Real-life MMD: Should student daughter contribute?

Mojisola

Toptips wrote: »

erhhh! either you are the perfect parent or don't have teenage children!
just see how many chores get done if you say its £20/wk rent and chores expected, or £40/wk but you can earn £20 back in chores.
Kids only do chores either under threat or if they're incentivised; since they've banned beating kids, incentives are best

Ever since the kids were little, they've helped around the house - toddlers can help to pick up their toys before bedtime - and their share of the work just grew as they did.

I'm their mother, not their servant. When they lived in shared accommodation, no-one cleaned up after them so why should their parents when they shared a house with us?

sazpot

This is frustrating me, where are the assumptions that anything is being done around the house for the daughter and food is being provided coming from?

I know when I lived with my parents I was expected to do my share of washing, cooking and cleaning, to buy my own lunches and my own dinner unless i fitted in with my parents plans, regardless of the rent I was or wasn't paying at any given time.

Halls are often oversubscribed so it is probably too late for that option and if she was to move out I would assume that she would get much higher loans/grants (I am not sure how the latest scheme works!).

Living at home is a sensible financial decision she has made to avoid student debt, the majority of students want to live in halls and those living at home find it hard and feel left out. She has proven she is not financially irresponsible just by deciding to live at home to start with and having a part-time job.

I don't think anyone can sensibly answer this without more information.

You would need to know more about the daughters living and commuting costs and the parents financial situation.

At 18 for the daughter we could be talking over £100 pcm just for insuring a car, £100 or more fuel wouldn't be unusual, £10 for road tax, £20 to save for servicing and breakdown cover, £30 for a mobile phone. Based on these hypothetical figures giving Mum £20 per week would leave barely more than £20 a week for food, clothes, haircuts, uni books, printing credit, stationery and a social life etc. Alternatively, uni is walking distance and she is significantly better off!

If as parents you have £100 a week after bills and food and can afford to go to the cinema and out for dinner with friends, would you really begrudge your child for having £40 to spend if they are studying full-time and working part-time?

If the situation is different and the daughter is affording luxuries as her bills are low and Mum and Dad can't afford to turn the heating up, this needs to be explained to the daughter and a fair amount should be agreed, the daughter needs to understand where her money is going and a sensible balance established. Not knowing where the £20 figure has Come from and thinking that Mum has just decided it to be the case will never go down well with a teenager working for their money.

Timing is also important, asking at the start of term, possibly without warning, when she may have been required to spend hundreds on books in week one is bad timing, ensuring all major initial costs are covered before rent is instigated is probably a good idea.

Remember that charging rent will potentially encourage her to move out and take out more student loans, do you really want to encourage this for £20 a week unless you really do need the money?

People are far too quick to think the worst of teenagers, what was right for you and your family situation at 18 might not be right for everyone else!

Clueless969

sazpot wrote: »

Remember that charging rent will potentially encourage her to move out and take out more student loans, do you really want to encourage this for £20 a week unless you really do need the money?

People are far too quick to think the worst of teenagers, what was right for you and your family situation at 18 might not be right for everyone else!

I don't believe this discussion has anything at all to do with what one thinks of teenagers but everything to do with accepting responsibility and preparation for life in the hard lane aka the world of work and the responsibilities that come with it.

Some children are responsible and some are irresponsible and those responsible ones will find ways, under almost any circumstances, to contribute to their home now that they've become adults, and others will not.

As we've seen in this discussion, both sides of this coin have been represented and the general consensus seems to be that contributing to the running of the family home is an essential discipline, whether the money is needed or not. It also appears to be believed that this discipline is better learnt sooner rather than later but, even if it has had to be later, 18 is a good time to start.

MrsGilbo

My husband had exactly this issue a few years ago with his nephew. His sister was getting into debt because of the problem. We explained to him that the money he received was instead of the tax credit and child benefit his mother used to get, not as well as. There is no more money coming into the house, it just gets handed out differently. The Government treats him as an adult, so takes the money away from his mother and gives it to him. Therefore, as an adult he needed to contribute to the household expenses. It was a tense conversation but it worked.
If you can get someone else to explain this, it may be easier, and also gives you moral support.

