Would you pay to go to a wedding?

chocaholicmanc

This has been such an interesting MMD!

Personally there would have to be very specific circumstances involved for me to contemplate paying for my own food at a wedding (this NOT being one of them). Your sister in law sounds awful and whilst it's difficult with families I think you should stand your ground and just not go. You can pick your friends....as the old saying goes!

I accept that attending a wedding may end up costing me money and I am happy to do it but this is just plan rude!

My best friend moved away and decided to have her wedding locally to her new home (which was very close to her OH family and friends). They decided to hire a hotel (which included rooms) for the entire thing. They considered asking those living locally to pay for their rooms (to recover some of the costs) but said they would never have asked those travelling so far to do so as they were grateful we all made the effort. In the end they decided it wasn't fair to ask some to pay and not others and accepted that this was what they had chosen to do. It was a beautiful day and an amazing venue and I have never begrudged the money it took to get there/gift/outfit/etc because they were both so happy. That's what a wedding is all about after all!

Good luck with whatever you end up doing....x

rozeepozee

How odd! I cannot imagine ever doing something like this. I'm really struggling to get my head round it. Does she have to get married? I mean, are her family putting pressure on her, for example?

I'd like to get married at some stage but right now we have other priorities: looking after our children and doing up the family home. If we ever get married (which is rarely a necessity in this day and age) it will be cheap and low key, but hopefully, a great get together for everyone, or we'll have had a windfall and will be able to afford a big event.

smashedcrab

It's absolutely cut & dried for me - I wouldn't go. I'm already fuming on your behalf because of the audacity of the bride (and especially her father saying you 'had to'.) You don't 'have to' do anything. It's a lot of money for you, for most people in fact (and it seems to be increasing as time goes by). If you really want to go, pay the £38 and don't give a present. When the bride asks you where the present is, simply say, 'we couldn't afford the meal and the present, and as your father said we HAD TO pay for the meal, that is what we did. Rant over

Errata

Would I pay for a meal? Nope, it's in nobody's interest to collude with a bride's delusions of grandeur.

newkitchenfund

I have never ever heard of anyone being expected to cough up for a wedding meal. As far as I can make out, the bride plans to get everyone to pay up £18 a head on the day and 'pretend' it was left off the invites. Who's going to get landed with the bill if people (rightly) decline to pay? Or if they didn't all happen to bring a spare £36 per couple; £72 for a family of four (or a chequebook), with them?

This couple need to get their heads around the fact that if you can't afford it, you can't have it. If this is their approach to budgeting for a one off event, God knows what state their household finances are going to be in in the future.
However, as this is the OP's sister in law, I don't think boycotting the event is an option - but the OP's other half (the bride's brother) should have it out with her and her fiance - well before the day.

newkitchenfund

Lorac29 wrote: »

I have read this all with interest....weddings certainly can offend everyone!!

For my 2 cents...I would be horrified at having to provide a dish.....I work looooong hours with a loooooong commute and the thought of having to think of something, make it and take it to a wedding would not be for me- personally (and I mean personally- this is my opinion only!) I would much rather pay for my meal or contribute some money.

People don't have to make something home-made for a potluck style buffet. Of course if they have the time and skill that's great - but a quick trip to the shops for some party food is fine too. And people are only obliged to spend what they can afford.
For my brother's twins' christening party, which was a potluck do in the village hall, we (along with a few others!) popped into the local supermarket after the service! I can cook - but I live 200 miles away and had moved house myself two days before!

securityguy

newkitchenfund wrote: »

However, as this is the OP's sister in law, I don't think boycotting the event is an option

Yeah, it is. They'll get over it. Weddings bring out the worst in people, and as an iron rule, the more fuss there is about the wedding, the less likely it is that you need to worry about remembering their anniversary.

headache5678

Me too, I would probably not go if the potential fall out was minor.

If it was, I'd go, but buy a reduced wedding gift.

Errata

If the bride has invited any of her colleagues, or the grooms, the wedding will be talked about for many years to come.

daisiegg

securityguy wrote: »

Yeah, it is. They'll get over it. Weddings bring out the worst in people, and as an iron rule, the more fuss there is about the wedding, the less likely it is that you need to worry about remembering their anniversary.

I HATE it when people say this. My parents had a huge knees up for their wedding and are still very happily married 26 years later. All of their generation in our family were the same - enormous family weddings with hundreds of guests and big white dresses and hats and flowers and terrible amounts of 'fuss' and, shock horror, no divorces or separations 30 years later even though they had those big weddings!

OH and I are planning what some might call an extravagant wedding (though we are paying for it ourselves and not getting into any debt) and it is because we are so overjoyed and ecstatically happy to be getting married that we want to celebrate with our friends and family and have them share in our happiness and give them all a fab day. I'm sure none of our guests will be complaining that they are coming to a wedding with lots of 'fuss' when they are coming to a beautiful venue, coaches are being put on for them, there is no specified dress code to conform to, we have not sent out a gift list and they are being given plenty of good food and drink all day. But apparently all the 'fuss' means our relationship is doomed?

I think it is very judgemental and unkind to say that if someone has a big wedding their marriage will be short.

ETA also wanted to say, I hear it often but have yet to see any evidence of 'weddings bringing out the worst in people'. Mine is very close now and so far, if anything, planning and preparing for this day has brought out the BEST in us and those around us. It has brought families together, re-cemented old friendships and even kick started new ones. There has been no animosity or aggro or stress or anyone showing the worst side of themselves.... (yet!!!)