Dilemma re Mum and niece

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Tiglath wrote: »

A return journey from here by taxi would cost £50 so not really feasible. I guess I could try and speak to the authorities, but Mum's house already has a charge on it because of an equity release scheme she did a while ago. She wants to stay in her hometown and wouldn't come here permanently because of all the immigrants (yes she's not without fault herself - it's a generational thing). She's set her heart on a particular complex and wouldn't move anywhere else temporarily. If I speak to the authorities, then they'll get my sister involved and she'll probably wig out and end up sectioned again. When Mum had mobility issues early this year, my sister was named as next of kin and they wouldn't discuss anything with me whatsoever. I wish Mum would give me permission to speak to my sister and niece but she absolutely won't. I do appreciate all the suggestions, I really do - I just can't see a way out.

'That's terrible, Mum. But you don't want me to do anything about it and you've already refused my offer to living here because you don't like blacks/coloureds/P***s/W**s/C***s/insert abusive racial collective noun of choice as applicable. So you're just going to have to deal with it yourself, as I am not prepared to sit here whilst you refuse to accept any help or any compromise'.



Not saying this is the case for your family - but butter wouldn't melt in my mother's mouth. Just so long as you are the favourite offspring or an unrelated male, she's positively angelic and little, put upon and innocent. But if you're not any of those, then you see a nasty, aggressive, violent piece of work who hates everybody. but nobody would ever believe you because she's such a lovely old lady.


Put someone like that in a confined space with somebody who may not be perfect, but is no fool themselves, and it's almost a foregone conclusion that there will be stories coming out all over the place.

Yorkie1

I can see why your mum wants to stay in the local area after that explanation.

In that case, if moving to your house isn't an option she will accept, I think the only options you have are:
a) speak to your niece in such as way as to make her back off - only you know whether this will work
b) speak to your sister to explain your concerns and to say that she needs to do something or you will have to involve the authorities (or whatever else you'd prefer to say) - this has risks of upsetting your sister's state of health further
c) speak to both of them
d) speak to neither of them but speak to the authorities
e) do nothing as your mum has forbidden it.

Difficult choice, as others have already said.

Have you seen the Age UK factsheet on elder abuse? I haven't actually clicked on the link to download the factsheet but it might provide some food for thought.

Tiglath

I've just discussed all this with Mum. We're going to go through the equity release paperwork because she thinks she wouldn't be allowed to rent out her house under their terms. The complex she's set her heart on doesn't do rental properties - you have to buy. She's forbidden me to speak to sister and niece this time, as Auntie died yesterday and everything's up in the air emotionally; tonight was when my niece flipped and said the c-word. However Mum has promised me that if my niece is ever nasty to her again (and that's a foregone conclusion really), she will tell me and I will speak to them both. She wasn't aware I wasn't named as next of kin; I think that was an oversight on my sister's part rather than anything deliberate, but as Mum gets DLA, she's going to tell my sister to contact the authorities and get me added as next of kin. That's the best I can come up with for this evening - I have told Mum that if this isn't resolved and it happens again, I will act as I see fit to protect her and I will speak to whomever I need to. Thank you everyone - I really appreciate the input, and I will definitely read that AgeUK sheet (and maybe get Mum to read it too).

Tiddlywinks

Tiglath wrote: »

Earlier this year Mum fell down the stairs and couldn't walk. Then we discovered that she'd had a prolapsed uterus for 5 years which was ulcerating, which she'd hidden from us. We dragged her to the doctor and he sorted out a shelf pessary which seems to have helped, although she does get recurrent urinary infections. She stopped eating and is currently on antidepressants; she can't bear to be alone even for half an hour and has panic attacks. Social services have been absolutely useless and decided she didn't need any help. Despite the niece, she's actually doing a lot better than earlier this year - she can walk again with a stick and even drive. She's lived in her house for nearly 60 years, and absolutely won't move from the area; she was always the one doing things for friends, and they've all abandoned her bar one, so she's lonely and that's why she values the daycentre so much - she was a care assistant herself until she was 75 and knows a lot of the people there.

I am going to have to do something; I'll nab the niece if she comes here Sunday night to pick Mum up. Threatening her with the police is probably a good move, but I'll have to speak to my sister about it as well. My Mum probably won't speak to me again because of it, but I can't take the risk - thank you everyone for your advice.

Your mum needs to make some *informed* decisions about her future...

She wants / needs to move because she can't bear to be alone - sheltered housing will not have 1 to 1 company around the clock.

She sounds like she needs help to understand why she feels panicky and why she needs anti-depressants.

Also, why have her friends stopped coming around? Is it because she has changed from the person they knew as their friend?

All I'm trying to say is that you need to get to the root of her problem otherwise any choices she makes might not be in her best interests.

What does her gp recommend?

suki1001

Before anyone jumps on me and I am absolutely not condoning the 13 year old for her behaviour, I do think listening to the health problems of your sister and your mother, that that is a lot of pressure for a 13year old to take. At a time when she needs adults for guidence both are struggling with issues. I know no-one is at fault, but could it be that your niece is finding 2 people this way difficult to cope with and lashing out?

