Partner keeps letting us down.

dottydee854

To answer some of the questions, I wasn't confident to confront 7-8 burly drunken men, when i was asking them to leave and get ganged up on. I don't know these men and their lack of respect showed through the treatment of our home. Being in my night dress kids being clingy whinging ect. Felt abit emabarresed and scared yes.

I do smoke, My partner doesn't, i do not smoke around the kids, and smoke indoors on occasions usually when it's hammering down, snowing or i can't open the back door. And next to a window, my dining room is enclosed, where the kids play ect, i've never or would smoke in that room. Usually bathroom or kitchen. So i don't see why he would let people smoke in their when i've never done it myself. And it was a beautiful evening so no excuse not to get out the back for a fag, i had to stand out front.

The kids are the most important thing, they are my world, but they do see us argueing, which i hate but heat of the moment ect, somethings you can't just leave to discuss at the weekend (he works nights, so hard to talk when kids are in bed)

I will go citizens advice on Monday, as we have a joint tenancy and want to know what to do... As i've sat and thought about how hurt i am, and last night trying to discuss it he just shrugged it off as if it wasn't a concern.

Thank you all for your advice, it's appreciated and i don't feel like it's me being a naggy old woman.

How should i go about asking him to leave? Sounds stupid but never had to do it before, what if he refuses? How would i pay rent? I don't work my partner does i'm a home maker soon to be college student to do a access course.... So much to figure out.
Thanks again xxx

dottydee854

Yes he has changed, this last year he has become very selfish, well since he started his new job, might be because most of them on nights are single men,bad influence maybe? I don't know but when i met him, and he moved in he was different, treated us all with respect, now he just doesn't seem to give a dam. x

Pollycat

dottydee854 wrote: »

How should i go about asking him to leave? Sounds stupid but never had to do it before, what if he refuses? How would i pay rent? I don't work my partner does i'm a home maker soon to be college student to do a access course.... So much to figure out.
Thanks again xxx

Have you definitely decided this?
Or are you asking 'just in case' it comes to that?

Tiddlywinks

dottydee854 wrote: »

Yes he has changed, this last year he has become very selfish, well since he started his new job, might be because most of them on nights are single men,bad influence maybe? I don't know but when i met him, and he moved in he was different, treated us all with respect, now he just doesn't seem to give a dam. x

Is your OH the father to your children?

Sorry but you have to really try to shield your children from the worst of what is going on - your OH working nights is no excuse for you to argue in front of your kids.

Never underestimate how damaging this might be or how long term the damage might be.

You need to have some serious conversations with your OH, is there a friend that can babysit or neighbours that can help out so you can go out to talk?

Edited to add: Have you asked him why he has changed? Have you told him calmly how you feel he is different to the man you fell in love with? Is it the gambling that has changed him? Have you checked your finances to see if he has worries from his spending at the bookies etc?

skylight

dottydee854 wrote: »

Hi Mildred, would be hard for him to do that, as his family are in Cardiff and he has a full time job here. But have thought that maybe asking him to leave, might make him try to change or realise how much hurt he is causing. But as i said would be hard for him to live somewhere as his family are in Cardiff.

Good advice though thank you x

Quit worrying about him so much. I know he is your partner and you love him (I assume??) but he is an adult and does not need protecting anywhere near as much as your kids do.

Where he stops whilst you sort things out is not your problem. He has at least 8 mates he can stop with for a period of time.

mildred1978

dottydee854 wrote: »

Hi Mildred, would be hard for him to do that, as his family are in Cardiff and he has a full time job here. But have thought that maybe asking him to leave, might make him try to change or realise how much hurt he is causing. But as i said would be hard for him to live somewhere as his family are in Cardiff.

Good advice though thank you x

Surely it easy for him to go home then. He can take some holiday and go back to his parents.

A fortnight should make him realise what he's missing

Oh, and while he's gone do something for you and your kids and give up the fags. Doesn't matter if you go a mile down the road to have each and every fag, you are poisoning the children with every single one.

mildred1978

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Has your OH's behaviour changed? Is he a different man from the one you moved in with? Or are you just realising what he is really like?

.

I would worry if he was after a) 3 years of growing up, b) 2 kids in quick succession c) a move away from his friends and family.

That said, he does sound like an @rse.

dottydee854

I feel this is what is best for me and the kids, no it's not what i want, i never wanted any of this. I understand relationships have problems. And maybe the seperation would help clear his mind and mine. Establish where its going wrong.

Regards to him leaving, i still love him and care for him, thats what hurts most, and i woudln't want to throw the father of my kids out on the streets with no where to go. But your right the kids need some space and peace.

We spoke last night as i said above, and i took the kids out all day to my mums for some peace asthey where shattered and he had to sleep off a hangover.I have asked in the past, he says he hasn't changed, but to me he has, again the seperation might make him realise this.

He is the father to my youngest not the eldest but has taken him on as his own, and the eldest biologcal father isn't around anymore. So he knows no different.

Hope i've answered all the questions xx Thanks again x

Auntie-Dolly

Perhaps it is because I am older, but it sounds like you treat him as another child a little bit. He is only allowed to have friends over 'if he is sensible' and Daddys been naughty' etc. He is a 24 YO man with two kids who has left his family & friends to be with you - cut him a little slack. Perhaps next time he wants a boys night in you could take the kids & visit family or friends to minimise the upset. Just make sure he cleans up before you get back!
As far as gambling is concerned, my Dads been placing bets all my life, but hasn't gone bankrupt yet (never won much either, sadly). Hope you can find some middle ground.

balletshoes

dottydee854 wrote: »

This is my first post about my relationship so please be gentle.

But if it's not one thing it's another a month later, i'm getting sick of saying 'last chance i can't cope' I've tried talking, shouting, ignoring, getting angry, staying calm. Suggested counselling but he doesn't want to as it's 'too expensive'.

It's rubbing off on our son as well, he said to a random bloke on the bus yesterday 'my daddys been naughty, and had lots of men in the house' Not only is it embarressing, it made me realise my son knows more than he lets on. And i feel i'm letting him down when he sees this every month ect.

I just wanted to rant and see if people had any idea of what to do, as i don't want to have a broken family, but i can't see myself being fully able to trust what he says.

Thanks for listening and sorry for large post.

I'm really sorry to have to say this, but you are already on the way to a broken family. Currently there are no consequences for your OH when he lets you down, because although you tell him it the last time, you can't do it anymore etc, your actions tell him its not the last time and you can keep doing it - because you're still there and you're still doing it.

Where did your young son get the phrase "my daddy's been naughty" from? Did he overhear you and your OH? Did you say anything like that when he woke up and couldn't get back to sleep when the poker night was still going on?

To be honest, I would expect a poker night to involve smoking, drinking, a very late night, gambling and eating. I wouldn't expect it to involve broken furniture and mess on the floors etc, and I'd be hacked off about that.

If you want to give your OH one last chance, do it. Sit him down when you are both calm and relaxed, and tell him you really can't and won't do this anymore, its affecting your children as well as you, and next time anything like this happens you'll be gone (or he will, one or the other). And don't let it be an empty threat. Because your words aren't sinking in at the moment.