Dilemma re Mum and niece

Errata

There seems to be a lot of dysfunction going on, and to me it looks like the rotten apple in the barrel is your mum. She won't do this, she won't do that, and everyone has to bow to her wishes. Why? All she appears to do is buqqer up everyone's life at every opportunity.
She's behaving like a two year old, so treat her like one. Tell her what's going to happen - move in with you; back to her own house; residential care which the council will fund and put a charge on her property; or !!!!!! and stop trashing other people's lives.
Sorry if that seems harsh, but that is the reality.
On a practical note, there are no 'authorities' that you have to register yourself as NOK with, but do write to her GP letting them know, and if she goes into hospital advise them that you're NOK when she's admitted.
Best wishes to you, you're going to need them.

daska

So your sister needs to call SS and tells them she is no longer able to house and care for mum. SS try to force sister to continue but she stands firm and SS then have to insist to mum that she returns home with care or moves in to other sheltered accommodatin.

Alternatively, when mum comes to you for the next weekend your sister goes home, bags up her things and drops them over to you. That will make it abundantly clear to your mum that she has outstayed her welcome. You then get SS in to assess her care needs and your's as carer. Mum then has the choice of staying with you or going back to her own home or accepting that she has to choose another sheltered care option.

You'll have to be very firm with her (and SS) but they're the simplest solutions I can see.

Mojisola

Tiglath wrote: »

DH and I both offered Mum to come and live with us, we'll turn the diningroom into her bedroom, and we'll sort out a day centre here, but she won't accept that because it's outside her area.

She's adamant she will only move to the complex she wants to move to, but that can't happen until her house sells, and the window for that happening is narrowing because the price for settling the equity release scheme from the sale of her house will soon leave her in a position to not be able to afford the sheltered complex she wants.

So we have a manipulative Mum, a stressed-out sister, and a teenage niece going off the rails because of home pressure.

Mum won't consider any of the options we've suggested.

Is there anything I haven't thought of? I'm most worried about my sister to be honest - she has such a lot on her plate.

I don't think you'll be able to get much help from SS because they are tied by the rules that say they have to consider what the client wants - and your Mum doesn't want their help.

Some elderly people do start behaving like stroppy teenagers and you may have to use the same techniques to deal with your Mum. One person can't be allowed to wreck your sister's family life and cause so much stress to you and your OH. Whether she realises or not, she's being a tyrant and is damaging her children and grandchildren's lives.

She has to be removed from your sister's house. Give her the option of coming to you or going home - no discussion, those are the options.

If she does go into a decline because she stops caring for herself, you then have an opening for SS to get involved.

It could well be the start of dementia or it may be your Mum's personality which is making her behave like this. It's going to be very hard for you to deal with - but then the last seven months haven't been easy, have they?

You may have to step back a bit emotionally and think of your Mum as a person who needs help rather than "Mum", if you see what I mean. In the last years of my Mum's life, I was her carer and she wasn't my Mum as she had been all my life because I had to make her decisions for her - I knew what she needed better than she did so the relationship dynamics were very different.

daska

SS have to listen to what mum wats but they can't insist that mum lives with either of her daughters, SS can only assist mum to return to her OWN home or go into care.

peachyprice

I know it's a bit out there and coming from a totally different direction, but the vulnerable person in this whole situation seems now to be the 13yo girl coping with a very dysfunctional family and acting out as a result.

Is there any way you could haver HER come to stay with you for a few weeks to give her a break from your very manipulative mother and your sister on a verge of a breakdown?

From your update it seems that she's not actually as bad as you though and she's listening to you and wants to sort herself out. I know it's harsh to say, but you mother is getting towards the end of her life, this girl has her whole life in front of her, how this situation is dealt with could shape her whole future, perhaps she deserves a break?

System

Your Mother has to realize she cant have it all her own way.

LannieDuck

I think the only certainty is that you have to get your Mum out of your sister's house. Otherwise sister and niece are both going to suffer.

It's not what your Mum wants, but needs must. She's going to have to compromise in some way - find the next best solution for her, and just do it. I agree with the others, that probably means coming to stay with you for a bit.

Tiglath

Just spoke to Age UK - they're going to send me some leaflets and have also given me the phone number of the branch closest to Mum and sister. It's clear she has to leave my sister's - that's absolutely non-negotiable - but someone from Age UK should be able to go visit, explain to her about resources available blah blah and maybe help her accept that it has to happen. I did explain the problem was mental rather than physical, but he was just a generic guy on the phone who couldn't offer anything really practical right now; still, the local contact may be able to come up with something along the lines of counselling and support. Maybe an external professional person might reach Mum when the rest of us can't. As I don't live near, I'll pass the details on to my sister to arrange a date and time for the visit, but I'll take time off work to be there too.

Mojisola

Tiglath wrote: »

It's clear she has to leave my sister's - that's absolutely non-negotiable - but someone from Age UK should be able to go visit, explain to her about resources available blah blah and maybe help her accept that it has to happen.

Best wishes for you and the rest of the family. I hope this stressful time will come to an end soon. Stay strong!

Tiglath

Thank you everyone - I do appreciate the support, and it's comforting to feel that we're not being unreasonable in this, just trying to find the best workable solution. Christmas will be sh!te again this year but it can't be helped; Mum stayed home last year and wouldn't even answer the phone because she wouldn't be in the same room as my sister's new husband who's Ghanaian, even though he's always totally polite and respectful towards her. Heck she may throw a strop and even go back to her own home for Christmas day to sulk. I'm just going to carry on regardless, get to my sister's early morning to help cook dinner etc. It's hard to accept that 'Mum' is gone, but the poster who spoke of their own changing relationship with their mother had it spot-on. I think, all things considered, it would be better if she went to her own home longterm; we'd find a way of coping if she wanted to move here, but with both of us working fulltime and me especially doing 12-14 hour days a lot of the time, it would be very hard. I really don't know how my heroic sister has coped for so long, but I'm glad for her that she's made the decision that the situation can't continue and I'll back her all the way.