Grandparents Presents - Double Standards?

POPPYOSCAR

londonsurrey wrote: »

As an adult, I advocate firmly pointing out and avoiding further injustices to children in general, and especially to those in my care, regardless of whether the children notice.

Simply moaning implies a general vent to release unpleasant feelings, not necessarily directed at fixing the problem or injustice.

I agree.

In my experience it is when things like this simmer under the surface for a long time that when it eventually does come to a head it causes more problems than if tackled early on.

Hmm71

Gottodothis wrote: »

My nan did this to us.

I still remember my sisters getting a brand new bike each and i got a coloured in colouring book.

My Crime.............I had dark hair and dark skin like my mother

Oh poor you, I do feel for you. My gran didn't really like me or my siblings as she thought we took after our mother. Our mother being, apparently, the evil hag who dared to marry her, Gran's, darling little boy and take him away.
Gran also managed to cause a massive family fall out by buying presents for two of our cousins but not the third. She claimed she hadn't been able to afford presents for all three but as my aunt and uncle pointed out if that was the case she shouldn't have bought anything for anybody or she should have bought one present for the whole family.

Mado

I agree with you that as long as the children do not see they are treated differently, it doesn't matter too much. But surely, the cafe incident was very visible and I also would have seen red.

My grandmother was very much like this and treated some of my sisters differently based on her perception of our needs...:think: It was awful.

One of my SIL has long been jaleous of the special realtionship my children have with my MIL; although in this case, my MIL has always been careful to give gifts of equal values you cannot change the bonds created when you see someone more frequently. I should point out that she (SIL) has a very strong relationship with her own family and has never appeared at ease with her OH's family. I, on the other hand have a good relationship with my MIL and will happily exploit offers to look after them for a day/weekend.

Dunroamin

sassyblue wrote: »

They could have been really big cones?

A cone of chips for dinner at the seaside isn't going to hurt just the once.

Hardly a treat when you take children for a day out though.

POPPYOSCAR

Dunroamin wrote: »

Hardly a treat when you take children for a day out though.

Well it might be if they do not usually have them at home.

When my children were little I made a point of never having them at home but they could have them when out.

Mojisola

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

In my experience it is when things like this simmer under the surface for a long time that when it eventually does come to a head it causes more problems than if tackled early on.

I think this is the crux of the matter. It doesn't matter what we think about it - if the injustice is really getting to your wife then it will come out. It would be better to deal with it at a time when you can keep emotions out of it rather than in the heat of another moment of discrimination.

Perhaps you need to start off with a quiet word with your mother but have a united front. Don't say to your Mum - I don't really care but Mrs AO is getting upset - that will only inflame things.

Counting_Pennies_2

I haven't had a chance to read the replies, but I would say ....

Give back to them the percentage of time, money, love and effort that they give to you.

I am one of three and find that there is not equality in any area, but I no longer feel guilty and try hard to work on any bitterness.

They write me a cheque for Christmas, birthday etc, so I just write one back to them in the same amount. They don't come to see me at all, (I would like to say I won't see them either, however, I don't want my children not to know who their family are) I travel to see them around the times of their birthdays. They don't see us at Christmas, don't mind so much as they always bring the atmosphere down, so we don't see them during the festive season.

In terms of the value to the children, I would perhaps suggest an item that the children would appreciate for Christmas and see if they get it for them. If not, and you continue to receive charity gifts for the children, I would go to Oxfam and buy their charity gift card (which basically says with the money spent on the card, a cow has been given to the third world) and that is the present from your family to the grandparents.

Do it with good humour and light heart, don't let them bring you down to their level.

Love and spoil your children in the right measure and maybe buy them the gift you would have hoped their grandparents would have given them, as an extra to your items, and your wife will be happy and you will have a clear mind.

It will eat you up if you confront them. Just let it go and be happy with your family unit, vowing never to treat yours that way

Spendless

embob74 wrote: »

However if it was not an exaggeration that they bought a mobile phone and a second hand train then there seems to be little thought towards the lesser present and that is unforgivable.

I don't know. What if the 2nd hand train set is of a calibre that can no longer be bought brand new? Though I did think he said a train set, not just a train. I'll have to go back and look.



.........................................................................................

Sometimes things are not quite as they look to the 'irritated' party. A couple of years ago my parents bought my son a bike going shares with my Grandmother, but for personal reasons she sends my sister's kids (twins who are a year younger than my son) money. When my parents announced they had also bought my neice and nephew bikes too and in addition had bought them their 1st payg phones, I felt they'd spent less on mine. Good job I never said anything- neice and nephew had had a cheaper bike- you could tell the quality wasn't the same when you saw them and the phones had come from a carphone warehouse offer they'd spotted on the off-chance where they could buy a phone for 1p as long as you also bought £10 credit.

londonsurrey

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

I haven't had a chance to read the replies, but I would say ....

Give back to them the percentage of time, money, love and effort that they give to you.

I am one of three and find that there is not equality in any area, but I no longer feel guilty and try hard to work on any bitterness.

They write me a cheque for Christmas, birthday etc, so I just write one back to them in the same amount. They don't come to see me at all, (I would like to say I won't see them either, however, I don't want my children not to know who their family are) I travel to see them around the times of their birthdays. They don't see us at Christmas, don't mind so much as they always bring the atmosphere down, so we don't see them during the festive season.

In terms of the value to the children, I would perhaps suggest an item that the children would appreciate for Christmas and see if they get it for them. If not, and you continue to receive charity gifts for the children, I would go to Oxfam and buy their charity gift card (which basically says with the money spent on the card, a cow has been given to the third world) and that is the present from your family to the grandparents.

Do it with good humour and light heart, don't let them bring you down to their level.

Love and spoil your children in the right measure and maybe buy them the gift you would have hoped their grandparents would have given them, as an extra to your items, and your wife will be happy and you will have a clear mind.

It will eat you up if you confront them. Just let it go and be happy with your family unit, vowing never to treat yours that way

I like your way of coping, and agree it's a good way to go if the grandparents have basically been given up on.

If that were the state established that this was the state of the relationship, then I would not subject the children to being under the grandmother's "care", as it would simply leave them exposed to more incidents of blatant favourtism.

However, before going down this path, I would give it a go, at trying to give the grandmother a chance before giving up. As for whether the OP should, only he can know, as only he knows the full history, and all the other "chances" she's had, and he, his wife and children are the ones who have to live with the decision.

OneYorkshireLass

Gottodothis wrote: »

My nan did this to us.

I still remember my sisters getting a brand new bike each and i got a coloured in colouring book.

My Crime.............I had dark hair and dark skin like my mother

I had this too - still do, sadly - my crime was being a girl, not a boy. Plus the relationship with my g'parents and my mum were strained. It wasn't just presents with me though, it was the fact that they never invited me on days out (but did take my cousins on trips regularly), I've never slept over at their house, never even spent a whole day with them. And they couldn't even blame the geography as I was only 20 minutes across town and they had a car.

OP this ^ affects me more now that it did when I was younger. I'd suggest you have a collective word with the adults involved and iron it out before the kids become aware that there's a rift.