Nature or nurture

lauroar

Oh blinking heck, how many boys are raised with an absent father these days (unfortunately)? The insinuation that being in the company of females can 'make' someone gay boggles my mind. And as for liking 'girly' stuff as opposed to 'manly' stuff, it makes me mad that most toys aimed towards girls are pink and sparkly and toys for boys tend to be action dominated. There is no reason why every girl would want to play with a doll and every boy a car. I don't even have kids yet but this does annoy me.

Let your little boy be who he wants to be and ignore his Dad. Oh and btw I think homophobic is actually an accurate description, many men who have such strong feeling against gay people are scared of the fact that they actually get turned on by men sometimes (not saying these men are gay but I think sexuality is a spectrum that many people fall somewhere towards the middle of rather than the outer edges).

It sounds like you're doing a great job and are raising a little star.

skipsmum

My BiL is gay. He can't cook, doesn't clean, plays 5 a side football every week, and plays call of duty the rest of the time.
His brother (my DH) is not gay. He can't cook, doesn't clean, hates football but likes karate, and plays call of duty the rest of the time.

They grew up in the same house, same parents, very homophobic father.
I think you are doing fine, your boy will be what he wants to be when he is older and it comes from within.

Birdie85

Your ex is an idiot. I, like the other posters, believe that if you're gay, you're born that way. If your son did happen to be gay, you didn't make him that way, but you will find that you've brought him up in a loving, accepting household without set gender stereotypes so he feels comfortable about who he is.

My DH did a lot of 'girly' stuff when he was young (total Mummy's boy, still is! ) but he grew up to love sports and games and all things 'manly' too. He has no shame in admitting that as a little boy he'd quite happily knit, bake and draw all day long, it makes for a well rounded person IMO - I can't complain when I come home to find that he's baked treats for me! Why is it that if girls like to play with cars and refuse to wear dresses they're called tomboys but generally left alone (i.e. no panicking that they'll turn out to be lesbians) but if boys prefer more sedate stereotypically girly activities then they're labelled as gay from early on? Seems unfair to me.

Sounds like your little man is lovely and it's nice that he has a lot of interests, encourage them all, no matter what his Dad thinks! They're only young for such a short time, seems a shame to cast any clouds over it. And try not to let him get bogged down in awful adult worries about money etc... he's got the rest of his life for that crap, his biggest worry right now should be if he wants to become an Olympian or an engineer!

samtoby

Part of me does think maybe his dad is scared of gay people. At teh end of the day I am glad to know people do think its nature not nurture. It makes me feel that what ever is Dad says just makes him look silly; at the end of the day if he had spent more time doing things with him then he may have influnced a different preferance to things....ie.....if he had taken him on lots of adventure days out maybe he would have liked that.

I do not feel not I can be critised for what I have not done. I have done my best and have taught our son the morals which have kept me grounded and positive and yes I have made mistakes but I hope our son learns from the ones I have made (getting in debt) and knows how hard it has been for me to have a positive balance instead of a negative!x

MissGolightly

I think that it's a combination of both, I believe quite a lot of our personalities are just bound to be, but I'm not sure if it's because of who our parents are in those early years, or the genes they have given us, iyswim? I think the things we like to do i.e. your son preferring less "boyish" are partially what stimulates your mind, and then partially how much fun you have doing it, your son likes doing the same things as you because he likes spending time with you, maybe he wasn't into football because he didn't know anyone and wasn't really sure how he would fit in, so just felt easier leaving it.

Gender and sexuality are two different things, and I personally think at 8 years old his sexuality hasn't been set in stone anyway. I suppose there comes some point in your mid-late teens where you realise what floats your boat, not when you're still a child!

Your ex is very immature, and if he continues to enforce to your son that what he likes is not normal and he's not like other boys, I do believe it is possible he could affect your son's sexuality in a way, as your son may have in the back of his mind that he isn't like other boys, he's "different" and he may convince himself it is boys he likes, because his dad says he's a girl. Of course that would depend on how confident your son is in himself, and how much he would let outside influences affect him.

