My daughter has been detained :( .........UPDATE!

daska

Please, if you can't find anyone else then take a friend with you. It's ever so much easier if you have another body next to yours.

Yes, there is a good chance they will attempt to put a lot of pressure on you, but you obviously have huge strength when you need it - look at how much effort you've put in to working out what's wrong for her and getting her diagnosed etc! Know what you're going to say before you go in and make it clear right at the beginning that you aren't even considering an overnight release until the rest of the support she, her siblings and you as a family NEED has been discussed and agreed. Then, if they don't agree to discuss it but want to talk about the overnight release, be very polite and say please could they contact you when they have assessed her properly and are ready to provide adequate support.

And if she does have to be forced to remain - sectioned - that might be the best thing for her. It certainly used to be that being sectioned provided the patient with more legal protection and placed more responsibilities on the institution, I don't know if that's still the case but if it is that may mean they have to take a more pro-active stance.

And remember, we're rooting for you.

Chakani

What Daska said. Plan some phrases that you can use... and repeat them if necessary, as many times as you need to. They probably will try to get her home - it's all about money.

In terms of her behaviour, it often does get worse after a big change. Don't let that panic you. Your daughter isn't having the effect on people that she's used to - the people around her may be caring towards her (they ought to be), but they don't love her, they are not exhausted, they can't be emotionally blackmailed by her like her family can, and there are enough of them that they can withstand any onslaught of ridiculous behaviour far better than just one or two carers can, because they just have to put up with it for a few hours and then it's someone else's turn, so it is much easier not to back down.

She shouldn't have unsupervised and unrestricted access to a phone (though she does have a right to a certain amount of privacy while making a call). It sounds like the staff need a good talking to and need to start working together a bit better to make sure messages are passed on and there is some consistency in her management by the staff - not just whoever is on the phone placating you and then forgetting about it. There will be lots of staff, depending on how many beds there are for young people, and they will be working at different times, so it does require someone to really sort out communication. Does she have a keyworker you can talk to?

teabag29

Ok ive just got off the phone to the childrens legal adice service. i gave a brief explanation of my problem and asked about y rights should they put pressure on me tomorrow (i.e. can I legally refuse to take her home). They told me that I should point out why I dont feel she is ready to come home (that she will be at risk to herself and the other kids and that she needs much more work doing yet before release is discussed). They said that if they are insistent that she is to come home I need to be saying to the social worker (who will be at the meeting) that a section 20 care order needs to be put in place so that she can be accomodated at another facility or somewhere suitable that can keep her safe! Thats made me feel a bit relieved that I have some power in the situation. I do have 1 one concern though.....when they ask me what support do I need before I will accept her home what do I say? im not sure what could help other than some respite so that I can recharge when things get tough and some help with getting her statemented to get her in the right school, is that a reasonable request and is there anything else I should be asking for? I know they will turn me down for respite, they have twice already but everyone needs a break, i'm only thinking 1 weekend every few months or something, is that unlikely to be granted?

Errata

I think a respite break of one weekend every few months will send a message to them that you can cope perfectly well with her outside of those periods. If that's not the case then you need to make that very plain.

teabag29

Sorry im not very good at all this and knowing what to say, No i cant cope with her behaviour but they arent likely to give more than 1 weekend every few months respite are they and anything is better than nothing. What do you suggest I should say (sorry not very good at putting things into words and being forthright) or shouldnt say?

londonsurrey

You want respite AND treatment.

It's about helping her towards the best future she can have, not about them begrudgingly giving you a day of respite and and ignoring her for the rest of the time until she's an adult, and then worrying about what to do with her then.

Whatever help school, social services, the medical lot have been giving her or not giving her, her problems are obviously getting more severe, so don't let them fob you off with just a day of babysitting every fortnight, and absolutely no treatment.

peachyprice

Start off by asking for more than you need, then hopefully you won't get less. Ask for every other weekend, if they say no, you can only have 1 in 4 you'll be better off, if you start off saying one every few months you'll end up with less than you need or nothing.

You also want a proper stragety put in place for her on-going care, you don't want them to send her home with nothing in place so she's forgotten again. You want a dedicated social worker and doctor taking responsibility for her care, you want procedures put in place so that you can get help for her quickly when she needs it and when you need it, you want support from her healthcare professionals in dealing with the school, or more preferably help getting her into a more appropriate school.

RAS

You want her statementing before she comes home???

daska

teabag29 wrote: »

Sorry im not very good at all this and knowing what to say, No i cant cope with her behaviour but they arent likely to give more than 1 weekend every few months respite are they and anything is better than nothing. What do you suggest I should say (sorry not very good at putting things into words and being forthright) or shouldnt say?

You are approaching this with entirely the wrong mindset. You shouldn't even begin to base your request on what you think they might want to provide. You must base it on what you NEED (both as a family and as individuals). You are entitled to a formal assessment. She needs one for her needs because she is disabled and you need on as a carer. SS are legally obliged to do this. But, as you've discovered, if you give an inch they'll stick on their 7 league boots and take a long leisurely stroll leaving you totally unsupported until you reach crisis point again... and again... and again... You need an objective head to help you with this, to compare your family with 'normal' and take a realistic look at where and how big the problems are.

I'm sure in previous threads you've been pointed towards ParentPartnership - did they not help with the application for assessment for a statement of SEN?! I suggest you order a copy of the SEN guidance (FREE) and a copy of Tania Tirraoro's Getting Started with Statements. Statementing can be a long process - probably 4 months at minimum and you need to understand the politics. Your other good resource is IPSEA. Use them!

Have you managed to find anyone to use as an advocate, google your local advocacy organisations and ring all the suggestions that have been made.

teabag29

thanks, i see what you're saying. To be honest its only this past week without her that ive remembered what normal is like, no arguing and swearing all the time, no picking on the siblimgs, no mess etc, ive had time to spend with my other kids and their behaviour has improved dramatically now they they are not being picked on or fighting for attention. Parent partnership have supported me but still got turned down for the statement, I am currently downloading the appeal forms as i only have 8 days left to appeal.

I have already had a carers assessments but was turned down for respite as funding is very tight and respite is very rare now apparently. They gave me the number for tap who are running a grdening club and may be able to assist with transport......not much use really.