Grandparents Presents - Double Standards?

Alias_Omega

I'm the eldest of the litter of children. My path in life was an easy choice. School>College>Good Job. The others however have not done as well in life.

For months & months, Mrs AO has been going on and on at me about Double Standards. The other Grandchildren on one side of the family appear to be getting "better" presents that our lot. It would appear that £50 is good for one child, but £4 is good for our child.

Mrs AO gets really annoyed about this, but i dont really care as the presents that are usually provided are c*rap and dont last very long. The children rarely want for anything and sometimes i have to regin Mrs AO back in otherwise the children would have everything.

The children do not notice the difference, as presents arrive in the post.

It would appear that as were "doing well" in life and dont see my parents on a daily basis, that we have been forgotten about. Similar to a divide put between us all, as we have a mortgage/nice car etc whilst the rest of the family tree do not.

Also, time is an issue. When were around the Grand Parents seem to be more worried about the other grand children, than spending time with those they do not see often.

It really does make us feel like we should not bother to make the effort always travelling to them, as they will spend time & money travelling to see "loser" families than to see 1/3 of there ofspring.

Should i say something to my parents about the Double Standards & the Time?

(Note - An example of a present would be... A new blackberry phone for one child, and a 2nd hand trainset from a charity shop for the other..)

duchy

Presumably the Grandparents don't have unlimited financial resources and although in an ideal world would give equal presents perhaps they are gifting on "need"-I can also see that they may feel your children have enough (or even see them as over-indulged from your comments about having to rein Mrs AO in with her gift buying).

You sound like you've set yourself apart from your family-that you've done "better" in your eyes at least in financial terms. Maybe the grandparents just feel closer to the other siblings and their children ?

fluffnutter

I think you're right in identifying the crux of the matter - your parents perhaps don't see your children as in need of their bounty as the offspring of your other 'loser' siblings (your description, not mine!). To their mind then, perhaps they're trying to address a balance.

A couple of things bother me about this issue. Firstly, you (correctly to my mind) seem unbothered by this; it's only because your wife gets upset that you feel the need to say something. To an outsider (I'm not saying your wife is a true 'outsider' but families are funny things) any injustice like this will be viewed in a black and white way, i.e. 'your mum gives more to your brother's kids then she does to ours', whereas you have the benefit of understanding your family's dynamic better, feel more confident in your place in that family (you talk about your success) and therefore don't need to rely on gifts to appreciate your status within the group.

Secondly, money doesn't equal love. Just because your parents might spend more on their other grandchildren doesn't mean they value yours any less. This is perhaps a little less straightforward because you do mention that your parents seem to spend less time with your kids. However, I think this is, again, to do with your being seen as less needy than the others.

If this genuinely bothers you, you *could* try to broach it but I wouldn't recommend an out and out 'you favour your other grandchildren'. This is far too combative, and will probably just seem like churlishness or sour grapes. But I don't think it really bothers you. I think it bothers your wife. I think you've got everything in perspective, personally. Why not let your parents help out your less successful siblings? Life isn't 'fair' and parents don't always treat their kids (or grandkids) the same. The best approach is to realise everyone's human and motivated by all sorts of complicated factors. We don't need to strive for perfect harmony all the time. You need to weigh up your distress at this with how badly your parents might take any criticism of the way they treat their grandchildren and the ensuing bad feeling that might cause.

At the end of the day, are your kids suffering? If not, then I'd leave well alone.

mildred1978

We have the same situation on both sides of the family, but moreso with OH's family. They all live close, so are "in sight, in mind" if you like. We're further away, and the most successful of the offspring, so we're forgotten. I don't care about them forgetting me or OH, but when they blatantly exclude or forget our son they see my inner lioness (and get the same treatment in return).

Mojisola

Alias_Omega wrote: »

(Note - An example of a present would be... A new blackberry phone for one child, and a 2nd hand trainset from a charity shop for the other..)

I can understand your wife getting upset by this but I think she's going to have to learn to live with it.

People have the right to spend their money as and when they want and, if they chose to favour the other children, there's not much you can do about it.

They, of course, run the risk of losing contact with your family. If they aren't interested in the children even when you take them to see their grandparents, I can't imagine the visits will continue.

POPPYOSCAR

I do not care who has what or who has not.

All should be treated equally.

I am a Grandmother and would never treat one differently over the other.

I would feel exactly the same as your wife and if it were happening in my family I would definitely be saying something to them.

Alias_Omega

Duchy,

Thats exactly what i was thinking, but Mrs AO seems to see things different.

The big push for Mrs AO was when we were all together at the seaside. We tagged along for the day. Together we took all the grandchildren to the seaside, plus my nan . My plan for dinner was to pick up 6 cones of chips and sit on the sea wall.

My mum leads the way into a low standard cafe and decides to buy dinner for 4 of the 6 grandchildren, leaving our 2 out.

I gathered that this was because we were present that we could by it for them, but Mrs AO saw red on this occasion. "Why buy for 4, instead of the 6?" She moaned.

Our 2 were left wondering what was going on. Of course we followed like sheep and purchased the same. I do know that funds are limited and no way did the 2 other single parents in the family forward on any funding for the day.

Maybe next time, buy for them all or buy for none was the answer..

poet123

How do you know this is happening?

duchy

Alias_Omega wrote: »

Duchy,

Thats exactly what i was thinking, but Mrs AO seems to see things different.

The big push for Mrs AO was when we were all together at the seaside. We tagged along for the day. Together we took all the grandchildren to the seaside, plus my nan . My plan for dinner was to pick up 6 cones of chips and sit on the sea wall.

My mum leads the way into a low standard cafe and decides to buy dinner for 4 of the 6 grandchildren, leaving our 2 out.

I gathered that this was because we were present that we could by it for them, but Mrs AO saw red on this occasion. "Why buy for 4, instead of the 6?" She moaned.

Our 2 were left wondering what was going on. Of course we followed like sheep and purchased the same. I do know that funds are limited and no way did the 2 other single parents in the family forward on any funding for the day.

Maybe next time, buy for them all or buy for none was the answer..

If the other parents weren't present and you were and you and Mrs AO earn more than the grandparents ...............it seems quite acceptable to me.

fluffnutter

Alias_Omega wrote: »

Duchy,

Thats exactly what i was thinking, but Mrs AO seems to see things different.

The big push for Mrs AO was when we were all together at the seaside. We tagged along for the day. Together we took all the grandchildren to the seaside, plus my nan . My plan for dinner was to pick up 6 cones of chips and sit on the sea wall.

My mum leads the way into a low standard cafe and decides to buy dinner for 4 of the 6 grandchildren, leaving our 2 out.

I gathered that this was because we were present that we could by it for them, but Mrs AO saw red on this occasion. "Why buy for 4, instead of the 6?" She moaned.

Our 2 were left wondering what was going on. Of course we followed like sheep and purchased the same. I do know that funds are limited and no way did the 2 other single parents in the family forward on any funding for the day.

Maybe next time, buy for them all or buy for none was the answer..

TBH, alias, if you're the success you say you are, why were you letting your mum buy anything at all? Why weren't you stumping up for your kids and your nephews/nieces?!

Alias_Omega

duchy wrote: »

If the other parents weren't present and you were and you and Mrs AO earn more than the grandparents ...............it seems quite acceptable to me.

Were different, its all or nothing. Unless pre-arranged.


I ask, if your child had a friend around for the afternoon and you were making snacks.

Would you just make snacks for your children, or would you include the friend?

I guess the answer is similar here..