Grandparents Presents - Double Standards?

Alias_Omega

balletshoes wrote: »

oh dear - so you might be seeing even less of your parents from then on then?

Well they dont come to see me now, though they did once volunteer to come see me when i was in hospital with a suspected blood clot to my left lung.

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

Mr AO, what do you think will happen if Mrs AO says something? Does she generally get on with your olds? Will this make things worse or are they likely to ignore her, roll their eyes and carry on as normal? Or will they be mortified and suitably ashamed?

I would say Yes & No. If she blew her lid, i am unsure if she would be welcome at the house. Which in the past, an ex was told they were not welcome at the house. So i did not go to the house.

Spendless

Is there a big age gap between the grandchildren. Just you've mentioned a train set and I forgot what the other item was --a blackberry? That indicates to me perhaps one is Secondary school age, whilst the other is infant or pre-school age?

Could it be possible that the difference in money is being put into a savings account for your kids. Or that the others have got to an age where it's such a struggle to think of something cheap they are giving more, and that will one day happen to yours whilst the older ones having hit 18+ are reduced to a pair of socks? Or might it be that they are finding fab deals on whatever the older ones are having - by trading, upgrading a new phone, so the same amount of £s is spent, but the worth is more to one?

I understand what your Mum did re food, she thought you'd feed your own so paid for the others so you didn't have to, sharing the bill if you like instead if giving the whole of it to 1 person.

If Mrs AO is annoyed by what she sees (whether accurate or not) she is possibly watching for incidences like this to happen?

sassyblue

Alias_Omega wrote: »

I'm with you, i did feel like writing a message via email to my parents about the issue, but Mrs AO said she will have it out with them next it happens.

I think you should say something AO. It's one thing that you and Mrs.AO know it goes on but it's totally unacceptable to do it to the children personally. (I'm talking about the seaside episode which was unforgivable IMO).

My nan treated our cousins differently - well they were the children of the apple of her eye :cool: l remember us all going to the seaside one day with my nan and auntie, l don't remember the whole day l just remember being in the coach to come home, my nan and aunt bought slush puppies for everyone, but me and my sister had to share one. Children don't understand or care for family dynamics - they just feel they are not loved as much.

It's pathetic really l remember still feeling some sadness about that, and we were probably treated the same all day, but for the sake of a drink that probably cost 20p at the time and they could have afforded one for each of us!

All other arguments aside it's mean, l cannot understand your mums reasoning to do that to her grandchildren.

seven-day-weekend

I think it is a bit mean of the parents, but I don't honestly think it is worth bothering about.

Leave it and get on with your life.

londonsurrey

The presents, etc, as they're in the post, and not being compared by the children, I would quietly enquire about.

But to feed the cousins in front of your children, I take that as a red rag. It goes beyond the pale.

Even if I were really strapped for cash, only had enough money for 4 bags of chips, I would ask the SIX children to share between themselves. Otherwise, I'd wait for you to come back from the machine.

There is no way any child should be fed first, unless it had a medical condition making it paramount or it was a babe in arms. I don't care if one of them is ruddy little Lord Fauntleroy. It's a child, and in my care, and not going to be discriminated against for something that not its fault.

All the theoretical money in the world that it has is not getting it any food whilst it's not handling the purse strings, it's up to me to get it the food and fair treatment.

I would definitely have a word with the grandmother. She then has a chance to change her behaviour. It would then be her responsibility, any repercussions her choice.

sk00bie1

londonsurrey wrote: »

But to feed the cousins in front of your children, I take that as a red rag. It goes beyond the pale.

Even if I were really strapped for cash, only had enough money for 4 bags of chips, I would ask the SIX children to share between themselves. Otherwise, I'd wait for you to come back from the machine.

There is no way any child should be fed first, unless it had a medical condition making it paramount or it was a babe in arms. I don't care if one of them is ruddy little Lord Fauntleroy. It's a child, and in my care, and not going to be discriminated against for something that not its fault.

