Dilemma re Mum and niece

mrs_sparrow

Yes, I was going to suggest seeing if transport is available.

Have you spoken to the council about this at all? You might be surprised as her house is unsuitable for her to live in - as is the place she is staying at the moment. Housing and Social Services are different. I'd not even bother with SS, they are dire beyond dire, they might take action if you are lying dead in the gutter but otherwise would not give a stuff and they will probably tell your sister you had called them. Be careful. They ruin lives!! Speak to the council housing department. Vunerable people can get LHA (housing benefit) for at least 6 months if they have property to sell and you give it back to the council when the house sells.

You say you do not like your niece so I would wait and corner her when you go and pick your mum up and tell her you know what she is up to and you will absolutely no qualms in reporting her to the police and social services if she does it again and her and her mum will both be in trouble.

Your neice clearly feels threatened by your mum being there - did the girls stay on her own before? I am wondering if she had boys/friends in and out of the house and is trying to scare your mum off so she can do what she did before.

CH27

I would move your mum in with you & get a a local day centre sorted.
You need to remove her from the bullying ASAP.

Tiglath

A return journey from here by taxi would cost £50 so not really feasible. I guess I could try and speak to the authorities, but Mum's house already has a charge on it because of an equity release scheme she did a while ago. She wants to stay in her hometown and wouldn't come here permanently because of all the immigrants (yes she's not without fault herself - it's a generational thing). She's set her heart on a particular complex and wouldn't move anywhere else temporarily. If I speak to the authorities, then they'll get my sister involved and she'll probably wig out and end up sectioned again. When Mum had mobility issues early this year, my sister was named as next of kin and they wouldn't discuss anything with me whatsoever. I wish Mum would give me permission to speak to my sister and niece but she absolutely won't. I do appreciate all the suggestions, I really do - I just can't see a way out.

Northern_Princess

I find this so sad. Your mum is elderly and I am sorry to sound harsh but she protected you when you were younger so now is your turn to protect her. There is no way on this earth that I would stand back and allow a 13 year old CHILD bully an elderly relative. Your mum should not be sleeping on a sofa nor be unpaid child care either especially with her mobility problems. If you have room at your home bring her to live with you, there will be services in your area for day care, but this make take time arrange. I know I'd rather have my parent under my roof than be abused by a child.

As for your niece, she needs taught respect for her elders and manners by the sound of your post. If I were you I'd happily bring my mum to live with me tomorrow and then make sure the niece knew what she'd done as well as give my sister a swift boot up the backside!

Believe me life is to short to leave your mum in this situation and this advice comes from someone having lost both parents. Don't wait to see what happens, act NOW! Otherwise you may regret not doing anything when your mum has gone....

Tiglath

The niece has her own issues - she's never known her Dad, and my sister recently married a guy who's applying for some kind of permanent visa to stay in the country. He doesn't live with my sister or really see his daughter (the 18 month old) - he turns up maybe once a fortnight for an overnight but isn't really interested, and I'm pretty sure he's still involved with a woman who has an older daughter by him.

The niece isn't interested in boys - I think she just feels crowded and is falling in with the wrong crowd at school. I think I'm going to have to speak to her, regardless of what Mum says; if I talk to my sister, she wouldn't do anything anyway because she's struggling to cope and is on a fair whack of medication as she's bi-polar. Maybe I need to provide some calm positive input into the older niece, as well as a warning re her behaviour. She watches such rubbish on TV, she thinks language like that is normal.

Tiddlywinks

Rent you mum's house out as it is not selling and then use the income to rent a sheltered apartment for her...

In the meantime, you need to get your mum somewhere 'safer' to live. Why does she not want to stay at her house?

What exactly are her care needs? I only ask as you have said she attends a day centre 4 days a week yet she is still driving and your sister seems to think she is physically able to sleep on a sofa and undertake childcare duties so I'm a bit confused as to what your mum needs and why she is moving.

McKneff

If you are genuinley worried about your mother being bullied I wouldnt hesitate for a second in discussing it with your sister whether you had permission from your mother or not.

Or speak to this little swine sharply and tell her if she tries it on one little bit with mother you will get the police to deal with her and get her charged with assault.

