as such but he is in my daughters room in her bed, if she wants to stay she has to sleep on the chair in the sitting room.
I don't think we rushed things, we'd been together for 2 yrs.

I don't ask my bf to look after my children as I already wrote, and even if he did, at there age there isn't much looking after to be done.

Sambucus_Nigra

Your first mistake was taking that week off rather than letting him deal with his son. Why should it be your responsibility? As soon as he knew he was in a new job he should have negotiated with the mother about when he was coming over. How would he cope with him full time in a place of his own?

pyjamadays

I didn't take 1 week off, it's nearly 3 apart from weekends when I'm working. I'm not saying I never want him here, just not for 3 weeks when I have to look after him. 1 would be fine.

Annisele

From your boyfriend's point of view, it might seem that you're trying to make him choose between you and his son.

If there's any chance he thinks that, please please make sure you haven't created that contest - it's not one you can possibly win. Once the contest is created, if he chooses his son then you've lost him. If he chooses you - then you've ended up with somebody who'd put a new partner ahead of a relationship with his children (and that would say unpleasant things about his character).

gibson123

Poor wee chap, his daddy moves into a new family, he has to go and stay with them and his daddy is working, they don't really like him, and he doesn't have his mummy either. It also sounds like he is not getting much attention at home either, if he has no learning or psychological difficulties then he really should be put of nappies, bottles and on to solid foods now. It does sound like the parenting leaves a lot to be desired. However you are an expereinced parent, you can see what is wrong and have successfully got your own kids past this stage, I don't understand why you are washing your hands and not offering your boyfriend more help to get involved with his son and get him past the nappy stage and on to eating foods. If you are having a baby together you can see it as a way of teaching your BF to get some better parenting skills before your own baby arrives.

tyllwyd

I think you have got too many things mixed up in the same problem - one issue is your pregnancy, one issue is readjusting to your boyfriend moving in, and the other issue is his son. Looking at what you've said, if he is over three and still in nappies and drinking milk from a bottle etc, there is some kind of a problem there, whether it is his development or issues in the way that his mother is caring for him. Maybe your boyfriend is more worried than he is letting on and he feels he needs to help his son. You need to think about whether you are willing/able to get more involved in his son's life.

I think you need to sit down, and sort out in your own mind what the problems are, and what you want in the future. If your boyfriend needs to look after his son, can the two of you sort out a way to do it - maybe even moving house if necessary.

VfM4meplse

Your b/f is a selfish child himself, and is used to taking advantage of the women in his life. He's certainly ignoring your wishes, do you think he's going to change?

He wants his son f/t now? How does he propose to look after him w/o relying on you? Let him deal with his life without compromising your family, and he might finally grow up. In your position I'd be waving him goodbye :wave:

FBaby

Of course you have rushed things. A two year long distance relationship is miles away to where you are now. how much time did you spend with his boy before your partner moved in? It sounds like it is coming as a surprise that he is nappies and the rest. Wasn't him staying three weeks not discussed way in advanced? It sounds like the pregnancy is what prompted the move rather than doing it the other way round.