He's been paying for webcam sex

tangerine3

Errata wrote: »

I feel deeply sorry for the OP. Her needs are of no importance to her OH and he's happy to treat her with utter contempt. Just to get his rocks off! How pathetic.
I also wouldn't want a man having webcam sex with complete strangers under the same roof as my very young children were sleeping under.

Thanks for your reply, just want to make it clear, that I dont have any fears where the childen are concerned. Its done in complete private.

FBaby

I don't know why such issue turns around the definition of cheating, ie. getting off with someone else. Cheating is pretending something that is not true, so if he was pretending that he respected how she felt, yet went ahead and did what she thought he wasn't doing, that is cheating, end of it.

These kind of issues all come down to the level of compromise individuals within a relationship are willing to make. Where are the lines draw is terms of making efforts to please our partner because that's what we do when we love someone and how much you accept that you won't get all you want in the relationship because when you love someone, you respect their feelings.

Clearly OP looked at it purely from his perspective. He wants something, his partner doesn't. He considers that it is fair enough that he should be entitled to it. Either he trully believes that he is doing nothing wrong so it is ok, or he convinces he is doing nothing wrong because he really wants it. He holds the position that he is doing nothing wrong to justify his actions. His extent of considering his partner's feelings is to convince himself that as long as she doesn't find out, she won't be hurt. Of course, it could also be a case of how long as she doesn't find out, I won't be in trouble.

The problem is that he should have started the other way round. Accept that she has an issue with it, he has promised not to do it, so doing it is cheating. Therefore doing it is going to hurt her feelings deeply, which inevitably will have a serious affect on their relationship. Is such a risk worth what he gets out of it? Considering she seems to be quite flexible in terms of openess to sex, especially being a pregnant mum of young children, maybe he should have stopped at the fact that he could consider himself already very lucky?

He overstepped the mark, he took the risk not to find out, he messed up, he will now need to face the consequences. OP, whatever happens once you talk to him, DO NOT feel guilty. It was his choice to take the risk, he knew what he was doing, he can't backtrack to the issue of whether he should have a right to do what he did. That's the conversation that should have taken place BEFORE not AFTER.

jetplane

For me it would be more about the betrayal and deceit than the 'deed.' There are some things I may be sad to see my husband do but I would be devastated if he continued to behave in a way that he knew upset or offended me.

However now that you know, you now need to confront or ignore it. I would question myself as to why I felt the need to check his emails, this would suggest I had not truly forgiven him from the last time or had an inkling that he would do this again.

Assuming that this is an otherwise healthy relationship this is about respect, the first time it happens one of you asks the other to stop and the other agrees. Now you need to resolve why it is still happening.

OP you say your husband needs to go further than you want to (yet), each marriage/relationship has it's own boundaries and not just where sex is concerned. Don't let your partner push those boundaries so that you do all the compromising.

It is surprising how many people come on here for advice about their partner only to end up defending him and his actions, don't let yourself do that. Sometimes when strangers attack the person you love you feel protective towards them, just remember why you are hurt and don't blame yourself or your pregnancy.

jetplane

FBaby that is a great post.

FBaby

jetplane wrote: »

FBaby that is a great post.

Funny how we wrote almost similar posts at the same time

Errata

tangerine3 wrote: »

With regards to the previous few days being crappy. That wasnt really relationship orientated, were both working full time, me self employed and both have stresses within our job. Were also both studying with the open university. Were in the process of selling our house and we already have a 9 and 3 year old. Sometimes life takes its toll and you have crappy days

All that and a new baby due in a very few weeks - I'm amazed he has the energy or the time to do sleazy things with a computer.
OP - for clarity: I don't believe your children are unsafe, but was trying to make the point that I wouldn't tolerate your husband's sexual behaviour and use of the family income in my children's home.

BugglyB

There's no point trying to dress it up as a child protection issue. I don't see anything wrong with consenting adults doing whatever the hell they like in a house with children in it so long as the children are safe. It sure is unfair having one room that kids arent ever allowed in and is always locked but whats wrong with mum and dad occasionally locking their bedroom door while the children are in bed? the problem here isnt how morally disgusting you found whatever OPs partner did, its the fact that he decieved her and lied to her and did it without her consent, and that she doesnt know what to do about it.

Dunroamin

BugglyB wrote: »

There's no point trying to dress it up as a child protection issue. I don't see anything wrong with consenting adults doing whatever the hell they like in a house with children in it so long as the children are safe. It sure is unfair having one room that kids arent ever allowed in and is always locked but whats wrong with mum and dad occasionally locking their bedroom door while the children are in bed? the problem here isnt how morally disgusting you found whatever OPs partner did, its the fact that he decieved her and lied to her and did it without her consent, and that she doesnt know what to do about it.

You surely can't compare the parents' marital relationship with dad w@nking to an online hooker?

Errata

BugglyB wrote: »

There's no point trying to dress it up as a child protection issue.

Of course there isn't, I wasn't aware that had been suggested.

Padstow

BugglyB wrote: »

Why is that? Its not going to hurt them. Sexual desire is natural - theres nothing shameful or pathetic about it.

It becomes a child protection issue if the children are allowed to see it, or it's left on the screen for them to see when the adult vacates the computer.