Dont mess about, your mothers wellbeing is at stake here,

mrs_sparrow

Tiglath - you have 3 options:
Speak to the council, get LHA, your mum lives somewhere else and she has 5k less when the house gets sold.
She continues to get bullied by your niece.
You report them to SS and it beings a whole load of trouble.

I personally would not go to SS, they ruin lives and love nothing more than stirring up a good old hornets nest.

Seeing as your sister has been sectioned, you do not say what for but maybe your nieces behaviour explains this.

However, I;ve read the other bit where it says your mum has your sister down as next of kin (I would question this if your sister has been sectioned as she might not be able to make desicions for your mum) and they do not involve you in anything I say let them all get on with it and let them deal with it. And when your mum starts complaining about it tell her she has made her choice and she did not want you involved.

Harsh yes, but it sounds to me like she is telling you to get you on a guilt trip but does not want you to do anything about it. So don't. She must be happy there to stay there and not say anything.

It is going to be hard but really, let her get on with her moaning and just say 'sorry mum, you have asked me not to get involved, you did not want me having anything to do with your business last year, it's really nothing to do with me'. It sounds like she wants you to have a whinge to knowing you can't do anything and she is not actually interested in doing anything to change this - which is just selfish.

As for wanting a certain complex - what if it is not available when her house sells, what is she going to do then? Sofa surf for a bit?

I was sympathetic but after reading the last bit about her and your sister not telling you anything to do with her health despite your sister being mentally ill - I'd say let them get on with it and try not to think about it. Harsh yes, but there is nothing else you actually can do other than to say things to make yourself feel better. Your mum wants everything her own way, well, maybe she has to learn she cannot have it all her own way sometimes.

Tiglath

Earlier this year Mum fell down the stairs and couldn't walk. Then we discovered that she'd had a prolapsed uterus for 5 years which was ulcerating, which she'd hidden from us. We dragged her to the doctor and he sorted out a shelf pessary which seems to have helped, although she does get recurrent urinary infections. She stopped eating and is currently on antidepressants; she can't bear to be alone even for half an hour and has panic attacks. Social services have been absolutely useless and decided she didn't need any help. Despite the niece, she's actually doing a lot better than earlier this year - she can walk again with a stick and even drive. She's lived in her house for nearly 60 years, and absolutely won't move from the area; she was always the one doing things for friends, and they've all abandoned her bar one, so she's lonely and that's why she values the daycentre so much - she was a care assistant herself until she was 75 and knows a lot of the people there.

I am going to have to do something; I'll nab the niece if she comes here Sunday night to pick Mum up. Threatening her with the police is probably a good move, but I'll have to speak to my sister about it as well. My Mum probably won't speak to me again because of it, but I can't take the risk - thank you everyone for your advice.

Northern_Princess

Tiglath wrote: »

Earlier this year Mum fell down the stairs and couldn't walk. Then we discovered that she'd had a prolapsed uterus for 5 years which was ulcerating, which she'd hidden from us. We dragged her to the doctor and he sorted out a shelf pessary which seems to have helped, although she does get recurrent urinary infections. She stopped eating and is currently on antidepressants; she can't bear to be alone even for half an hour and has panic attacks. Social services have been absolutely useless and decided she didn't need any help. Despite the niece, she's actually doing a lot better than earlier this year - she can walk again with a stick and even drive. She's lived in her house for nearly 60 years, and absolutely won't move from the area; she was always the one doing things for friends, and they've all abandoned her bar one, so she's lonely and that's why she values the daycentre so much - she was a care assistant herself until she was 75 and knows a lot of the people there.

I am going to have to do something; I'll nab the niece if she comes here Sunday night to pick Mum up. Threatening her with the police is probably a good move, but I'll have to speak to my sister about it as well. My Mum probably won't speak to me again because of it, but I can't take the risk - thank you everyone for your advice.

Frankly if it was my mum they would not be going back to sisters house. Why would a 13 year old child be coming to collect your mum after what she has done to her? Again, sorry to sound harsh but your mum needs protecting, not sent back to purgatory. You know, sometimes people make a cry for help in the oddest ways, maybe this is your mums cry for help?