Dilemma re Mum and niece

Errata

Sorry to say, your mum sounds like a real treat! When she returns home she can apply for Attendance Allowance and use it to pay carers to help her do what she can't do for herself.
If she still wants to buy a retirement flat, it might be useful for you to check out what they cost to buy and run in terms of service charges and see if that stands up against any money she will be left with after the equity release people have taken their chunk.
If you ask her to live with you permanently - you're a saint.

Mojisola

Tiglath wrote: »

I think, all things considered, it would be better if she went to her own home longterm; we'd find a way of coping if she wanted to move here, but with both of us working fulltime and me especially doing 12-14 hour days a lot of the time, it would be very hard.

Errata wrote: »

If you ask her to live with you permanently - you're a saint.

Seriously, if you're working those hours, I would restrict the options to her home with professional carers or residential care.

You are only human and there's only so much you and your OH will be able to put up with.

meritaten

thanks for the update!
Glad to hear that you are getting on better with your niece!

I too suspect a personality disorder with your mum - she sounds just like my MIL! what I call a 'Victim or 'Poor me!' Narcissisist.
only way to deal with them is to 'take charge and dont give 'alternatives'!
I would talk to sis and discuss whether her home or 'A home' would be best - then give mum no options!
I do hope that things get better for all of you - including your mum!
best wishes
merit

LannieDuck

Thinking about it some more, I wonder if your Mum might be having some mental/age-related problems that she hasn't admitted to? If she's having trouble with her memory, she might be scared of going back to living on her own. And it might also explain why she doesn't want to move away from familiar surroundings.

Tiglath

It wouldn't surprise me - she gets names muddled sometimes (which she laughs about). She's recently been told she has a cataract beginning in one eye, and there's the existing prolapse, but as far as I'm aware there's nothing else wrong physically apart from slowing up with old age. She's always been a bit of a hypochondriac - a cold is always pneumonia, a headache is a brain tumour, you get the picture.

Tiglath

I think the penny's dropped. My sister texted to say Mum's accepted she's going home. She's now thinking of NOT selling the house ie. giving up on the idea of the apartment in the retirement complex. I'm surmising it's a) because she can't really afford it now that the house sale isn't showing any signs of happening and the equity release fee has crept up beyond the point of being useful, and b) she can't guarantee that there would be people sitting in the communal lounge in the evenings anyway, which she was pinning her hopes on. She'll continue at her day centre and my sister can still take her a dinner in the evenings, but if we can find her an evening interest or hobby and if she can go back to driving locally, that's the best solution - she can't bear to be alone in a house. We can now think about what we need to do to adapt the house e.g. stairlift so she can get to the bathroom etc. Age UK should be able to help with suggestions on that and there may be grants available, so I think we have a solution in sight. She can still come to us every fortnight unless there's a major sulk. DH will talk to her next time she's here, and he'll be able to get her to see it in the most positive light; he's good like that. So phew. This is actually when she's at her strongest if not most pleasant - out to prove a point to someone out of sheer stubbornness, in this case that she can cope without us. That's what she did with social services earlier this year when they sent carers in 3 times a day for a trial period.

daska

You can usually self refer to Occupational Therapy, ring her local hospital to get an assessment, they'll tell you if it needs to come via her GP. Some of the equipment such as handrails (including fitting) may well be free and they can help organise grants (if eligible).

Anything urgent you may be able to source via the Red Cross - but beware, they will 'demand' their "suggested donation". (I had no objection to making a donation, but compulsory charges shouldn't be labelled in such a fashion - it was very distressing when they rang up three days before xmas saying they would collect the equipment tomorrow if it wasn't paid!)

Errata

Good to see things seem to becoming right and the penny has dropped for your mum. Plenty of house adaptions are available, some at no cost, others not, and if your sister is going to take her dinner to her every evening - she's a saint as well.
I'm a bit puzzled about why you have to find an evening hobby or interest for her, personally I'd buy her a 42" telly and that would be it. On another point, you really need to think about her ability to drive if she's been diagnosed with a cataract - she won't be safe.

JanCee

Tiglath wrote: »

She's always been a bit of a hypochondriac - a cold is always pneumonia, a headache is a brain tumour, you get the picture.

I laughed when I read this(not making light of your situation in any way) but you could easily be describing my mother with that comment. She has been "dying" for as long as I can remember but has recently celebrated her 90th birthday and has outlived most of her friends & relatives.

Tiglath

I hear you on the driving, Errata. She can't work a telly - is completely flummoxed by all technology. Even the buttons on a housephone are too much. We got her a new TV and a Freeview box for the analogue switch-off, and she decided she couldn't even key in '1' for BBC1, so it never got used. I've tried to teach her how to do ours, how to switch on our central heating when she stays, and she won't even attempt to grasp it mentally. She had a VHS player until last year (bought in 1982) and could never put in a video cassette to play it. She'll just have to read instead.