Husband Wants Nothing to do with Our 8 Day Old Baby

lilibet1

How are you OP?

I feel so strongly that you need support and I am concerned for you? Do you have a mother yourself or sister etc etc. Very disappointed in your husband. Personally, I think he needs to pull his socks up. If he is working etc then im sure he can cope with what youre going through. Would he speak to his boss, colleagues etc and upset them the way he is upsetting you? Disgraceful behaviour. You need him to support you as im sure you have him in the past.

Im sure that every mother here can hand on heart remember those first few weeks/months. It is hard work but mentally too. I wish we knew where you lived, maybe someone here could help?

Sending you lots of love xxx

lilibet1

finally, one thing that i feel very passionate about is making sure that mums and young babies are well looked after in the first few weeks/months. If this stage is not done properly, it can cause problems down the line xx

mikey72

daska wrote: »

Except that ME isn't a mental illness, it just affects it. It often brings on severe depression - as do many long term illnesses for that matter.

My apolgies if I phrased it badly.
I meant it has characteristic symptoms which do affect behaviour, and give the appearance of anything from Alzheimer's, give severe mood swings, and clumsiness to name a few.
I guess I'm just frustrated at the posters who dismiss them out of hand, and feel he can just snap out of it.
I am also frustrated there appears to be medical cure either.
It was a very uphill struggle for our friend, as she met that atttitude constantly, and it took a lot of support before it was recognised she had it, and could finally retire due to ill health with her pension.

Fire_Fox

poet123 wrote: »

My point was that if he was as bad as the people you mention he would not be able to hold down that job. I am not disbelieving the condition can be very severe, which was why I said there were degrees of it, but don't let what I actually wrote get in the way of a rant.;)

And my point was you don't have a clue and you don't even try to have a clue. As far as we know he appears to have been holding down a job and holding himself together prior to the stressful and exhausting events of the last two weeks. Maybe he is now being an @rse, maybe he is now really suffering with his ME or related health issues.

You asked "How does he hold down a job if he is so seriously ill? How does he interact with colleagues as they are unlikely to be as forgiving as the OP if he is rude and insensitive." Were your questions rhetorical or did you actually want to learn and understand?

As I asked "Are your energy levels and consciousness exactly the same 24/7 365 days a year? Have you never come home from a long day at work/ an evening out/ strenuous physical activity and practically passed out? Haven't you ever been so exhausted you can't think, you burst into tears at a totally inappropriate moment, you've lost it with a loved one? Did you read the OP where it explained the events of the past couple of weeks? He was holding down a job BEFORE those events, so?"

I'm glad you and your Stepford wife friends don't have to experience serious disorders of mental health, abortions, ME or just plain not cope, but that doesn't mean everyone else is faking it or exaggerating.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

daska wrote: »

I did.


And I left. Or on a few occasions was removed from the house for my own good


And then I went back when I'd had sufficient rest that the world started making sense again.


And I repeated the above several times, often being completely unaware of what was happening until I woke up and found I was at my parents.

So somebody noticed you had symptoms of psychosis. That's different - you did not have control or awareness. He hasn't had to be removed for his own safety. And I hope he doesn't have to be removed for the baby's.



I'm not even going to take offence at the next poster's comments as, if they've had mental health issues, the poor dear doesn't know what he's saying.






*******Which is, of course, a very insulting comment - as it suggests they aren't responsible for what they do.*********

It is also not what I think - a history of, or current psychological or psychiatric illness doesn't mean anything of the kind. And to claim that, outside a period of psychosis, a person with mental health issues cannot be held responsible for their actions - or that they have carte blanche to do exactly as they please, because they have an illness - that's just as insulting and perpetuates the stereotypes in society that make the person with MH difficulties less equal than others.

mikey72

Of course his colleagues will be as forgiving.

We had a colleague with diabetes.
What you suddenly find, is when the go low, they exhibit very aggressive drunk like symptoms.
So did he get sacked for starting a fight when we tried to give him sugar?
No, we just literally piled on, and force fed him, and he did get in a few good punches.
He was ill.
And this was in an office.

Welshwoofs

I'm another who had ME (I say 'had'...but it doesn't ever seem to go away, it just seems to retreat, leaving you fairly normal if you manage it well) and I have to say that a lot of the postings on here definitely demonstrate a lack of understand of it. I managed to hold down a pretty high powered job for 6 months with ME before throwing in the towel...and I remember the precise moment I did which was halfway across Blackfriars Bridge on my way to work when I realised I couldn't walk any further because I had no idea if the ground was flat beneath me...it felt like walking through a funfair's crazy house with the moving floors....only with 5ft of wet sand piled on top. I was off work a year and it was only the care of a private specialist and copious intramuscular injections of Magnesium and B12 that got me on an even keel again.

Firstly, sleep is massively important to an ME sufferer and it's not just about 'feelnig tired'. In fact the ME sufferer doesn't reach the level of sleep needed to repair their bodies on a cellular level very often, meaning that if disturbed sleep goes on they get increasing muscular pains and the wear and tear we all put our bodies through on a daily basis fails to get repaired (and that is the point of sleep...to repair).

Apart from the pain (and I've also had flu and believe you me...there's no comparison. Flu was a walk in the bloody park), there's also disequilibrium, light sensitivity, extreme fatigue, cognitive impairment, depression and whole host of other goodies. At my worst I couldn't walk the length of a room, couldn't handle sunlight, could barely talk to anyone without either snapping or crying and in general I wanted to be dead. There was no way I could have looked after or shown an iota of concern for anyone else....because it was all I could do to function myself.

