Nature or nurture

NewKittenHelp

lazer wrote: »

They can't have children naturally obviously, and I don't believe they would be willing to jump through the hoops required to allow them to adopt or go through IVF etc.

By 'they' do you mean your brother, or do you mean all gay people? I suspect the latter given it was your reasoning for being disappointed if your child was gay, but I'd like to be sure.

lazer

NewKittenHelp wrote: »

By 'they' do you mean your brother, or do you mean all gay people? I suspect the latter given it was your reasoning for being disappointed if your child was gay, but I'd like to be sure.

I mean my brother as that was the question asked.

Although a number of people would be the same if they could not concieve a child naturally. The likliehood of having children is much lower if you are gay, especially in NI, where adoption is only possible by hetrosexual married couples

robpw2

lazer wrote: »

I would also be disappointed if my son or daughter turned out to be gay for 2 reasons

1) There is still discrimination in the world and life will be harder for them if they are gay, and any parent wants their childs life to be as easy as possible

2) Grandchildren

I do not have children yet but my brother is gay, and I am happy that he is in a happy loving relationship with his boyfriend, but he is my only brother and when I hear my friends discuss their nieces and nephews it does niggle at me that I will never have any nieces or nephews and my children won't have cousins etc (obviously depending on their fathers siblings too though).
I would be disappointed if he wasn't gay, was married and was infertile also though.

Anyone that thinks discrimination for gays is in the past is unfortunately mistaken it is still ongoing, which makes life difficult for many gays, and no one wants life to be any more difficult than it needs to be for their family!

your right discrimination is still ongoing and your post is full of it.
1. discrimination is wrong and your post about you would be dissapointed if your child was gay because of the hardship they might face ... would in turn hurt your child imagine knowing your parents were disapointed in the fact that you were gay ... you cannot change the fact your gay but you will always have that niggling thought in your head that your parents would rather you were something other then who you were .
2. grandchildren ... its my choice not to have children and thats nothing to do with the fact im gay but if i wanted children i could adopt, i could find a surrogate.,.

mazza111

NewKittenHelp wrote: »

I think this says an awful lot more about you than anyone else. I think you should read this.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/Amelia/when-your-7-year-old-son-announces-im-gay_b_1277910.html

I've heard a lot of parents who use your argument, that they don't want their children to be gay because it's 'just so hard for gay people'. But here's what they don't get - they contribute to making it 'just so hard'.

You've likened being gay to being a murderer, and you're using pejorative terms like 'fault' - those aren't the thoughts, the words of someone who isn't homophobic, those are the thoughts and words of someone who sees gay people as less than.

JFTR - I used FAULT because that's what the OP is about. The mother going to be blamed if the son is gay.

I have not likened being gay to being a murderer, it's just another thing that would disappoint me, just like my daughter not going to give me grandchildren because of her disability, please read it in the context it was meant. But hey ho, life is full of disappointments. How would my son ever know I'd be disappointed? I certainly wouldn't tell him. Please tell me how I'm making it hard for him? My son knows he can come to me and tell me anything, I will not judge, I will perhaps lecture (especially with the pregnancy test thing which I still believe was the right thing to do, talk to both of them!). But would I make that choice to have a gay son instead of a straight son? I'm afraid not. Again, if this is what he is, I'd love him and support him just the same. After all it's his life, not mine.


Lazer I'm glad you can see where I'm coming from.

What more can a mother do other than hide her disappointment and support their son when the son comes out?

Judith_W

Funnily enough you could actually 'blame' the ex if he turned out gay - not that you would want to of course!!!! It is likely to be down to the lack of time he spends with his DS that has resulted in him picking up your habits/interests rather than those of the ex. Ironic!

fredtheguava

When I came out to her, my mum actually said the whole 'I'm disappointed' and it has continued to come up in the ten years since.

She tried to cover it up with 'your life will be so hard' and all the things that the poster above has been saying. The only thing that I actually find hard about being gay is that my mum feels that way. Maybe I'm a lucky minority, but I don't think my life has been any harder for being gay than it would have been were I not.

