He's been paying for webcam sex

Lotus-eater

So he has a need/want/fantasy that you (the OP) won't/can't do with him.

How are you planning as a couple to deal with this?

He obviously plans to get what he needs from webcams, but like others, I find it hard to understand why normal !!!!!! won't do the same job.

amyloofoo

I think a lot of the posters are missing the point here; it's not really a discussion about what constitutes cheating, although it's been interesting to see everyone's differences of opinion on that . The facts are that the OP told her partner she was uncomfortable with something he was doing, and rather than telling her he was planning to continue or that it was important to him or he thought she was being unreasonable; he agreed to stop doing it. When she then discovers he's carried on, it's a breach of trust in just the same way that cheating is: it would be the same whatever they'd agreed to as a couple and he'd lied about.

My original thought was that it sounded as though both partners had issues, as OP had checked emails. However as she checked these emails after discovering receipts and attempting to dispute the charges (as she originally thought they were a mistake) then perhaps this is more one-sided than I thought to start off with. I think there are probably more of us than would necessarily admit it; but I think lots of people would check emails etc if faced with 'proof' that their partner has done something they consider to be cheating.

I can't imagine it's going to be easy to find time / stay calm / want to have the argument with two children and another on the way; but you really need to have some 'adult time' with your OH and let him know how disappointed you are about his deceit. It's not about flying off the handle (although you sound remarkably composed so I don't think this will be a problem ), but about telling him how he's made you feel whilst also giving him the space to explain what he enjoys about the webcam experience and why he felt the need to lie. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but it may be that he has a problem with !!!!!!, or is feeling insecure about another aspect of his life so feels the need to get control through webcams; in which case relationship or individual counselling may still be very beneficial.

Is there a relative or friend who could watch the children while you take some time to talk? I think it's likely to get pressured or interrupted if you've always got one eye / ear watching out for the kids. It's also worth trying to remember that his betrayal is not your fault and is not a reflection of how you've behaved in the relationship. Whether it turns out to be a !!!!!! addiction, him lying because he considered it to not be serious, or an underlying problem he has with another area of his life - this is completely seperate from your relationship and your sex life. It's still entirely possible to have a good relationship with someone who has an issue with !!!!!!, but that's going to be very difficult if you take everything personally and see his choices as a reflection on yourself. I know it's hard to not think "he's doing this because I'm inadequate in such-and-such way", but that's really not how it works and could be really destructive to yourself and your relationships.

Welshwoofs

janninew wrote: »

The OP said this is the second time he's done this, they had that 'conversation' the first time and he did the same again knowing she would be upset.

That is the crux of the matter, not !!!!!!, but doing something that you know hurts your partner.

Yes, the crux is not doing something that you know hurts your partner. My point is that scraping a marriage over it would be extreme. They had a conversation, but it sounds as though there wasn't a true resolution to it - he maintained he didn't view it as cheating and she said "don't do it again" which doesn't really get to the heart of why he's doing it or what their differing views on pornography are. It's actually just a stamp of will on the other person with the expectation that they'll comply and the obvious hurt that results when they don't.

I'd take a bet that boundaries regarding pornography weren't discussed prior to this relationship getting serious and now it's biting them in the bum. Some couples counselling and discussion on neutral ground would probably help.

Lotus-eater

electrobix99 wrote: »

Control? Power? Attenion maybe.

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euronorris wrote: »

That would be even more worrying. He can't get off without these things?

Hold on, hold on Lets not jump to any conclusions.

For a start he can probably get off without them, but needs an itch scratched in whatever he wants.
If it is control or power, then so what? That's lots of peoples idea of fun.

The OP already said, she goes along with whatever he likes and likes it herself, but only as play, not as real life.
I think most men have been in that situation before, either he has to accept what he will get from his wife is it, or she accepts he needs some release for his needs.
Or some combination, you both need to talk and boundaries talked about properly.

amyloofoo

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Hold on, hold on Lets not jump to any conclusions.