So...if this chap has ME? Forget him parenting until he's managing it well because it's just not going to happen. Yes, he may be saying some rash things right now but it could be down to any number of reasons - from frustration (lashing out), to wanting to drive his other half/baby away because he's depressed to simply not thinking straight.

What I would say though is that ME obviously doesn't excuse someone being a !!!!...so if this guy has always had a history of selfishness...why the ruddy hell did the Op go through IVF to have a child with him??? Did she think that a baby somehow fundamentally changes a person's character?

daska

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

So somebody noticed you had symptoms of psychosis. That's different - you did not have control or awareness. He hasn't had to be removed for his own safety. And I hope he doesn't have to be removed for the baby's.



I'm not even going to take offence at the next poster's comments as, if they've had mental health issues, the poor dear doesn't know what he's saying.






*******Which is, of course, a very insulting comment - as it suggests they aren't responsible for what they do.*********

It is also not what I think - a history of, or current psychological or psychiatric illness doesn't mean anything of the kind. And to claim that, outside a period of psychosis, a person with mental health issues cannot be held responsible for their actions - or that they have carte blanche to do exactly as they please, because they have an illness - that's just as insulting and perpetuates the stereotypes in society that make the person with MH difficulties less equal than others.

But of course that's not what I'm saying either. In my personal experience, and that of others I've spoken with, at times of extreme stress ME aggravates and distorts things so I barely know whether I'm coming or going (or more likely falling on the floor) and have little or no awareness of what I'm doing. Conversely I can be at the point of collapse, or have collapsed and be aware of what is going on around me. My carers know that the time they have to watch out most for me is when I'm tired as my cognitive abilities disappear and I hallucinate (all 5 senses) etc. I'm usually extremely risk aware and refuse to do things when I believe it's dangerous, but my jaw drops sometimes when I'm told what's happened during these times. It's really not as simple as "I'm tired therefore I can behave as I please" any more than the solution is a sharp word or telling someone to pull their socks up. I'm not trying to say he has no responsibility for what he says, only that it magnifies the worst aspects because it's so difficult to actually keep track of what you're doing/ saying/ the effect it's having.

daska

Welshwoofs wrote: »

I'm another who had ME (I say 'had'...but it doesn't ever seem to go away, it just seems to retreat, leaving you fairly normal if you manage it well) and I have to say that a lot of the postings on here definitely demonstrate a lack of understand of it. I managed to hold down a pretty high powered job for 6 months with ME before throwing in the towel...and I remember the precise moment I did which was halfway across Blackfriars Bridge on my way to work when I realised I couldn't walk any further because I had no idea if the ground was flat beneath me...it felt like walking through a funfair's crazy house with the moving floors....only with 5ft of wet sand piled on top. I was off work a year and it was only the care of a private specialist and copious intramuscular injections of Magnesium and B12 that got me on an even keel again.

Firstly, sleep is massively important to an ME sufferer and it's not just about 'feelnig tired'. In fact the ME sufferer doesn't reach the level of sleep needed to repair their bodies on a cellular level very often, meaning that if disturbed sleep goes on they get increasing muscular pains and the wear and tear we all put our bodies through on a daily basis fails to get repaired (and that is the point of sleep...to repair).

Apart from the pain (and I've also had flu and believe you me...there's no comparison. Flu was a walk in the bloody park), there's also disequilibrium, light sensitivity, extreme fatigue, cognitive impairment, depression and whole host of other goodies. At my worst I couldn't walk the length of a room, couldn't handle sunlight, could barely talk to anyone without either snapping or crying and in general I wanted to be dead. There was no way I could have looked after or shown an iota of concern for anyone else....because it was all I could do to function myself.

So...if this chap has ME? Forget him parenting until he's managing it well because it's just not going to happen. Yes, he may be saying some rash things right now but it could be down to any number of reasons - from frustration (lashing out), to wanting to drive his other half/baby away because he's depressed to simply not thinking straight.

What I would say though is that ME obviously doesn't excuse someone being a !!!!...so if this guy has always had a history of selfishness...why the ruddy hell did the Op go through IVF to have a child with him??? Did she think that a baby somehow fundamentally changes a person's character?

Thank you, you put what I've been trying to say so much better. :T

If he was a selfish, moody git before he had ME then he's going to be a whole lot worse with it!

mikey72

poet123 wrote: »

Yes, maybe he is, and maybe he isn't. You have set yourself up as an authority on this person without, it seems, reading the OP in detail. His wife, note his wife, seems to have her doubts that his behaviour falls into the latter category, you on the other hand see to know better. According to other posters this is not the first time he has behaved badly as apparently other threads will testify.



No, they weren't rhetorical, but nor would they be satisfied or answered by sweeping generalisations (which seem to be yiour forte) If the OP would care to answer that would be the way forward. Your answers don't particularly interest me, as they would simply be your opinions not answers. You do know that?



Yes, I have been all of those things, but I have never been so cruel to the people I put above all others and made remarks such as the OP made. There are boundaries and saying what the husband did here and in the circumstances, is beyond the pale, illness or not.



You know nothing about me or my life or how MH or any of the other issues feature in it, which fyi they do, heavily.

As for Stepford Wives, (which, if you really knew me would be laughable in the extreme) better that than a self absorbed, self centred, opinionated loner, which is how you come across.

You do seem to have a problem with comprehension. I have never said that anyone is faking or exaggerating the symptoms of ME. I have said there are degrees of the illness, which there are.

Regardless of how much he can physically do, and I understand that may not be much, he can and should, reign in his emotional abuse of a newly delivered wife. As other posters have said, illness of any kind is hard, but in extremis most people think of their loved ones and spare their feelings if possible. He needs to start doing this illness or no illness.

You are very uncivil, is this normal for you?