Grandparents Presents - Double Standards?

Alias_Omega

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies. We are reading them.

Cone of Chips sat on the seawall - Something not done these days, easy to fire into McDonalds/KFC/BurgerKing etc. Was a stop gap between running around on the beach, and heading out onto the fun fair.

Presents Value - We understand that with age, presents value do increase though another difference can be shown as providing a bouncy castle for someone, and a <£5 plastic B&M toy.

I understand whats going on, which i dont have a problem with it. However Mrs AO see's different.

MissKeith

How do the children see it though? I think I'm with your OH on this one. It's one thing favouring one set of grandchildren over another when it comes to gifts that will never be seen by the others, it's another blatantly favouriting the children with your time/attention/behaviours in front of them. Children do not understand semantics or financial situations, it will be noticed and if not dealt with, resentment could very well breed.

I would speak to your parents and ask them to be more thoughtful in front of the children. It's up to them how they spend their money but flaunting it in front of your kids seems like it could cause a lot of hurt.

sassyblue

Alias_Omega wrote: »

I understand whats going on, which i dont have a problem with it. However Mrs AO see's different.

What do you feel about the seaside chips incident?

poet123

I think that grandparents should spend equally on their grandchildren provided one set are not in greater need than the other, and then they should quietly explain to the other parties why they are buying more for that set. I feel most siblings would accept that the kids of their struggling single parent sister may have greater unmet material needs than those of their own kids, and so be willing to make allowances. Not an ideal scenario, but to me an understandable one.

All things being equal, everyone should have the same amount spent on them of course.

As for the chip incident, I see it that the grandmother has taken along her grandchildren from the OP's sister and so she felt she should pay for their meal in loco parentis, the OP and his wife were present and so she was under the impression that they would pay for their own family. It wouldn't have been a big deal to me, and thinking back it has happened to us. My MIL had my husband's sisters girls a lot of the time, she was a single mum with MH issues, if we went out she would automatically pay, or offer to pay, for the girls and we would pay for our kids. Most often we paid for everyone, but I don't ever remember her offering to pay for our kids and we never expected or even thought about it....till now.

As long as the differential is for good reasons and not flaunted by one side or pitied by the other side I can't really see a problem with it. We never knew what MIL bought the girls for xmas or birthdays, I suspect it was more than she gave ours but I don't have a problem with that. She knew we were well able to provide for our kids and unfortunately his sister was not, such is life.

So, whilst on the surface it may seem unfair, if the OP and/or his wife can remove the emotion from the situation and not equate financial contributions to the amount of regard or love granny feels then maybe it will cease to be the huge issue it seems to be now.

loracan1

Alias_Omega wrote: »

My mum leads the way into a low standard cafe and decides to buy dinner for 4 of the 6 grandchildren, leaving our 2 out.

I gathered that this was because we were present that we could by it for them, but Mrs AO saw red on this occasion. "Why buy for 4, instead of the 6?" She moaned.

I'm puzzled by this, and that people agree it was wrong - I've actually had to doubleback and check that Mrs AO was there, and she clearly is. Why on earth would she have expected your mum to buy for your two, it should never have been raised as an issue because your wife should have been alongside buying the food for your children. Was she waiting to see what happened so she could take offence..?

Acc72

loracan1 wrote: »

I'm puzzled by this, and that people agree it was wrong - I've actually had to doubleback and check that Mrs AO was there, and she clearly is.

Why on earth would she have expected your mum to buy for your two, it should never have been raised as an issue because your wife should have been alongside buying the food for your children.

Was she waiting to see what happened so she could take offence..?

I agree with the above.

In general it sounds as though the grandmother has a fixed £x amount of money to spend on presents.

When buying presents she then spends more on the other grangchildren as she probably sees that they receive less in monetary terms from their parents than you are able to provide for your children.

You may not agree with her logic, but it seems as though she is just trying to even out the presents.

Scorpio33

I am in a similar situation to you OP where by I have got a good job, and so can easily support my family, where as my sibilings are worse off due to poor lifestyle choices. The issue with double standards riled me for a while, as to me it reflected a difference in how they perceive me as thier child and my kid as thier grandchild - that somehow we all meant less to them.

I implore you and your other half to calmly discuss this with the elders, as without talking about it, you will both get to a situation whereby your relationship with the elders is affected, and whereby your perception of what is happening differs to what is actually happening you assume reasons for things happening based on what you have thought before rather than what is actually happening. I held my feelings in for a long time, and when it all came out, firstly they didn't realise how I felt but also they asked me why did I not mention something sooner?

I don't think you are really looking for a change in behaviours, more of a reason behind it and to know that you and your family are not thought less of just because of the way you are treated. If you can't speak to your family honestly, then things really do need to change.

So have that conversation, clear the air and get on with things.

But talking also means accepting that what adults do with their money is entirely their own choice. If they spend differently to how you would there is nothing you or anybody can do about it.

Alias_Omega

loracan1 wrote: »

I'm puzzled by this, and that people agree it was wrong - I've actually had to doubleback and check that Mrs AO was there, and she clearly is. Why on earth would she have expected your mum to buy for your two, it should never have been raised as an issue because your wife should have been alongside buying the food for your children. Was she waiting to see what happened so she could take offence..?

Hi Loracan1,

If you read back a few pages, you will notice that i was away at the cash machine whilst this was going on.

If Mrs AO had any cash on her, she would have no doubt been the first inside. Usually food outlets are available to card payments, though this place was definately not up to that high standard.

Regards,

Alias

Acc72

Alias_Omega wrote: »

Usually food outlets are available to card payments, though this place was definately not up to that high standard.

To be honest, you have made similar comments to the one above on this thread, and it may be possible that this attitude may not be helping the situation ?

Maybe it was all your mother could afford as she was paying for herself and 4 of her grandchildren ?

In this example, as your mother was paying for 5 it would not seem unreasonable for her to assume that you could pay for yourself, your wife and your 2 children (particularly as it looks as though she is on a low fixed income, and your income is much higher).

POPPYOSCAR

Acc72 wrote: »

To be honest, you have made similar comments to the one above on this thread, and it may be possible that this attitude may not be helping the situation ?

Maybe it was all your mother could afford as she was paying for herself and 4 of her grandchildren ?

In this example, as your mother was paying for 5 it would not seem unreasonable for her to assume that you could pay for yourself, your wife and your 2 children (particularly as it looks as though she is on a low fixed income, and your income is much higher).

I understand this to a degree.

But why not discuss this and at least wait until he had returned with some cash and then bought all the food at the same time.