Dilemma re Mum and niece

Mojisola

Tiglath wrote: »

She can't work a telly

Could she work one of these - https://www.rnib.org.uk/shop/Pages/ProductDetails.aspx?productID=dr0301

daska

Being unable to operate a TV or switch on the central heating are pretty serious limitations IMO. Going home may be the push she needs to start doing things but it may also be the start of a genuine decline... SO... I think you should get SS in to assess your mum's needs and yours as carers. SS should refer her to Occupational Therapy as well.

Sit down with your sister and list all the problems she has with various things prior to the assessment and insist on being there when SS talk with your mum. Make sure you correct things when your mum makes claims that aren't accurate. After the meeting put your views in writing.

SS will work out what support she needs and then try to get you to provide it all but TBH, from what you've written, it doesn't sound as if it's appropriate for either you or your sister to be taking on the level of care your mum needs. Your sister needs to put her daughter and her health and her marriage first and you already work very long hours.

SS are very skilled at persuading people to just do this and that until they find themselves utterly overwhelmed.You need to be absolutely clear where the limits are to what you're prepared to take on and stick to them.

Best of luck, I suspect the next few months are going to be tough.

Errata

She reckons she can't work a remote for the telly, but can drive? I think she's having you all on.

Tiglath

Well she's not driving at the moment, but again that could be manipulation to get my sister running her to the library etc. She can work her own central heating although can't do the timer (which is allegedly broken). We did get SS in earlier this year who said she could manage (she hated them so did pretty much everything for herself when they were there; she empties wee from the commode down the kitchen sink with bleach, and wraps poo in loo paper and a plastic bag and puts it in the outside bin). Physically she's in a better position than she was then - I'm sure a lot of this is in her mind, but that's not something to be dismissed. I'll talk to my sister about all this, but we've found SS to be pretty useless to be honest.

RAS

Tiglath

Have you read the narcissism thread here https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3574175

Tiglath

No but I suspect it'll make an interesting read this evening!

getmore4less

If she goes into hospital for anything, make sure don't agree to her returning to your homes.

Any sign of weaknes and they will try to offload her back on you.

daska

Tiglath wrote: »

Well she's not driving at the moment, but again that could be manipulation to get my sister running her to the library etc. She can work her own central heating although can't do the timer (which is allegedly broken). We did get SS in earlier this year who said she could manage (she hated them so did pretty much everything for herself when they were there; she empties wee from the commode down the kitchen sink with bleach, and wraps poo in loo paper and a plastic bag and puts it in the outside bin). Physically she's in a better position than she was then - I'm sure a lot of this is in her mind, but that's not something to be dismissed. I'll talk to my sister about all this, but we've found SS to be pretty useless to be honest.

Which is exactly why you need to get SS in to do another assessment. This way your mum has to admit she can do these things or insist that she can't. If she is narcissistic this won't suit her at all as she will then be lumbered with carers who won't be emotionally entangled with her, in which case she doesn't get pleasure from it, or doing it for herself.

Sometimes SS can appear useless when they aren't (though I will happily admit to experiencing plenty of uselessness from them LOL) but in this case I think their uselessness may be to your advantage.

Tiglath

DH just spoke to Mum; she's definitely going home in the New Year, isn't selling the house and is determined to make it as positive as possible. Thanked him for the offer of coming to live with us but she'd miss her day centre. Reckons that actually she'll be able to manage the stairs for the bathroom and bed (for the first time in a year), and there's always the commode downstairs if she's caught short. I'm guessing my sister mentioned I'd been in touch with Age UK, and she's gone into 'I can manage' mode, which is a good thing because her mental attitude sets her physical condition. At this stage she doesn't want any carers in, but that can be arranged in the future if necessary. I do know from experience that the more she does, the more she's capable of doing (at this stage, at least - she may have genuine physical problems as she gets older, and we can keep an eye on that). There may even be an element of showing off at the day centre as to what she can do now

I think it may have helped that on Sunday before my sister told her it was home time, we'd actually gone into Mum's to check her central heating still works, and she'd seen that the place is immaculate and warm - she hadn't set foot in it for 7 months but we've kept on top of dusting and cleaning. She's still going to come to us every other weekend, which is fine, so it sounds as if it's all sorted and she's made that mental leap back towards being independent. I expect my sister's very relieved, and I really hope my niece starts to get back to normal once Mum's at her home again. I'm definitely going to take up that RNIB remote - it's so simple I'm sure even Mum can cope with that. Looking back, things got really really bad when the dog was put to sleep - it had belonged to Auntie with Alzheimers (who also died in September) and eventually its bladder cancer got so bad, the vet said it was time. I suspect my sister might loan her her own dog for occasional company at the weekends.

So huge sighs of relief all round here, and we're planning what little adjustments need to be done to make it work. When her own mother was her age, Nan was out at 7am every morning scrubbing the front step. I'm also wondering if there's an element of seasonal affective disorder because this is the second autumn going into winter that things have got tough, but she's on mild antidepressants.