Would you pay to go to a wedding?

Mojisola

FunWithFlags wrote: »

Recently we were invited to a family member's wedding.

The evening do is at the local rugby club and there's going to be either a buffet or a set meal, bride hasn't decided yet. One of her deciding factors is cost.

The budget for the wedding is a couple of thousand and the venue cost has eaten the rest of the money up.

the latest news from bride's dad is that the bride has decided to select the set menu but rather than the cheaper £15 a head option, has plumped for the £18 a head option which is kind of her(!).

The bride is planning a wedding that is beyond her means.

She could downsize her plans, borrow the money or put off the wedding and save until she can pay for it.

Asking "guests" to pay just would lead me to refuse the invitation.

Reggie256

As said earlier, I married in September last year – the day went perfectly, right down to the weather.

However, we were on a budget and when this is the case one has the plan the wedding accordingly. For example, we didn’t have a wedding car – my then-fiance arranged for her sister-in-law to drive her to the church, as she has a fairly new car that happens to white. As noted in my earlier post, we didn’t have an evening event as such, but booked a little extra time at the reception venue (and since a friend of mine who actually works as an entertainer was providing live music, the quality of the reception offset the lack of evening event!).

To expect guests to pay is just rude though; if you are unable (or unwilling) to afford some aspect of the wedding you either compromise or manage without it. To repeat my earlier post, ‘Guest’ is defined as “One who is a recipient of hospitality at the home or table of another”. Expecting guests to pay is contradictory.

suchgreatheights

NewKittenHelp wrote: »

So say your nephew was getting married and he had seven siblings, a few half-siblings and a few step-siblings. His wife/husband had an equal number, or perhaps more

Seriously? 7 brothers and sisters, then 'a few' more from a previous marriage, then 'a few' more from yet another marriage? And the wife is in the same situation, or even more extreme. That's at least 13 whole/half/step siblings each. While entirely possible, I'm not sure that counts as a typical family!

You make a valid point though. Two sets of parents, a few brothers and sisters plus grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins plus their partners and children on each side soon mounts up.

Person_one

suchgreatheights wrote: »

Seriously? 7 brothers and sisters, then 'a few' more from a previous marriage, then 'a few' more from yet another marriage? And the wife is in the same situation, or even more extreme. That's at least 13 whole/half/step siblings each. While entirely possible, I'm not sure that counts as a typical family!

You make a valid point though. Two sets of parents, a few brothers and sisters plus grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins plus their partners and children on each side soon mounts up.

I have 16 first cousins, lots of whom now have their own children/partners/step-children etc.

Its easy, we don't invite each other to everything because we aren't close. The ones who are close, do, and they do what they have to do to make that possible.

purplepegasus25

I got married last year, neither of us wanted to wait long or spend a ridiculous amount on 1 day, although we did want it to be special. We wanted somewhere a little different and found a place which didn't charge for the room hire as long as we spent an agreed minimum on food and eventually found a band that we could afford and my husband (ex professional musician) liked.

Even on a budget must admit we only managed to do it cause of help of family and friends but that didnt include asking any of them for money!!! One friend made the cakes and decorated the venue for us using things we'd bought, another couple did the photos (which we were more than happy with), my friend and hairdresser of 13 years took the day off and did my hair for free and my aunt and cousin did the flowers and in the end decided that they'd cover the costs as their wedding gift.

So in the end we were lucky and got everything we wanted for a budget we could afford and didn't leave us in any debt. But I'd NEVER have even considered asking people to pay for food or anything else towards the day! If what I'd chosen meant we were over budget we'd have either had to chose something else or suffer paying it off later.

Especially when you don't know what else they've paid out for I think asking the guests to pay for food is ridiculous, and as you've said no mention before not sure how they expect to get this money from people! If you'd really like to go to the wedding I'd say go, if you do get asked pay for the food but perhaps adjust your thinking/giving of gift accordingly. If you're not that fussed about the meal then maybe make excuses to skip that part and go later so you can still celebrate with them without the additional cost.

As others have said the definition of guest doesnt normally include expecting them to pay for stuff like food! And in my experience wedding food is generally overpriced and not always great quality/to suit everyone's taste. At a push I'd go out and spend £18 a head on a nice meal but that was when I could chose when, where and what, not at someone else's say so!

guidarufino

I think this is really cheeky but I would probably still go and subtract the £15 from the value of my gift!

