Nature or nurture

busiscoming2

Definitely it is Nature and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

My DS1 is gay. I have two other children one a boy and a girl, both are straight. All three have been brought up the same way with both male and female role models.

My elder two's father sounds the same as your son's father. He was homophobic. We split when my DD was 8 and DS1 was 5.
DS1 liked to dress up and have his nails painted along with his sister. My ex decided we had to have a meeting. It transpired he thought I would turn our son gay and he would never forgive me. He told me to stop letting him do the 'girly' things he liked to do. I took no notice of him I can tell you.

So what if your son is gay, take no notice of the ignorant people around who think it is a choice or that circumstance turns them.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

My, oh, my. What a scumbag. That really is stupidity to the point of malice.


Ignore him. If, when you have a home with your new partner as well, your son starts to develop interests that aren't so upsetting to the manchild stamping his foot down the road, then that's up to your son.

If, however, he still enjoys the same things, then that's fine as well.



If it's any help, I spend a lot of time round guys that would probably have met your ex's criteria of being 'probably gay' as little boys. They're musicians. Most are straight and more than happy with their sex lives, as being non threatening, kind and able to appreciate things such as something a girl has made, art, theatre, drama, simply means that they get more girls than the socially !!!!!! gibbons like your ex.



My boyfriend changed over the years from a defensive, anxious person frightened that people would think him gay (home environment and all boys' school had a lot of homophobia), to someone comfortable with the fact that he hates football, motor racing, is gentle and softly spoken, can cook, clean, make things, play music and have an interest (although not the final deciding vote! ) in interior design and decor.


It actually made more of a difference to him to be around other men that didn't have those issues about themselves - he realised they were comfortable in themselves, that they had no problems with being less stereotypically feminine or with the girls they met.



There is a point to my post, I'm just trying to find it


There are plenty of men who liked the same sort of things as children. Some were frightened of what it could mean or embarrassed by it due to pillocks like your ex. They spent a lot more time being unhappy. And some felt secure because their parents/stepparents loved and respected them, encouraged them to do what made them happy and were free to work out their own identity earlier.


If you and your partner love your son for who he is, then everything else just pales into insignificance, as he'll have the most wonderful secure upbringing a child could have.

And for that, you should be proud of yourself.

puppypants

Reading your original post could have been describing my middle child. He was bullied mercilessly at school because he was "different" from the other boys. No interest in football or tractors etc. He was called gay at school, and it broke my heart when he came to me one day and asked me what 'gay' meant, this was at about age 8/9.

Fast forward, my son is now 35 and has a beautiful wife and is a caring, thoughtful man, liked by everyone who meets him.

My daughter was 'lad mad' when she was younger. Has a couple of long relationships and was married for 12 years. She now lives with a woman and is the happiest I have ever seen her.

SUESMITH_2

if he's straight he's straight and if he's gay he's gay. the only person who has a problem with this is his dad and he seems like a total moron.

it is definitely nature, my gay friends have said that from a very young age they knew.

he sounds a lovely boy, someone any mum or dad would be proud of.

NewKittenHelp

mazza111 wrote: »

I would like grandchildren one day I don't think my dd will give me any given her disabilities. Selfish perhaps, but hey ho, I'm not going to hide it. I wouldn't like for any of my children to be gay, ofc if they were then I'd love them all the same. So yes, some of us did worry about it. I think it's hard enough for children growing up in this cruel world without them having differences that make them easy targets.

And yes, although my son liked dressing up, he was also obsessed with ogling on the beach, even as a toddler... Yum Lunch!!!!

Gay people have children too. We're gay, not infertile.;)

Hermia

SUESMITH wrote: »

if he's straight he's straight and if he's gay he's gay. the only person who has a problem with this is his dad and he seems like a total moron.

If he is gay his dad could change though. Some parents do change when it is their own child. A friend of mine had a LOT of problems with his dad when he first came out. His dad didn't even speak to him for a long, long time. But, he had a civil partnership ceremony recently and his dad was there in his best suit and even helped pay for the reception.

SUESMITH_2

Hermia wrote: »

If he is gay his dad could change though. Some parents do change when it is their own child. A friend of mine had a LOT of problems with his dad when he first came out. His dad didn't even speak to him for a long, long time. But, he had a civil partnership ceremony recently and his dad was there in his best suit and even helped pay for the reception.

i agree, most of my friends have no probs now although it was difficult at the time. I think you just have to remember that they are your child and whatever orientation they are they are still the same person

lostinrates

Hermia wrote: »

If he is gay his dad could change though. Some parents do change when it is their own child. A friend of mine had a LOT of problems with his dad when he first came out. His dad didn't even speak to him for a long, long time. But, he had a civil partnership ceremony recently and his dad was there in his best suit and even helped pay for the reception.

A friend of dh's has hidden his sexual orientation for almost twenty years from his father though his sibling and mother knew. He moved continents to conceal it. Recently when visiting hom he left face book open where it declared who he was in a relationship with, the father shrugged and was not surprised. Said to his son its 'not what he would have chosen' but he wasn't his son. He has been openly homophobic beforw, but things change, times change, people get dragged forward, when its their child many people i guess soften. Hopefully next time he visits home he will take boyfriend too. .

mazza111

NewKittenHelp wrote: »

Gay people have children too. We're gay, not infertile.;)

Err - They may be his or his partners but they wouldn't be theirs paternally iykwim. Hey, I'm all for live and let live. And if that's what you are so be it I'm not gonna criticise you or have a go at you, it's your life, live it as you mean to and be happy. That's all of us can do.

I guess I'm getting the couple of quotes because I've said I worried he was gay. I don't think there are many parents who would jump for joy if their child announced they were gay/bi whatever. As I've said before, I'd just rather he was straig
ht. Don't get me wrong, I'd love him just as much and would support him, but I would still be shocked. And probably a bit disappointed. Here we go for round 2, cos as a parent I'd be disappointed.

robpw2

mazza111 wrote: »

Err - They may be his or his partners but they wouldn't be theirs paternally iykwim. Hey, I'm all for live and let live. And if that's what you are so be it I'm not gonna criticise you or have a go at you, it's your life, live it as you mean to and be happy. That's all of us can do.

I guess I'm getting the couple of quotes because I've said I worried he was gay. I don't think there are many parents who would jump for joy if their child announced they were gay/bi whatever. As I've said before, I'd just rather he was straig
ht. Don't get me wrong, I'd love him just as much and would support him, but I would still be shocked. And probably a bit disappointed. Here we go for round 2, cos as a parent I'd be disappointed.

why would you be disapointed. If your child turns out to be gay and tells you then you shouldnt be disappoitned there is nothing to be dissppointed for you , you should be proud that they are mature enought to feel they can confide in you their sexuality and that they are being true to themselves .

and as for kids they would be very much theirs as any other couple who adopt/ have ivf or use a surrogate