He's been paying for webcam sex

Errata

tangerine3 wrote: »

This is what I have previously talked about with him. If Im not willing to give him what he wants and he cant let it go, then looks for other ways to act out the fantasy. How long before he is looking to meet someone to do it? He says that would never happen. He has offered to talk to someone/go and see the GP for advice but I said I didnt think we had come to that. I probably should have let him

He's a grownup, and adult mature man. All he has to do is exercise some self control and that's the advice anyone will give him that he talks to. Except the GP who may be less than sympathetic.

tangerine3

BugglyB wrote: »

Quite. For me I would allow my partner to do this activity but if he tried to do it without asking/checking if it was ok with me first? Big trouble. How disrespectful.

I don't know where you can go from here to be honest. How have you left things?

I couldnt bring myself to talk about it last night. I was tired, my three year old woke up and he was in the middle of an assisgnment.
Im going to have a good think about things and have a chat at some point over the weekend - Its hard with a nosy nine year old and a noisy three year old

BugglyB

tangerine3 wrote: »

I couldnt bring myself to talk about it last night. I was tired, my three year old woke up and he was in the middle of an assisgnment.
Im going to have a good think about things and have a chat at some point over the weekend - Its hard with a nosy nine year old and a noisy three year old

Yeah I bet! You must be knackered.

HeadAboveWater

Hi OP. Hope you're feeling ok today *hug*

I do not agree with what he's done, especially for the fact that you made it very clear you were unhappy with it previously.

Friend of mine accidentally opened her hubby's mobile phone bill a few years ago. It was about £425!! :eek: He's a policeman and apparently it was a girl he'd met and helped along the side of the road. By the size of the phonebill, I don't question the fact that he hadn't met up with her, and nothing ever physical happened between him and the girl. I do believe it was all chatting via phonecalls. But it is still a betrayal of trust. What's he talking to her about that he can't talk to his wife about?

To me, your OH is your best friend as well as your partner or hubby. There shouldn't be any need to go off looking elsewhere for anything that should be part of a relationship, be it physical or emotional or just someone to 'chat' to. Is that not what a relationship is about?

Thinking about you and hope all works out ok for you

skypie123_2

Off topic
Headabovewater - what did your friend do? :eek:

HeadAboveWater

Ummmmmm.... she kicked him out, he filed for divorce, had a kid with the girl and got engaged

pipk62

Errata wrote: »

In my book cheating is giving someone the time and attention they're not entitled to and which belongs to a spouse/partner.

That's pretty much it, You both have a healthy interest in !!!!!!, and at some point he made a conscious decision to not include you, at that point it IS cheating,

Firstly I'll ask whether you are or consider yourselves (you and OH) to be married?
Seems to me that you are as you have been together for 10 years and brought new life into the world...

So, your relationship should be founded on trust and respect, on both sides.
Whether you like it or not you're now in a gameplan, he broke your trust and you now read his emails (breaking his)

You need to both get back to the love and respect you both had. (expect tears)

You definitely need to talk, even if it's through a third party like Relate maybe, or COSRT? There is no way out of it I'm afraid.

Your problem will (I believe) fix itself as soon as he fixes his much bigger problem...

His problem is that he has a sex drive, unfortunately he has allowed THAT to overtake his mental state; like gambling, alcohol or drug taking where a little with friend(s) does you good, he is now hooked on this particular type of !!!!!!, it's become a disease - he NEEDS to admit that, not to you but to himself, before he can move on.

That doesn't mean given him more attention, especially with sex - in fact a period of abstinence would be better if not easy to achieve.

One thing I am very sure about is that it's not about you failing in some way, that's not the reason, no matter what he tells you - it's more like a treasure hunt, part of what makes us human is our voyage of discovery, mostly done with heads and hearts - unfortunately this time he used his Richard!
Also I don't believe that any relationship should be total - what I mean is that sometimes each person will need to talk to someone else and sometimes each (and both) do their own thing... but NOT this!

Sit down in a peaceful surrounding facing each other and talk to him, calm and collected, ask him what parts turn him on, and (very importantly) how he feels when he has 'finished'.
Also ask him why do you think she does that job? does she have a drug habit or cant she feed her kids, or maybe shes a sex slave? make him see that the performers are people, maybe watch a performer with him, but maintain abstinence throughout.

You need to be strong and unfortunately you will need to do most of the work, but I hope it will lead to a family life you both want.

If you put in the hard work and he still lets you down, it may pay to kick him out, you may end up alone for a while, but it's not as bad as some make out, you'll do fine should it come to that.

All the best

pipk62

tangerine3 wrote: »

....
With regards to the previous few days being crappy. That wasnt really relationship orientated, were both working full time, me self employed and both have stresses within our job. Were also both studying with the open university. Were in the process of selling our house and we already have a 9 and 3 year old. Sometimes life takes its toll and you have crappy days

Just seen this, sorry...
You both have a lot on your plate, you still have to deal with him but I can't help thinking part of it was a bit of escapism too - still selfish and wrong but maybe another straw on a camels back?

There's a lot of talk about Quality Time these days, and the trend is to have QT as a family, which is indeed essential, but just as essential is QT as a couple.

When you've talked about this with him organise your time, so that you have both types of QT - do something unusual and fun as a couple, something that gets the heart pounding, like abseiling for instance.

Gavin83

How could you tell from his emails that he had been viewing the webcams again?

As for if it's cheating or not, I think it's borderline. It's certainly a step up from non interactive !!!!!! but not as serious as sleeping with someone else. As many others have said though it's about setting boundaries and if he breaks the trust then there are clearly issues.

Edwardia

You're thirty weeks pregnant so even if you are feeling horny, sex may be difficult position wise for both of you. Partner may be anxious about harming the baby if you have sex, or he may not fancy your pregnant shape.

If it's your first child together he may be wondering whether he'll get any of your attention in future, whether sex will be as good as it was, how he'll handle being a father - all sorts of things may be running through his head and he might even feel guilty for thinking about some of them.

!!!!!! may be his form of escapist relaxation. It may reassure him that he can get an erection watching, if he feels conflicted about having/not having an erection around the soon to be mother of his child.

IMHO if you feel that him watching !!!!!! is cheating, you're the one with the issues. Partner does not mean property.

If you've ever gone to see a movie or rented a DVD and fantasised about an actor then by your book, you've cheated too.

If you were the one who snooped and found he'd been watching !!!!!! then you're the one with trust issues.

You confronted him, he said he wouldn't do it again, you still didn't trust him and found he'd been doing it again. Now he is out of order for saying he wouldn't watch it and doing exactly that. You're upset thinking that !!!!!! is more important to him than you are. Maybe he has a !!!!!! addiction.

I think the two of you need counselling.