I think people get far too carried away by weddings. They get themselves into debt so they can spend £10k + on ONE FLIPPING DAY! It's madness. I know someone who spent £20k and someone else who is planning on spending £30k. And it puts far too much pressure on the day. I hear people talking about their weddings as if they were talking about sitting final exams. When did weddings become soooo stressful and when and who decided you HAD to spend £5k minimum?! It's just one day and it's meant to be fun, for the bride and groom as well as everyone else.

I also think that those same people give very little thought to how much it costs to be a guest at their wedding. By the time you add in the hen/stag WEEKEND (don't even get me started on that one! :mad:), an outfit, a gift, maybe an overnight hotel stay (I had to fork out £200 one time I was bridesmaid just for the hotel on the wedding night), etc etc going to someone else's wedding can cost approaching £1k. Which is totally unacceptable in my eyes.

And as for destination weddings, well... they can be summed up in one word, selfish. Unless you're paying for everyone's flights and accommodation that is :rotfl:

My OH and I are hoping to get married next year for £1k or less. All in. We plan to get legally hitched the day before. And on the day we're going to hire somewhere inexpensive, have our own custom ceremony there and that way everyone we know and want can come and we can have a mixture of humanist and religious.

I HATE having A and B list guests, I think it's horrible, rude and insulting. I understand the rationale but having been a B list guest twice, I would never want to do that to anyone.

For catering we're going to ask a few people to bring food instead of gifts and do a buffet. I'll probably tell people roughly what to make so we don't end up with 100 coleslaws as another poster rightly said. I would be really interested to hear from anyone who has actually done this and how well it worked. If anyone wants to PM me with any hints or tips I'd be really grateful.

other people we're going to ask to do help decorate the venue, bring flowers, bake cakes, take photos, provide entertainment etc. we're both in our mid 30s and really don't need toasters, towels and all the other stuff that usually goes on wedding lists.

For booze we're going to do a booze cruise to France and maybe get some beer from a local brewery. I suppose we'll probably have to get some soft drinks too but I suppose again we could ask some guests to bring that.

We're also thinking of providing a separate room with professional childcarers so people can bring their kids but not spend the whole time running around after them.

my oh did moot the possibility of asking some people for money towards the do but i said absolutely not. i think, and obviously this is just my personal opinion, that asking people for money for your wedding is the height of bad taste and manners. at the end of the day, it's your day and you shouldn't expect people to pay for it if you've decided to have the kind of do you can't really afford. the most important thing for us is that we can invite all our friends and family to help us celebrate our special day and that everyone has a good time and eats and drinks as much as they like. that's it. we want a marriage, not just a wedding DAY.

in short, i think people spending beyond their means for the sake of one day need to re-examine their priorities.

stu_n_jue

I would say I can only afford the meal or a present, let them decide !!

cathyg

Absolute cheek. If I really wanted to go then I would cough up the £18 for the meal but then either compromise on the wedding gift or not get one at all!

They should have factored that in and had a cheaper reception.

AliBaliBee_2

I agree with those who have said work out how much you would have spent on the gift and deduct the meal and give the bride and groom whats left, preferrably as cash as they sound skint. They cant have both the meals paid for AND expect a dear gift, and they probably had two houses full of stuff anyway and dont need any more!

My friend knew someone who racked up a £20k wedding on a series of credit cards with the specific intention of going bankrupt so she didnt have to pay for any of it! wonderful dress, a fleet of limos, top class food and drinks all paid for, fab honeymoon, everyone said it was the best wedding they had ever been to.....! Which you and I are now probably paying for through highest bank charges and interest rates as the house (bank) never loses. Thanks for that!

To be honest i would love to be able to offer everyone a fab day at my forthcoming wedding but i would only do it if i had the money, i wouldnt want to be paying off debt 5 years later like another friend is, and she hates her hubby now and cant afford a divorce as she is still paying for the wedding!!

I will be inviting people to my registery ceremony and if they want to go to the local restaurant after with us and pay their own way that would be fantastic. NO presents reqd. Cards welcome though so i can keep them!

ellymoo

I went to a friend's wedding where guests were asked to pay for their breakfast if they would like to join for the meal. Nobody had a problem with that because the couple in question had a very small budget, and didn't ask for presents. As it was, I gave them a gift as well. They didn't have a 'reception' as such, just booked a private room in a restaurant. It was lovely.

When I had a big birthday party I couldn't afford to cater for everyone (150-or-so guests) but people brought dishes and everyone was happy to do that. Perhaps this is a better way of doing it? I've been to other parties where everyone brings a dish.

If you have all donated to the wedding already, and then are being asked to pay extra for the food it's not really a party for anyone though!