DH wants to split bills now.

mikey72

pelirocco wrote: »

''The OP should be thankful '' ............sorry are we still living in the 1800's?

You think he should be away every weekend?
That's over the top for anyone.

madison-nyc

MrsNorthman wrote: »

He thinks I'm only bothered about money, I don't care about money, I'm going bankrupt as soon as I can raise the fees, money means nothing to me, as long as we can get the essentials that's all that matters, but he wants to have money spare every week, just incase. He doesn't like that I've been using a bit each week to start getting Xmas presents for the kids as its eating into the extra pennies, but he doesn't want me to not get them, I cant win.

DS will be going to nursery on Thursday but the hours are 8.30-11.30. Which doesn't leave me much time for work as I have to drop DD off at 9.
I have done English and maths courses last year through my sure start center, any other courses cost me money I don't have, I can't get help with these costs due to DHs income. I have been to my local council about help with training for work but the hours they offer training courses are the hours I have my son, we don't live local to family and don't have any good friends to look after DS during these times as we haven't lived here that long. I'm honestly not avoiding it, I have tried every path I could find, but until DS is in full time there's not a great deal I can do, even working nights will be awkward due to DHs hours. I'm not picky with a job, I'll do anything.

I have even considered asking DH to leave, we have had a few arguments lately, money and his drinking, he used to have 5-6 cans a night but we sorted that out. Him leaving wouldn't be an option now as he got my sister a house to rent through his boss and if I tell DH to leave he will take the house and leave my sister homeless. Not that I want us to separate, he's not always an idiot, it's just lately.

No he's never hit me, I wouldn't stand for that and have no problems standing up for myself.

I think the problem is he's jealous of what his friends have, one of them dumps the kids on grandparents every weekend and the other has nothing to do with his kids, he's not bothered about going out boozing it up, but when it comes to bikes, he has to be there, he was only going to go for today but because his friend was there telling him he should come the day before for a booze up too he just had to go, he's been saying all week that he wasnt even sure he was going to go for the day, then Friday night he come home and announced he's going Saturday aswell (he does this a lot).

Maybe he said he wants me to have nothing to do with his finances in the heat of the moment, but I'm following it through, I want him to realise just how easy he has it right now, he has never had to pay a bill in the last 10 years, I do everything, I set up his car insurance, pay his bills, the lot, I even have to fill in any job applications he brings home, well no more.

He's honestly not a horrible person all of the time, he's just become rather selfish in the last year.

How can you say you have no problems standing up for yourself when your letting him treat you this way?! your being a doormat by even considering agreeing to splitting the bills etc how he is proposing?!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

mikey72 wrote: »

I think it's clear the budget won't run to a bike, he's too busy paying the bills by the sound of it.

Do you know how much going to bike racing events cost?

At say, £30 for admission, £20 for camping, £50 for travel, £30 for food/beer, merchandise, etc, you're looking at a fair old bit for just two days. Do that three times in a season and that's a cheap holiday for the whole family gone down the pan.

Scorpio33

From what I can see, he wants to spend his money on himself primarily, and sod the consequences to the family.

Fair enough it is his money, so he should be spending it on what he wants. What I would question is when he then think a big spend on just himself is more important than something like a holiday for the family.

If the roles were reversed, I am sure you would be more than happy to spend money on the family over a spa weekend just for yourself.

He is being selfish and I would question if he wants to be in the relationship.

Don't get me started on how he says its up to him, as he made the life with you, so you are both equally responsible for the associated costs.

Maybe he should pay for all the childcare so he can go to work, whilst you can then do what you like? No? Thought not...

A relationship is all about give and take, and he needs to give a bit more and not resent the fact that you can't pay for many things (if anything).



Just out of interest, what made him change his behaviour?

thegirlintheattic

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

I am not singling out this poster but OP has been slated them JOINTLY spending £70 on a birthday present for their daughter but it's now healthy and acceptable for him to spend money for weekends away without his family.
Isn't that a wee bit hypocritical? OP has said he's not Interested in dealing with his debts (would rather have the spare cash) either and yet not a whistle about what he's spending.........

I was making my comments in response to the OP saying that the OH bonus money was split between the two of them and his half was used for the biking. If they are going to split 'spare' money between them rather than counting it towards jointly run up debts then that is for them to decide. If they decide to do that though, she cannot complain about what he spends his money on. It's not for us to say they should pay their debts if they do not want to, and lets be fair the OP wants to go bankrupt which isn't really the same as putting all spare money towards paying off the debts either.

The OP needs to sit down with her OH and budget properly. If she is using her 'spare' money to pay for lunches etc. then the budget was obviously one of those rent, bills, car ones rather than a full SOA. If a full SOA is done, then lunches, children's spending and a holiday savings pot should come out of pooled income first, then any spare split between the two of them or used to pay off debts. The OP may also need to speak to her OH about spending time away, for example if he has three weekends away, she gets three weekends away at some point, if that is how she wants to use her share.

mikey72

thegirlintheattic wrote: »

The OP may also need to speak to her OH about spending time away, for example if he has three weekends away, she gets three weekends away at some point, if that is how she wants to use her share.

