Dilemma re Mum and niece

Tiglath

Can I get some advice please? Mum is 77, not very mobile, and currently staying with my sister, niece (13) and niece (18 months). Mum's trying to sell her house to go into sheltered accommodation but not much interest there at the moment, and she won't stay in her own home anymore, so she's sleeping on my sister's sofa. My sister doesn't mind her staying there at all, but the oldest niece is bullying Mum when no-one else is around. Yesterday she called Mum the c-word and made out that Mum had tripped her up - she's a sly nasty little girl. So of course Mum turned up here in tears for the weekend.

Mum's forbidden me to raise the subject with my sister who is on the verge of a nervous breakdown (separate issue); my sister's in cloud cuckoo land most of the time. But I hate the idea of my niece bullying Mum - I'm not allowed to mention it to the niece either. What can I do? I watched DH's grandmother be bullied to death years ago by his sister, and right now I'd like to tell my niece exactly what I think. She's kind of obssessed with me because I'm not taken in by her and am always strict with her, so it's difficult. We're resuming Mum's fortnightly weekends here, and she goes to a daycare centre 4 days a week. She also has a little car to pop out to the library but gets roped into caring for the younger niece to save on childcare costs so is around the house a lot. Very awkward - I live 10 miles from them and don't drive. I'd happily have Mum live with us but she doesn't know anyone here and wouldn't be able to continue at the daycentre. Any suggestions?

Ms_Chocaholic

Can your mum not get a sheltered housing place now, before her house sells.

newcook

first of all, Id be washing out nieces mouth with soap and water!

also, why on earth is your mom on the sofa?!

as your mom drives could she not drive to and from the daycare centre from your house?

CH27

My nan moved into sheltered accomadation before her house sold.

If I were you no way would I let her stay with that sly niece of yours.

mrs_sparrow

Can you confide in anyone else that can help her?

Housing people at the council maybe? Maybe they can give her accomodation and she pays them back when the house sells. It's worth a try. Speak to them and then arrange to go and see them with her so that they know about the abuse but ask them not to mention it. She should not be sleeping on the sofa at her age.

They could maybe put a charge on her house like they would if they went in and did a clear up job.

mrs_sparrow

Oh, and living with you for a short while and not knowing anyone is better than being bullied. Can you find her a local daycare centre? If you explain her circumstances I am sure they would welcome her with open arms.

Good luck.

Cara79

A 77 yr old should not be sleeping on the sofa, used for childcare & certainly not spoken to like that & be bullied.

I'd realt look into sheltered accommodation ASAP

Barneysmom

The easiest way to deal with the nasty neice is for your mom to quietly say 'I'm not sure if I'll bother leaving you anything in my will' - she'll do a backturn quicker than you can blink believe me!
Whether she does or not is a different matter but it'll !!!! her up anyway.

But I think it's time you got in touch with the authorities about moving her into a more permanent home where she can have her own space and privacy, it must be demoralising and embarassing for a lady of her age to be sleeping on someone's sofa even if it is family.

It must be a big worry for you.

Yorkie1

Elder abuse is nasty, irrespective of the age of the person perpetuating it. I'd certainly consider talking to the authorities.

If she did come to live with you temporarily, would she be able to get a taxi to the day centre?

Tiglath

Mum's hoping to sell her house and have enough to buy a flat outright in the complex; she couldn't afford to rent on her pension, and there's no chance of help from social services. She's sleeping on my sister's sofa because she can't manage the stairs and the bathroom is downstairs. There isn't a spare room for her, and she finds the sofa comfortable, so that's not a problem. Mum only potters a couple of miles in the car - she's not confident enough to drive to my house, never has been, and gets picked up by minibus for the daycentre.

Believe me, if I had my way, my niece would never squeak back again, but my hands are tied. All I can do is get Mum here for as many weekends as possible but I'm infuriated by the way my niece is behaving. She's never had any real discipline from my sister and runs wild (I unfriended her on Facebook because I couldn't stand the vile filth she was posting), although the childminder who effectively raised her is marvellous. The niece is a horrible piece of work; she breezed in here bright as a button tonight, all smiles and kisses, and it wasn't till she'd gone that Mum broke down. Even if I had permission to approach her about it, she'd blatantly lie and say Mum was going senile, but I know Mum's not lying. Maybe it's all built up a bit as Mum hasn't stayed here for a couple of months because of my recent surgery, and they've all been cooped up together as my sister works shifts, but the bullying has been going on for a year or so and is getting worse. The niece is also quite rough to her baby sister but that's another issue - my sister pays her to look after the baby sometimes. Personally I'm wondering if the niece has mental issues or whether it's teenage hormones.

emjd

after reading your post a couple of thigs stand out to me, if shelived with you she may be able to get transport to the daycentre shes at now if her mobility isnt good, secondly i know its family but there is something callled ove (protection of vunrable adults) where you can get your mum some protection from your neice, speak to your doctors they may be able to offer more support to