When my grandmother stayed with me it was very hard work, because she needed so much care that detracted from my children, it's a stress on any family.

Having lived with a mother who was falling apart, I was an angry teenager. She relied on me as an emotional crutch and at a similar age to your niece, I couldn't take it any more and lost the will to be sympathetic. Of course I don't think I was nasty, but I was very much regarded as the black sheep.

I'm not excusing her behaviour btw.

Yorkie1

Good luck to you and your mum, Tiglath - hope you manage to get some sleep tonight, particularly with all the added stress caused by your aunt's passing.

littlerat

I'm sorry - but I don't think your mother is the only one who's "at risk" for want of a better terminology.

Your niece right now is dealing with a mother on the verge of another breakdown who's constantly dosed up on medications, an elderly, disabled grandmother living with her and an 18 month old baby in the house, who she's probably going to be doing a fair bit of the caring for if your sister is off in "cloud cuckoo land" most of the time. That's a hell of a lot for a 13 year old to have to deal with.


I'm sorry but I think you need to consider that your niece needs some help - her behaviour is surely a giant red flag of that fact.

Your mother is an adult who can make her own decisions and is choosing to not improve her living situation for whatever reasons, your niece is a child stuck in what seems like a very stressful situation.

Yes help your mother claim something so she can move support her, but also rather than just complain your niece is sly and nasty, think about why that is and get the girl some help before the damage is irreversible.

wondercollie

I've read everything and I agree with the posters about your niece needing help.

Does your mother's house have stairs and she can't manage them? Is that why she's couch surfing?

Let's see: 13yo girl with unstable mother who is married to a guy who shows up every so often, looking after her toddler half-sister, has a granny who sounds incredibly needy camp out for an unknown and seemingly unending period of time. Auntie who lives one town over and believes every word out of her mother's mouth.

Your oldest niece needs support, now!

I should know, my mother is extremely manipulative and has been playing me off against my brother since the 1970s. My way of dealing with her demands was to move 1200km away and focus on my family because nothing I've ever done has been good enough. I have no relationship with my mother and my childhood friends know why.

Save your niece and re-evaluate what your mother has told you. I mean, I'm the devil incarnate if you talk to my Mum.

suki1001

I also think besides the immense stress on a 13 year old girl, I think Jojo has hinted at this somewhat, but you're getting one side of a story.

No matter what you think about the niece, you have to be very careful.

I was once friends with a vunerable poor diffenceless woman that lived on her own. She had an incredible way of making you feel sorry for her. Her weapon was gossip - how awful people had been to her. Her poor ex-bosses were the main target, we hated them, my oh wrote an anonimous letter to head office he was so incensed with the way they had treated her.

We bent over backwards for her, even set up in business together so she could start afresh. What did she do. Start complaining to other people about how awful we were, then we had a lynch mob after us. She tried to set up in business with another person on the premesis. These were clever women - not easily such in, yet she'd dripped so much poison in their ears that they were convinced.

Their wake up call. She told them I was a junkie (because I told her in confidence) I'd used recreational drugs as a teenager when I was struggling) and then reality hit. One of the women plucked up the courage to tell me, I was so hurt and realised her plan went wrong as soon as the emenies end up comparing notes. And then I realised she went from people to people and used manipulation techniques to get what she wanted. We were shocked at how I'd we'd all been sucked in. She'd painted my husband out to be some controlling maniac. She lied and lied and lied. Her motto must have been divide and conquer.

She had a way of doing things that I can't describe. People running around, buying her things, I did it, everyone did. She was so upset i bought her some expensive foundation (the only type she liked), she thanked me then started moaning about how her shoes hurt.I wouldn't have spent that money on my sister.

It was one of the biggest life lesson I have ever learnt and I suspect everyone whose path she has crossed has learned it to. Emotional con artist.

Sorry for the long story. Living under that one roof will be horendously, horendously stressful. My mum once moved in with us and they ended up hating each other, it was awful. Each thought the other one was the worst in the world.

As others have said, why is your mum staying there, she's putting up too many barriers to move. I mean sleeping on a sofa?. Be very careful taking sides.

The extremely cynical side of me (from experience) would say she's got you all exactly where she wants you. I really hope you get it sorted.

Fire_Fox

I don't know what you expect anyone to say! You repeatedly say your mum won't let you/ forbids you from dealing with something you know is morally and probably legally wrong, this is ridiculous you are a grown woman.

If your sister has spent years not disciplining/ intilling good values into her eldest daughter and is now about to repeat the same mistakes with a little one, she needs professional help not tiptoeing around. The 13 year old will only be 13 once, you have a very narrow window of opportunity for this situation to be turned around. Either grandma or the toddler is going to get hurt or the teenager end in some sort of trouble that will impact on the rest of her life.

Stop hand wringing and making excuses for everyone and take action, you know you would think that if it was someone else's family. It's not like we are advocating having the youngest taken into care or the eldest going to a young offender's institution ... yet.