All the theoretical money in the world that it has is not getting it any food whilst it's not handling the purse strings, it's up to me to get it the food and fair treatment.

I would definitely have a word with the grandmother. She then has a chance to change her behaviour. It would then be her responsibility, any repercussions her choice.

This is pretty much what I was about to post with regard to the seaside incident. Buying for some and not others when they are all present is unacceptable. I take it Mrs AO did not have any cash on her or she would have bought for your (or even all) children there and then?

londonsurrey wrote: »

The presents, etc, as they're in the post, and not being compared by the children, I would quietly enquire about.

I think if the seaside incident is brought up then discussions about the presents will follow. However I am also curious to know the ages of the different children.

loopylass

I am a grandparent myself and treat my 2 little grandsons the same, when or if i have more from my other children they will all be treated the same.
When children are young they dont notice these things but when they get older they will and it will hurt and they will remember it

Similar situation with my mum i was the one that was there and did everything but i wasnt the first born so the black sheep, i didnt notice it as a youngster but my teenage years i did and i used to be so upset by it wondering why i wasnt good enough

When my own children were growing up this was always in the back of my mind cos i never want my children or grandchildren now feeling the way i did

3 of my children are adults now and they still get exactly the same spent on them regardless of how much they each earn, or how little you see them its about treating them the same

The seaside incident was disgusting in my eyes and that incident alone id have to say something, just a quiet word away from the children explaining how you feel as she might not see it herself.
Better to let her know in a gentle way now rather than leave it and wait until your children are old enough to notice themselves and be hurt by it

There dont need to be any fall outs and as they are your parents its best coming from you dont accuse just ask if theres a reason why they are treated differently

carolineb23

Yes I would agree with the previous posters who say that 'seasidegate' was unacceptable. I also think all grandchildren should be treated equally but I suspect it would do more harm than good mentioning the presents as your kids don't know what's going on. But I don't agree with it one bit. Tough situation op, let us know whether your wife raises it with you parents as it would be interesting to see if they know they're doing it.

juliebunny

I feel sorry for the other kids - our gran was always telling us how unfortunate we were compared to our cousins, so I bet they are getting that too, and our uncle - on the thankfully few occasions we met up - was always going on about how well he was doing - a real bore. Then the gran died and left EVERTHING to them. Some families are f*&*ed and I'm just glad we get to choose our own friends and partners!

Frankly we didn't miss what we never had and never griped about missing out on material possessions. We got love from our parents and were just glad we didn't have to see the other side of the family!

You say you are doing well - you went to college and got a good job - presumably you worked hard to get where you are today - I don't know what your other families circumstances are but you should be proud of that and being able to provide for your kids. Comparisons are stupid.

All the grandkids should be treated the same IMO. I would be with your wife on this one....tell her that if that is her attitude, not to bother getting them anything and you can get them something extra. She's acting like Robin Hood, labour government or communist state, re-distribution to the poor...

EDITING THIS - just to say that I do believe in helping families less fortunate than my own - BUT children should learn the value of money - I would not personally let my kids have fancy phones, no matter what my circumstances they won't understand the work required to pay for them. What is our gran we teaching them? Your family are struggling, you are sooo poor but here you go have a BB. Maybe I'm just sour because I still don't' have one LOL!

But I'm talking about really poor families - we have schemes at work to donate a gift to a very poor local family and I've often done Shoeboxes to send to poor kids overseas. Sorry didn't mean to get too political.

rpc

londonsurrey wrote: »

But to feed the cousins in front of your children, I take that as a red rag. It goes beyond the pale.

^^ This.

Presents, I can sort of see. I don't agree with it but I wouldn't kick up a fuss.

Feeding four children and leaving the other two to watch is bang out of order. There were other alternatives, but she chose to make your kids feel left out.

Seasidegate needs to be discussed and quite bluntly.