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He's been paying for webcam sex

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  • BugglyB
    BugglyB Posts: 1,067 Forumite
    OP I really feel for you, you need your partners support at this time.

    Its not cheating because of what he did its cheating because he didnt have his partners consent to do it. Just because it was online and not in person, its still 'real life'. No-one can say whats cheating in this relationship except op and her partner. Some couples have sex with other random strangers and don't count it as cheating because they allow it. Some people count watching !!!!!! as cheating. Its a negotiation.

    The Robbie Williams/Carol Vorderman scenario is very different. Paying someone for sex is an action, not a thought or a fantasy.
  • How is it the same as a !!!!!! mag? He is interracting in real time with other women with a purpose to bring himself off.
    A !!!!!! mag is images on a page, not some woman he is actively talking to.
    If it was a 'real' woman he met on the internet and was having webcam sex with would you still think it's the same as !!!!!!?
    Because I'm guessing that will be the next stage.
    Op I feel for you, the trust is broken and very hard to repair. He has dis-repected you in a horrible way and the message is he cares more about getting his jollies than your feelings. If you're 30 weeks pregnant he needs to grow up.
    Maybe though this is just the latest in a long line of issues with him? If you're having so many crappy days maybe it's time to leave the sad git to his webcam women. Truth is they probably laugh at saddos like him. Wonder if he actually knows that or what he has done to you.
    xxx
    I have realised I will never play the Dane! :(

    Where are my medals? Everyone else on here has medals!! :p
  • amyloofoo wrote: »
    I agree with the people who've said that it's not necessarily cheating; and I probably wouldn't see it as being particularly serious... however his lying to you and ignoring your feelings is serious and you deserve better. Pregnant or otherwise, I wouldn't take well to my partner lying to my face and continuing to do something I've told them I find disrespectful.

    Having said that, it's really worrying that you're checking his emails and describe the last few days as 'crappy'. I'm not justifying what he did by any means; but I think you probably also have issues that need to be addressed. Is there any possibility you could contact your local relationship counsellor to ask for help with communicating and working on a more trusting relationship?

    :grouphug:

    Thanks for replying, I have quoted you as you have brought up a few things that others have not.
    I guess I sound like Im trying to justify my actions but yes I checked his email account as I had a feeling he had done it again, lets call it womens intuition. I originally found out about this due to it being on the bank statement. I thought it was fraud and got the email address off the company, same pasword he/we use for everything else. I wasnt checking up on him before this and we had complete trust, he broke that and in my eyes (just mine, I dont expect people to agree with me :)) I was well within my rights to look.
    With regards to the previous few days being crappy. That wasnt really relationship orientated, were both working full time, me self employed and both have stresses within our job. Were also both studying with the open university. Were in the process of selling our house and we already have a 9 and 3 year old. Sometimes life takes its toll and you have crappy days :)
  • MummyOfTwo
    MummyOfTwo Posts: 474 Forumite
    i feel really sorry for you OP, and as a fellow preggers lady i understand how you feel. ultimately it doesnt come down to whether it IS cheating or not - its how it makes his partner feel, and first time round he was told how she regarded it, and how it made her feel. he still chose to do it again. it was made clear that it was not acceptable to her. and frankly, his sexual needs and wants just arent top of the list at this stage of the game.

    Many aspects of a couples private life change when shes expecting, especially once the third trimester hits - shes physically really different, hormones are all over the place, fears life will never be the same again. Sex lives take a back step in favour of reassurance, affection, communication, excitement for the baby coming, nesting. His job is to make her feel beautiful, blooming and the most important thing in his life.
  • Mara69
    Mara69 Posts: 1,409 Forumite
    Whether it is considered cheating or not, the OP has asked her husband not to do and he has. That is disrespectful. I absolutely do not agree with the poster who seems to think it is time to be 'given his marching orders' but it is time for some open, honest and possibly difficult conversation. He needs to explain why he did and the OP needs to listen. Then the OP needs to explain how it makes her feel and he needs to listen.
  • marleyboy wrote: »
    If he were paying to have sex with a prostitute, I would deem it as cheating. But jacking off to some stranger on a !!!!!! site is mere fantasising.

    To say it was cheating would be like classing a teenage kid jacking off to a !!!!!! mag as having an affair if he were to to turn the page to the next image.

    OP, you could consider restricting his internet connection, drop it down to less than 56k and any live webcams would struggle. By all means confront him over it, particularly that he has broken a promise.

    If he is not showing you any affection, choosing to relieve himself behind closed doors is certainly a selfish attitude to take, one that needs addressing. So long as you both have a healthy sex life with one another, what he does in privacy with himself, would be far less severe than if he was having an affair behind your back, whether or not he pays for it.

    I cannot understand why he would pay for such a service, so freely and readily available on the internet these days. But he needs to focus less on the women of fantasy and more on the woman he has.

    To me sex is something physically shared between two lovers, whereas !!!!!! is merely a desire for sex. Nothing beats the real thing.

    Thanks for replying. I dont have a problem with !!!!!!, we quite often get off to it together and it enhances our sex life together. I have a problem with the interaction between him and some other woman. He is trying to take our fantasies to the next level without me as I am not willing to do so.
  • Maureen43 wrote: »
    Personally I wouldn't like this either but, as others have said, it is trust which is at issue here. You told him you didn't like it, he didn't stop.

    Speaking from my own bitter experience (and I am sure others may disagree), I don't think you will be able to trust that he has stopped now.

    Unfortunately, also from bitter experience, I don't think people change. He will always be interested in this kind of stuff. You can't turn it off.

    This is what I have previously talked about with him. If Im not willing to give him what he wants and he cant let it go, then looks for other ways to act out the fantasy. How long before he is looking to meet someone to do it? He says that would never happen. He has offered to talk to someone/go and see the GP for advice but I said I didnt think we had come to that. I probably should have let him :(
  • BugglyB wrote: »
    OP I really feel for you, you need your partners support at this time.

    Its not cheating because of what he did its cheating because he didnt have his partners consent to do it. Just because it was online and not in person, its still 'real life'. No-one can say whats cheating in this relationship except op and her partner. Some couples have sex with other random strangers and don't count it as cheating because they allow it. Some people count watching !!!!!! as cheating. Its a negotiation.

    The Robbie Williams/Carol Vorderman scenario is very different. Paying someone for sex is an action, not a thought or a fantasy.

    Thanks, I wasnt really trying to start a debate about what counts as cheating and what doesnt. Your on the same wavelength as me where I see it as each couple dictate within the relationship what they will and wont tolerate.
  • 0^0
    0^0 Posts: 146 Forumite
    tangerine3 wrote: »
    Thanks, I wasnt really trying to start a debate about what counts as cheating and what doesnt. Your on the same wavelength as me where I see it as each couple dictate within the relationship what they will and wont tolerate.

    Exactly, if you dont like it then he should accept that. If he continues to do it and tries to cover it up then he is betraying you.
  • BugglyB
    BugglyB Posts: 1,067 Forumite
    tangerine3 wrote: »
    Thanks, I wasnt really trying to start a debate about what counts as cheating and what doesnt. Your on the same wavelength as me where I see it as each couple dictate within the relationship what they will and wont tolerate.

    Quite. For me I would allow my partner to do this activity but if he tried to do it without asking/checking if it was ok with me first? Big trouble. How disrespectful.

    I don't know where you can go from here to be honest. How have you left things?
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