I grew up in a normal south eastern town, and I now live in a very liberal city. I look 'gay' and I work with teenagers. They couldn't care less. They like me for who I am and for my skill as a teacher. My sexuality doesn't come into it.

I have good friends and have had good relationships with wonderful people. The ONLY thing that is 'hard' about my life is that I struggle with the fact that my mum is so very disappointed that I'm not 'normal'.

I sincerely hope that the poster up there doesn't have a gay son, because whether you think you're in control of your emotion or not, he WILL know how you feel. In a way I hope she does, because then she'll have to face her feelings of (and I do believe that is) homophobia.

I am who I am. I always have been becoming who I am right now. I'm gay because I'm gay, nobody 'turned' me this way.

OP - your son sounds like a fantastic young man, and I hope he always feels safe enough to be who he is. You must have shown him some incredible love for him to feel able to express these things with you. You should be very, very proud of yourself for that, it's priceless.

lazer

robpw2 wrote: »

your right discrimination is still ongoing and your post is full of it.
1. discrimination is wrong and your post about you would be dissapointed if your child was gay because of the hardship they might face ... would in turn hurt your child imagine knowing your parents were disapointed in the fact that you were gay ... you cannot change the fact your gay but you will always have that niggling thought in your head that your parents would rather you were something other then who you were .
2. grandchildren ... its my choice not to have children and thats nothing to do with the fact im gay but if i wanted children i could adopt, i could find a surrogate.,.

I do not think it is discrimination to say you would prefer your child not to be gay becasue it is a harder life for them. It would not change my love for my child, it would not change how I view them, they would have my full unconditional love and support at all times. I would obviously not let them know i was disappointed.
It is not discrimination to want your childs life to be as easy as possible. I would also be disappointed if my child was in a relationship with someone who I consider to be a chav, someone with no job prospects etc, or someone who already has children from a previous relationship, or I would be disappointed if they failed their GCSE's, A-Levels etc. All of these things would make their life more difficult, but again I would support my child whatever happens.

2 - As I have said it is not possible for gays to adopt in NI.

mazza111

I am not going to apologise for who or what I am. You may see it as homophobia, I certainly don't.

I have many good friends who are gay. And as strange as this may sound, I have a friend who was TS then gay and married a woman because legally she could(back in the day when same sex marriage wasn't allowed). I lived in Brighton for many years, and loved all the gay clubs, especially the Zanzibar. And it's not even the aspect of him being gay that would be disappointing to me. It's probably the fact that he's my last chance of having grandchildren (selfish, yes), although I'd certainly be disappointed if he had any right now. Does that make me anti straight relationship because I'd be disappointed that he had a child at his age?

I would never show disappointment to any of my children should they come to me and say they were gay. After all it's my disappointment not theirs.

robpw2

lazer wrote: »

I do not think it is discrimination to say you would prefer your child not to be gay becasue it is a harder life for them. It would not change my love for my child, it would not change how I view them, they would have my full unconditional love and support at all times. I would obviously not let them know i was disappointed.
It is not discrimination to want your childs life to be as easy as possible. I would also be disappointed if my child was in a relationship with someone who I consider to be a chav, someone with no job prospects etc, or someone who already has children from a previous relationship, or I would be disappointed if they failed their GCSE's, A-Levels etc. All of these things would make their life more difficult, but again I would support my child whatever happens.

.

but their is a huge difference between being disspointed over an act you have control over , GCSE, choice of partner and someothing you have no control over such as sexuality .
and you may believe you can hide your disappointment but trust me your child will know ,

mazza111

robpw2 wrote: »

but their is a huge difference between being disspointed over an act you have control over , GCSE, choice of partner and someothing you have no control over such as sexuality .
and you may believe you can hide your disappointment but trust me your child will know ,

But that doesn't stop us feeling it. How can we stop feeling something we feel? Please, I would dearly love not to feel that if my son should come to me. I've been totally honest here with all of you, it's my feelings. I would be proud of my son even if he was gay or even if he sprouted an extra head, I'd still be proud that he's grown up to be a fine young lad, but I would still have that disappointment in ME not in him.