Real-life MMD: Should student daughter contribute?

full-time-mum

She should definitely contribute something. If she was at a university away from home then she would be paying rent and buying her own food.

£20 a week is very generous.

In your shoes I would go and find out what the going rent is for
i) Halls of Residence
ii) Local private student accommodation

and point out the discrepancies.
As a last resort, don't let her make her lunch at home so she has to go to the canteen, refuse to wash her clothes and point her in the direction of the launderette etc.

I hope you don't have to throw her out but it might be the kindest thing to do in the long run.

chloenightingale

If £20 a week is really going to make or break you, I would talk to your daughter and explain your financial situation. But if £20 less a week isn't going to put you in the poor house, I wouldn't ask her for the money. She's going to Uni full-time and has a job on top of that, so it's not as if she's lacking in responsibility.

A lot of these comments seem to take the notion that the daughter is a big fat ungrateful sponger, when in reality, she probably has her hands full with work and school. It's not like she's in her late 20s, jobless, and spending all her benefit money on handbags and girl-nights-out.

Asking her for money if you don't need it gives the impression that you see her as a sponger and someone who doesn't deserve to live in your house if she doesn't pay, instead of like a daughter you love and support.

I know at least 2 people whose parents have asked them to pay rent or move out while they were still in full-time education and they both have estranged relationships with their parents because their parents put more value on "teaching them responsibility" than on their relationship.
I know that doesn't apply to everyone, but please consider what impression you might be giving your daughter and how this might affect your relationship.

Talent

She's your child, look after her for goodness sake. We never took a penny off any of our five daughters. They all worked and had part time jobs while still at school, two went through uni. We paid for stuff like driving lessons and helped with first car and costs. No, we're not rich in money but we are rich in family, with a multitude of grandchildren and now with two greatgrandchildren. Don't lose her....

venderqueen

I made my son pay £20 a week and he thought he was badly done by.
So I said he could see how he went on for a week or two paying his way, by the time he had bought his own lunches and toiletries and his washing was piling up he handed over the money in under a week. Now he is grumbling because I have asked him for £30 but he earns more than me now so I think i will have to go on strike again.

Mojisola

chloenightingale wrote: »

I know that doesn't apply to everyone, but please consider what impression you might be giving your daughter and how this might affect your relationship.

Talent wrote: »

She's your child, look after her for goodness sake. We never took a penny off any of our five daughters. They all worked and had part time jobs while still at school, two went through uni. We paid for stuff like driving lessons and helped with first car and costs. No, we're not rich in money but we are rich in family, with a multitude of grandchildren and now with two greatgrandchildren. Don't lose her....

And the same applies to many, many families where the adult children behaved like adults and took responsibility for themselves!

If my children only stayed around because we were money-fountains, I would be wondering what I'd done wrong when they were children and whether they were around because they loved me or my money.

This young adult is being asked to part with £20 which leaves her with £90 a week. I wonder if her mother has £90 a week spending money.

teabythesea

Talent, what an ignorant post! Asking your child to pay to live at home doesn't mean you are at risk of losing them, and if you are, ask yourself what sort of children you have raised!!!! I'm glad my parents made me see life was tough, it wasn't so much of a shock when I did move out!

smeeth

It's fairly simple to make her see sense.
Tell her that she has to pay her way or she doesn't receive the benefits.
She won't get use of electricity, water, gas, heating, cooking appliances, food, technology items etc.
She'll soon realise that £20 out of her £110 won't kill her.

chloenightingale

Mojisola wrote: »

If my children only stayed around because we were money-fountains, I would be wondering what I'd done wrong when they were children and whether they were around because they loved me or my money.

And this is the attitude I was getting at in my post -- I might agree with your assessment if she were working and not in college or was much older, not attending university, and not working, but I hardly think an 18 year old university student living at home means she is sticking around just because of the money-fountain/living at home for free. I think it's quite reasonable to look after your kids when they go to college and to not ask them for money if you don't need it. Just because they turn 18 and are legally adults doesn't mean they are suddenly ungrateful spongers that must pay rent or get out.

Mojisola

chloenightingale wrote: »

I think it's quite reasonable to look after your kids when they go to college and to not ask them for money if you don't need it. Just because they turn 18 and are legally adults doesn't mean they are suddenly ungrateful spongers that must pay rent or get out.

In this case, the OP does need it!

I think any 18 year old with £110 in her pocket every week who didn't offer to contribute to the household expenses is being ungrateful.

Clueless969

Mojisola wrote: »

In this case, the OP does need it!

I think any 18 year old with £110 in her pocket every week who didn't offer to contribute to the household expenses is being ungrateful.

Agreed and personally believe that it's irrelevant whether the parent(s) need the money. The sooner financial discipline is engendered the better and moving on to further education or even a low paid job (such as an apprenticeship) is not too soon.

Personal responsibility is also a big factor, it's never too early to start to take personal responsibility. Circumstances change and whilst parents may be able to afford to give their children a free ride with no different responsibilities than they've had since they became teenagers, who knows what will happen tomorrow? If the situation changes and suddenly the children's cash input becomes essential, it is going to be VERY much harder for everyone to adjust financially to make ends meet.