I agree about the spare money. Depending what it's spent on.

So far it's only been one weekend though.

"1st time a day trip,
2nd a full weekend

and now an over night stay.

He got a bonus this week and we put all the money together, split in half, he took his for his trip"

It's the third trip the row is about.

(And maybe he disagrees about what the DD needs, not everyone on here has the same view as the op there, and some wouldn't agree to spend the joint fund on it)

thegirlintheattic

mikey72 wrote: »

I agree about the spare money. Depending what it's spent on.

So far it's only been one weekend though.

"1st time a day trip,
2nd a full weekend

and now an over night stay.

He got a bonus this week and we put all the money together, split in half, he took his for his trip"

It's the third trip the row is about.

(And maybe he disagrees about what the DD needs, not everyone on here has the same view as the op there, and some wouldn't agree to spend the joint fund on it)

I was just using three weekends away as an example, hence the for example before my comment, if you have a look at my previous post I already know what the OP has said about the time away.

fawd1

MrsNorthman wrote: »

The kids are 3 and 5, DS will start full time school next year .

Sorry if this has been answered before, but if the eldest is 5, shouldn't he already be in full time school? Or at least, couldn't he be? same re 3 year old. He/She is now entitled to their free 15 hours.

DevilsAdvocate1

fawd1 wrote: »

Sorry if this has been answered before, but if the eldest is 5, shouldn't he already be in full time school? Or at least, couldn't he be? same re 3 year old. He/She is now entitled to their free 15 hours.

There are not many jobs which are less than 15 hours a week with 13 weeks a year holiday. By the time you allow for dropping your child off and then being there to collect them, you are looking at around 12 hours.

minniemaus1970

Hello everyone,
we shouldn't judge or take sides, and it shouldn't be a 'vote' either on who is right! Men will aleays take HIS side, women will take HER side. And telling OP to leave cause it's abuse or he might have an Affair? Not very nice nore helpful!

there is always 2 sides to a story, but we only hear one......


OP - you're BOTH at at fault and both are right!

I find arguements are ALWAYS about control and who has it, who will get their way. He feels you're contolling and vice versa, and you re both frustrated.
Your problems arent money, their resentment.
your arguement-He gets to go out to work all day and go on biker weekends and stay out and you get lumbered with the kids and: why should you save? you're busy looking after the kids, it's too much debt anyways so may aswell live from week to week and manage.
His arguement-He gets to go work and earn NOTHING because it's goes into the communial pot, no matter how hard he works or what he earns, (even bonuses will never help or get a nest egg) he has to sacrifice every penny for the family (x-mas presents, tablet aso) and if he does go away he gets a hard time for not being with wife and kids, also he would like to have a nest-egg and do better for you and kids). How can you get a family holiday when you re not bothered about having any money at the end of the month !

These are age old arguements ( I had them myself at one point) and they happen in 99 percent of relationships where money is tight and the responsebility is on one parent. Put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel? You both need to work together on this.
You seem both to have forgotten that when u met your were 2 individual people, now morphed into one NTT. You re both Mr and Mrs, Mummy and Daddy, but you both also have to be who you used to be, there is nothing worse than the feeling of being lost. having control over some money is not neglect, it's actually good for your own well being managing some of your own finances, obviously there is joint bills and seperate money.
I think you should both sit down and calmly work out a realistic budget, your regular bills/expenditures, weekly shopping budget and see where and how you can cut back. Or find a way of making a little extra (ironing / cleaning service etc) so you can still get your 'treat' money to spend. You also need to learn that just because you spend money on the kids doesn't mean it's 'your sacrifice' it was your choice to sell goods and buy your daughter a tablet, or purchasing treats. There is a big difference between 'wants' and NEEDS. It's easy to buy things for the 'household' but do you really need them? I think by splitting your joint income he is trying to give you a better insight on how to manage your money by having a budget to live to.
Chances are you 2 will argue again, try to remember when arguing not to put BLAME on each other but try and tell him how it makes you feel ( so don't say :it's you're fault that we had no holiday cause you had time away- try and say : "it makes me sad/ angry/frustrated..... that ..........."
there is some great help on here with budgets and debts that will help you BOTH.

Also try the 'NO SPEND' Challenge on here, or see if you could get things that the household needs from freecycle for free, it's amazing what some people dispose of for free as long as someone is willing to collect
Ps: the MS-Oldstyle on here is a great forum with people that like to help budget and meal planning and saving the old style way. I managed to half my bills and foodbill (down to £40 a week now), therfore allowing holidays and treats for me and kids (single mum with 2 girls).
hope this helps
MM