For a start he can probably get off without them, but needs an itch scratched in whatever he wants.
If it is control or power, then so what? That's lots of peoples idea of fun.

The OP already said, she goes along with whatever he likes and likes it herself, but only as play, not as real life.
I think most men have been in that situation before, either he has to accept what he will get from his wife is it, or she accepts he needs some release for his needs.
Or some combination, you both need to talk and boundaries talked about properly.

I agree, but I think what's hurting the OP is that she thought they already had an agreement and he's broken it. It shouldn't all be on the OP to discuss boundaries; she told him where she thought the boundaries were and rather than challenge this, he agreed then lied about it.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with webcam sex; but there's something very wrong about lying to your partner and leaving her feeling that she's been betrayed after you've already had a discussion where you'd agreed to stop.

I think they could do with a sit down and talk about what they're prepared to do in the future to meet both of their needs; but I think the OP has actually been really reasonable and it's time for her partner to start expressing himself too. I appreciate he's probably uncomfortable about it, and may not feel that it's a big deal; but I can definitely see why the OP would be upset about being lied to, and I don't really see why he wouldn't be able to grasp this either.

heartbreak_star

OP's also said she's quite happy with normal !!!!!! DVDs and will happily watch them with her partner.

HBS x

Lotus-eater

amyloofoo wrote: »

I agree, but I think what's hurting the OP is that she thought they already had an agreement and he's broken it. It shouldn't all be on the OP to discuss boundaries; she told him where she thought the boundaries were and rather than challenge this, he agreed then lied about it.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with webcam sex; but there's something very wrong about lying to your partner and leaving her feeling that she's been betrayed after you've already had a discussion where you'd agreed to stop.

I think they could do with a sit down and talk about what they're prepared to do in the future to meet both of their needs; but I think the OP has actually been really reasonable and it's time for her partner to start expressing himself too. I appreciate he's probably uncomfortable about it, and may not feel that it's a big deal; but I can definitely see why the OP would be upset about being lied to, and I don't really see why he wouldn't be able to grasp this either.

I also agree and being pregnant probably doesn't help.

This is a time to sit down and have a serious chat though, not be accusing.
The OP sounds quite open minded, which is good, they both have to think about where the other person is coming from.

euronorris

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Hold on, hold on Lets not jump to any conclusions.

I didn't think I was. The reason I said that is because when she first found out, she made it very clear that she was unhappy with that and asked him to stop. Although he didn't agree with her view, he agreed to stop. So I'm trying to understand what drove him to either knowingly lie to his wife from the outset, or be unable to keep his word. It suggests a very strong urge to me.

For a start he can probably get off without them, but needs an itch scratched in whatever he wants.
If it is control or power, then so what? That's lots of peoples idea of fun.

Fun is fine, but with power and control another person is required. Who's to say it won't escalate from webcam sex to actual sex with another person? It's already escalated from normal !!!!!! to interactive !!!!!!.

The OP already said, she goes along with whatever he likes and likes it herself, but only as play, not as real life. I don't understand this. Do you mean that it's OK as an idea, a fantasy, but doesn't want to act it out?
I think most men have been in that situation before, either he has to accept what he will get from his wife is it, or she accepts he needs some release for his needs.
Or some combination, you both need to talk and boundaries talked about properly.

Indeed. A good talk is definitely needed!

Errata

I feel deeply sorry for the OP. Her needs are of no importance to her OH and he's happy to treat her with utter contempt. Just to get his rocks off! How pathetic.
I also wouldn't want a man having webcam sex with complete strangers under the same roof as my very young children were sleeping under.

BugglyB

Errata wrote: »

I feel deeply sorry for the OP. Her needs are of no importance to her OH and he's happy to treat her with utter contempt. Just to get his rocks off! How pathetic.
I also wouldn't want a man having webcam sex with complete strangers under the same roof as my very young children were sleeping under.

Why is that? Its not going to hurt them. Sexual desire is natural - theres nothing shameful or pathetic about it.