Greenantobe

Ideally, a family is not a financial transaction, but rather a group of people that support each other. Sometimes you will be giving and sometimes you will be taking - my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and siblings have all supported me in ways that could be considered to have a financial value, and now I am doing the same for them - my granny is ill, so I take my grandad a meal, my dad lost his job, so I got together with my siblings and helped to support my parents, my mum has a favourite magazine subscription which I pay by direct debit every year, my sister has just had a baby and I have been cleaning their house, taking round meals, handing on baby items. Crucially, when at uni, and living away, I contributed in many ways to the family, including financially when necessary.

This seems like an ideal opportunity to teach your child (she sounds like she really is still a child) about working together and the value of money. I hope to think that I would show my child the family budget, the in comings and outgoings and demonstrate what this means for your standard of living. Tackling the problem together will hopefully help her mature into a responsible, caring adult.

This does remind me to keep on with the financial education for my two children - hopefully if they always know the value of money, those teenage hormones won't have such an impact!

Good luck!

scrapingbuy

My 16 year old son pays his full monthly bursary from college to me to pay for his food. He is currently looking for a job, and has also offered to pay at least 50% of this to me and his dad to help out financially.

You need to talk to your daughter and be honest about your finances, then she may surprise you as my son did and volunteer to contribute.

My son also cooks at least twice a week, and will often run the vac round, or clean the bathroom etc. as he has been brought up to understand families are a team that have to work together to get by.

suchgreatheights

I am all for people standing on their own two feet, but I can't help thinking you are being a bit of miser.

Your daughter is already studying full time and working part time, and university is an expensive 3 years.

I firmly believe that money spent while at university is the best time to spend it. It is so important to make the most of those 3 short years, and throwing herself into it will see her in good stead in later life.

You've supported her for 18 years - is £20 a week really going to kill you? It might make a huge difference to her ability to socialise and meet people. She is already having to live at home instead of in halls where you tend to meet a lot of people, so I think she needs all the help she can get. Be a bit more supportive - after all she's the one who will be paying for you in later life, so give her the best possible start.

Storm

When I started my first full time job, my take home pay was a smidge over £400 a month (mid 90's). I was living with my parents, and gave them £100 a month towards board, plus although I ate with them most evenings I also bought food for my lunches, and bits & bobs. I felt lucky because I knew that if I wasn't living at home I wouldn't have any sort of social life once I'd paid rent & bills in a shared house.

However, I grew up knowing that money was tight, from about the age of 13/14 the itemised phone bill was gone through, and any calls I'd made to my friends that were itemised I had to pay out of my pocket money/saturday job.

I think, as others have said, you need to have an adult to adult conversation with your daughter - and try to avoid getting into the parent role. Be very open & honest about the financial situation - what is coming in & going out each month, highlight the changes since she's turned 18 (losing Child Benefit etc). One thing my parents always used to say was along the lines of "We would love to be able to afford to support you financially more, but at this point in time we literally can't".

magentalady

These MMDs involving family are almost pointless because there are so many variables involved, and the only people who can really make a decision about your family are your family themselves.

I am pretty disgusted by all of the replies along the lines of 'kick the ungrateful brat out and teach her a lesson', especially when the original question stated that the parent didn't want to do that and asked for other suggestions for making ends meet and teaching the daughter about money. Many people are also assuming that the parent does all the cooking, cleaning, washing and so on. Why? Maybe the daughter does all of those things for her mum or dad! It's not uncommon.

As a hopefully more constructive suggestion than 'kick her out', perhaps you could ask her to contribute towards a specific thing that she uses a lot, such as the internet or TV package (if you have one)? My student sister lives with my Dad and they had a similar argument when she first moved in. She does almost all the chores around the house and the place would be a complete mess without him, and she resented being asked to contribute when he was getting a live-in housekeeper out of the arrangement. As a compromise, she now doesn't pay rent, but she pays for the internet and cable TV - something that she wanted, but that he uses all the time too.

Or, if you do still provide food for her, perhaps you could cut back on particular treat and ask her to start buying that if she wants it, e.g. she now provides the tea/coffee/biscuits from now on. Or how about asking her to cook (and pay for) one meal a week? Small steps, but they might help her to start budgeting while keeping the peace between you.

andalusi

Tell her that now you don´t get child allowance you have found a lodger for 100 week to compensate the loss, and that you need the room the following Monday. THEN FIND A LODGER UNTIL SHE SEES REASON