But that's just my opinion

robpw2

i know men who have always been very "manly" and been into football, and been very butch who are also gay
i also now me and i was a little sensitive , i did dress up in girls clothing once or twice it was a dorothy dress , i had a mum and a dad (althought he never really got me ) and im gay , my brothers and sister had the same mum and dad and they are not gay .

so don't worry about it , if your son is gay its through no fault of yours

GraceJamesMum

lostinrates wrote: »

It was your reference to the sewing machine that made me reply. My husband sewed me a christmas stocking after i made him one the year before. He also picked up knitting really easily from my mother ( i am too tense and just end up with a tight taught knot. He has lots of female friends and is quite quiet and gentle. He is also as straight as they come and his 'sensitivity' and charm make him extremely attractive to many women. He was never going to be single and like your son OP, is helpful around the place and is pretty much the perfect husband.

Your son may be gay, or he may be straight, nothing you have said leads to any conclusion.

Most important is that he is happy, fulfilled and feels loved.

Exactly this!! My ex used to have a real go at me about our DS - he had very little contact with ex's side of the family when he was small and he was the only boy on my side (apart from grandad!) - so he spent a lot of time with me, grandma, auntie and female cousins. He used to, apparently, spend too much time doing girly things and shouldn't even TOUCH a doll.

I just ignored my ex - as long as my DS is happy - I don't care whether he is gay/straight or asexual!

Move on a few years and, yes, he is quiet and sensitive, but he is also into 'blokey' things - cars, aeroplanes, etc ....

Being sensitive and understanding women is very important to every man ... he will have a field day when he is older!!

Cat501

MissGolightly wrote: »

I think that it's a combination of both

It really, really isn't.

Gender and sexuality are two different things

Yes

I do believe it is possible he could affect your son's sexuality in a way, as your son may have in the back of his mind that he isn't like other boys, he's "different" and he may convince himself it is boys he likes
Attempting to convince himself is one thing - nothing his father or anyone else could do or say will change who he is.

OP, your ex is a homophobic idiot:mad: That means that should your son happen to be gay (and I agree with others that NOTHING has been said which could lead anyone to hazard a guess either way) you will have to work extra-hard to prove your unconditional acceptance of him.

For the record, my DD1 is bisexual but her longer, more serious relationships so far just happen to have been with girls. 18 months ago her GF died suddenly. I can barely begin to imagine how awful this has been for her - the only thing I'm thankful for is that she was able to be open and they could enjoy their very loving relationship in the short time they had without having to hide from anyone. Life really IS too short. And her father - NRP - who is very "blokey" - was as devastated and supportive as everyone else, more than I ever would have thought.

*max*

I'm a little uneasy about those saying "...and he's now a strapping young lad"...as if this would automatically preclude homosexuality.
There's still a widespread view that all gay guys are meant to act in a "feminine" way and look somehow more fragile.

I think this comes partly from the fact homosexuality was such a tabboo for so long that those who "came out" tended to put on an act, exaggerating the traits they were meant to have as a form of unconscious rebellion, and it stuck. A form of self-fulfilling prophecy, if you will. This is my take on it anyway. Now that homosexuality is finally becoming largely socially acceptable and "mainstream", there is much less need for a dramatic coming-out and people from all walks of life who were too afraid to be who they were are now free to do so.

Anyway, regarding the OP's post, I think your son sound like a caring and sensitive boy. Nobody knows who he'll turn out to be.
The only way his upbringing will influence his sexuality is in giving him the chance to be himself or in making him repressed and unhappy, should he be gay - it will not change who he is. His father seems stuck in a prejudiced mentality, and that's what may have an effect on your son.

He has to realise you can't make someone not be gay, the same way you can't make someone not be straight. The only influence his attitude will have is a negative one. Unfortunately, his views won't be easy to alter, it's something he needs to work on himself and he has to want to.
The only thing you can do is continue to nurture your son's character and abilities as you are doing, and hope his father's prejudiced views won't deny him the chance of being himself, whoever that may be.

scooby088

Firstly there is nothing wrong with being gay!! I think it's nature like every chance I got as a child I stripped naked and flaunted everything, I used to play with my sisters dolls does that make me gay? No. You BF is probably right with your son having you and your mother has his role models. Children grow out of things I grew out of playing with dolls and stripping naked at every chance.