My daughter has been detained :( .........UPDATE!

londonsurrey

Invest in a voice recorder:
http://www.argos.co.uk/m/static/Search/pp/20/q/VOICE+RECORDER/s/Promotions.htm

Press record every time she calls up.

Use it at next meetings.

Write an email/letter, copying in the various people discussed on this thread, use the posts where you've described your problems to us. Send send/post the letter.

londonsurrey

I know that you're inundated, and really sympathise, and know that it's really hard to take in stuff when you're under so much pressure.

The thing is, you need to face them with a major attitude change. You're TELLING them you're not taking her back, not protesting tearfully, and then waiting for them to say "Alright then, we see your point". They're never going to do that, not like that. They'll only try to take her in when things go dreadfully wrong with her in your care, and then will have the cheek to try to criticise you, and you'll get questions like "Well, why didn't you try to get help?" (cue AAAARGH *headbanging*)

This is why I want to reiterate what I said in post #43, which is to get an advocate. If you can't do this fierce job yourself, and bare your teeth to them, then an advocate will help remind you of your rights, help you with a script to say to them, etc. Basically, to give you support.

dancingfairy

Hi. I know you are having an awful time but you really are doing the right things. You need to log all those calls and keep a really detailed diary to demonstrate what's actually going on.
Can you find out what medicine the doctor recommends so youhave time to consider the decision?
Also I'd not want her home whilst under a new trial medicine, surely you want her home when she's at least got a diagnosis, intensive help and therapy and help for you and the rest of your family.
There is clearly something really wrong with her and she needs help, which she will eventually get if you keep on the right path. Hopefully you can get hold of her key worker tomorrow and explain that she says she's trashed the place etc and find out the truth.
Stay strong.
df
P.S You've tried and tried and tried your absolute best to get her the help and treatment she so desperately needs and to look after yourself and the rest of your family ,and well basically the system has failed you. It's ridiculous but this seems like the only way she is going to get the help she needs and frankly at the moment it seems like this is the best hope for her, but not only that for the rest of your family as well. Please keep that diary.
P.P.S Go in with a list of reasons why she is not safe to go home and the fact she hasn't had any treatment yet, no diagnosis, and is still allowed to make abusive phone calls etc etc. Also practice every excuse/reason given that they will make you take her back with a counter attack -ie 'she'll be fine we are giving her new medicine' with well great, let's give it some time and see how it works, I'm not putting myself and my other children through this mental torture again...' Be creative and be prepared to coutneract anything they come up with to send her home before she's actually ready. Obviously don't just say no to everything but be absolutely clearabout the minium help and support she needs putting in place before you will let her go home (and makesure it is all formally agreed in writing not just platitudes). You could really do with someone to come in to the meeting with you , to be on your side so keep trying to get some help from one of the charities that has been suggested already. Above all stay strong and remember why you are doing this.

daska

Stay strong teabag. Turn it back on them. You've tried fighting for her and she (as well as everyone else) has been let down by the school etc. Now it's time to fight for your other children. They need and deserve a chance at a normal life. IIRC your son's health isn't brilliant either, perhaps the stress of having her around is an aggravating factor? If you present your case as guarding your other children's wellbeing then there's no scope for them accusing you of any kind of self-interest.

If they tell you she can't stay there then tell them she can't come back until they can offer a personal, written guarantee that she won't be abusive towards her siblings. And if they can't then you will need them to take her siblings to protect them from her...

She's 13, yes? It's not going to get better unless they can find some way of modifying her behaviour, so for the sake of the other 3 you need to stand strong.

Have you tried ringing the police about the abusive phone calls. A call from them to the unit might be listened to. If not then ring your provider, tell them you're having a lot of abusive phone calls and urgently need to change your number. You can then provide this to people who 'need' to know.

teabag29

Thankyou ladies, really helps coming on here and getting advice. I know im quite emotional on here but when i go to the meetings i am not like that, i told them she was not coming home rather than asked them.

I agree I need an advocate but dont know who as the childrens commisioner person hasnt emailed me back.

Can i get a solicitor or is this not possible seen as there isnt a legal case so to speak? Not sure who else i can use really

Errata

I think it might help you to have a telephone conversation with the people at MIND. There is a special phoneline for parents with children with mental health problems. They may be able to help you track down a MH advocate.
http://www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/parent_helpline

teabag29

Thankyou will give them a ring

babyemily

I have only just seen this, Please dont think you are a bad mum at all. I have 2 with ASD and its a nightmare tbh:( They are some of the most challenging people in the world and will happily, it seems, push you to your very limits. You are not bad at all, you have reached the point where you will do anything to retain your sanity.

Firstly have you contacted Ipsea? If you havent please do this asap. They can be really difficult to get through to, but keep trying.

Are Snips involved? Have you contacted the EP yourself? If you are on fb there are lots of support groups on there. I only know the ones for the Northamptonshire area but there are local ones everywhere. Alot of professionals are on these groups and are fab at offering advice.

You need someone to be on your side so to speak. Is there anyone at all who can go with you? If you have one your Snips advisor should go and be on your side.

If you need to start shouting for help re: your other children. I know it seems wrong but their mental and physical wellbeing is just as important.

Contact your GP. Get their support.

Finally, be kind to yourself. I am sending you lots of virtual hugs and wish you all the love & luck in the world x

teabag29

Just had a look on net and found these, do you think they could offer me an advocat http://www.rethink.org/how_we_can_help/our_services/advocacy.html

whitewing

teabag, I'd ask anyone and everyone. I got a mental health advocate for me earlier this year when I wanted to look to change my key worker, and it really helped. Mine was through a leaflet I picked up at the mh unit. I only saw/spoke to her 2 or 3 times but it was enough to get changes without the situation escalating out of control.

I think you are doing the right thing by looking out for your other 3 children and yourself. Agree with what Jojo says. I think in the long term it will help a better relationship with your DD and your others too, because they have the physical and mental space to understand that she has her own particular needs that need to be supported.