Partner keeps letting us down.

duchy

He sounds like another child -stealing money from your purse, leaving a child in a car -You don't need to think like a tiger with her cubs you simply need to think like a grown up.

What would you tell your best friend if she was scared in her own home, if her partner was stealing money from her, was unreliable etc ?

dottydee854

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Three things jumped out at me...

Your son is not 'just picking things up' - YOU need to take some responsibility for the fact that he has been put in a position to hear and see the worst of it. If you don't listen to anything else, at least accept that YOU must protect your kids from seeing the damaging stuff. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE - life isn't just happening, do something about it.

You say you shouldn't have to lay down any rules but you have to understand that different people have different values. 'Late' to me is 1am but to someone else it could mean 3am - it's all about speaking the same language.

You smoke in the house sometimes... the friends probably smoke indoors back home so just assumed that it would be OK and nobody (you or your OH) told them anything different.

I think you have a hard time being assertive and, if your OH is a bit thick-skinned, you will find it difficult to communicate with him if you can't be clear about your needs.

No communication = bad relationship

You mention giving him a 'wake-up call' - that will only work if you can both take a long hard look at what you want and at what you need... and whether you both want and need the same things - otherwise, what's the point in being together?

Thats exactly my point, they aren't my friends though, i wouldnt expect him to tell my friends what is acceptable, he lives in thesame house and knows how to treat it. That was for him to take responsibility to tell his work mates. Not mine. Well, thats how i feel.

Your right, we do need to take a long hard look at the relationship to see what we both want and need. I am assertive, but you can only commuicate if the other person is willing to listen and take on board what is being said as well
x

Sambucus_Nigra

dottydee854 wrote: »

I knew him about 9 months to a year. Casually talking friends, got to know eachother, staying at weekends then slowly progressed, till Daughter arrived. x

Theres other stuff, he left our son in a taxi on his own to go get something out the house, he apologized and worked past that, mhmm dirty sites saved to computer, even after we spoke about boundries when he first met me he knew how i felt about it, not letting me know what time he would be back from a football match as he had work the same evening and just took the evening off, because he was tired, turns out he was down the pub after the match thats why it took so long for him to get back from the match. He goes through my purse for money if he needs it, he wont ask if he can take he'll just ask how much is in my purse, so taken to hiding my money in another purse, and leaving bare amount in my usual purse.

This all sounds rather bad, but he is a nice guy, who everyone loves funny, and the kids adore him.....He works hard to provide for us, but thats just not enough anymore.

Nice when he wants to be, eh?

dottydee854

duchy wrote: »

He sounds like another child -stealing money from your purse, leaving a child in a car -You don't need to think like a tiger with her cubs you simply need to think like a grown up.

What would you tell your best friend if she was scared in her own home, if her partner was stealing money from her, was unreliable etc ?

I'd tell her to come to me if she needed help give her my opinion but leave the rest up to her and be there and support her in her decisions.

dottydee854

he's nice most the time, he isn't shout aggressive or anything like that, it seems he acts first and ignores the consequences afterwards.

Sambucus_Nigra

dottydee854 wrote: »

I'd tell her to come to me if she needed help give her my opinion but leave the rest up to her and be there and support her in her decisions.

And what would your opinion actually be?

Penny-Pincher!!

dottydee854 wrote: »

I knew him about 9 months to a year. Casually talking friends, got to know eachother, staying at weekends then slowly progressed, till Daughter arrived. x

Theres other stuff, he left our son in a taxi on his own to go get something out the house, he apologized and worked past that, mhmm dirty sites saved to computer, even after we spoke about boundries when he first met me he knew how i felt about it, not letting me know what time he would be back from a football match as he had work the same evening and just took the evening off, because he was tired, turns out he was down the pub after the match thats why it took so long for him to get back from the match. He goes through my purse for money if he needs it, he wont ask if he can take he'll just ask how much is in my purse, so taken to hiding my money in another purse, and leaving bare amount in my usual purse.

This all sounds rather bad, but he is a nice guy, who everyone loves funny, and the kids adore him.....He works hard to provide for us, but thats just not enough anymore.

OP....if this was your friend telling you exactly what you've told us about their relationship etc....what would your advice be to her?

jayII

To me, the comment that you were scared to confront them that night speaks volumes. It says that you weren't confident that your partner would back you up and ensure you were safe with his friends.

He sounds very immature and you seem to have very different priorities and values. Personally, I'd be asking him to leave for yours and the children's sake. You can always continue to work on the relationship once he has moved out and reconsider living together in the future, but at this point it really doesn't seem to be working for you and the kids.

Penny-Pincher!!

Sorry OP...just saw someone had asked you the same question above. Didn't see, sorry.
x

dottydee854

I'd properly say everything you guys are saying to me.