Partner keeps letting us down.

dottydee854

mildred1978 wrote: »

Surely it easy for him to go home then. He can take some holiday and go back to his parents.

A fortnight should make him realise what he's missing

Oh, and while he's gone do something for you and your kids and give up the fags. Doesn't matter if you go a mile down the road to have each and every fag, you are poisoning the children with every single one.

Thats true, but that would be for him to decide.
Thanks for your advice, but with everything going on, the last thing i need right now is to add more stress to the equation, i plan to one day, when i'm ready. x

balletshoes

dottydee854 wrote: »

Thank you PP. Unfortunatly i wouldn't know about his past, he moved from Cardiff, to be with us, so none of his friends here, he talks about casinos he use to go to and his step mum has mentioned to meabout it but i brushed it off then thinking his addiction would mean £1000's (not that we have that much) Though his ex did once say to me i'd eventually see his 'true colour's thought it was malicious trying to split us up, but now, not too sure.

I've tried sitting and talking with him, he refuses to accept that what he did was unaccapteble on both counts, im over reacting and stopping him from having a social life because i said he can forget having a poker night here again! He just gives me the guilt that 'i'm making new friends, i left everything in Cardiff for you, and now i can't even have people over for a few drinks'....

We talk about boundries every time stuff like this happens. Feel like i'm fighting a lost cause.

Thanks for the hug xxx

he doesn't need to have poker nights or even friends round to the house for drinks. With young kids in the house, he can to round his friends' houses or go to the pub if he wants a drink. Thats a feeble comeback, in my opinion.

michelle2008

Others have given great advice - the gambling is a major worry. But what struck me most is you were scared and your three year old was scared.

You should never feel scared in you own home. You should be confident that you partner would never bring anyone in the home who could be a danger and even if they did turned agressive he would protect you and the children.

You need to explain this to him - if he makes you feel unsafe he has to change very quickly or leave

VfM4meplse

It's your home that you have created for your kids and your partner has disrespected it.

He's young and immature and needs to be living with his mum, and not you. A room of drunk burly men, and a vulnerale woman with two young kids is nothing but a recipe for disaster. You don't need to be taking on his problems and causing complications in your own life in the process so in your position I'd wave him goodbye.

Penny-Pincher!!

dottydee854 wrote: »

Thank you PP. Unfortunatly i wouldn't know about his past, he moved from Cardiff, to be with us, so none of his friends here, he talks about casinos he use to go to and his step mum has mentioned to meabout it but i brushed it off then thinking his addiction would mean £1000's (not that we have that much) Though his ex did once say to me i'd eventually see his 'true colour's thought it was malicious trying to split us up, but now, not too sure.

I've tried sitting and talking with him, he refuses to accept that what he did was unaccapteble on both counts, im over reacting and stopping him from having a social life because i said he can forget having a poker night here again! He just gives me the guilt that 'i'm making new friends, i left everything in Cardiff for you, and now i can't even have people over for a few drinks'....

We talk about boundries every time stuff like this happens. Feel like i'm fighting a lost cause.

Thanks for the hug xxx

Oh hun....it sounds awful! If you've already tried everything, then maybe you need to suggest harsher options? It just all sounds very unfair on you and the kids.

Did you know him a while before he moved in?

Is it just this incident thats rilled you or other stuff too? Don't feel guilty either. x

dottydee854

balletshoes wrote: »

I'm really sorry to have to say this, but you are already on the way to a broken family. Currently there are no consequences for your OH when he lets you down, because although you tell him it the last time, you can't do it anymore etc, your actions tell him its not the last time and you can keep doing it - because you're still there and you're still doing it.

Where did your young son get the phrase "my daddy's been naughty" from? Did he overhear you and your OH? Did you say anything like that when he woke up and couldn't get back to sleep when the poker night was still going on?

To be honest, I would expect a poker night to involve smoking, drinking, a very late night, gambling and eating. I wouldn't expect it to involve broken furniture and mess on the floors etc, and I'd be hacked off about that.

If you want to give your OH one last chance, do it. Sit him down when you are both calm and relaxed, and tell him you really can't and won't do this anymore, its affecting your children as well as you, and next time anything like this happens you'll be gone (or he will, one or the other). And don't let it be an empty threat. Because your words aren't sinking in at the moment.

He properly over heard us argueing to be honest, and he's just picking things up, and understanding whats accapteble now.

Yeah i thought late night, drinks, food as i'd gone and got some of them when i went shopping, but not smoking in the house (not sure where they even put the ash as i have no ash tray) and late NIGHT (1-2amish) not 4.45am leaving... I shouldn't have to lay out rules, it's his night, what time people have to leave, what they can and cannot touch, they're adults...And i'd never treat anyones house like that...

I've tried talking but it's like hitting a brick wall it isn't getting through. So i think my option is to give him a wake up call. Thanks for the reassurance and advice though

x

dottydee854

Penny-Pincher!! wrote: »

Oh hun....it sounds awful! If you've already tried everything, then maybe you need to suggest harsher options? It just all sounds very unfair on you and the kids.

Did you know him a while before he moved in?

Is it just this incident thats rilled you or other stuff too? Don't feel guilty either. x

I knew him about 9 months to a year. Casually talking friends, got to know eachother, staying at weekends then slowly progressed, till Daughter arrived. x

Theres other stuff, he left our son in a taxi on his own to go get something out the house, he apologized and worked past that, mhmm dirty sites saved to computer, even after we spoke about boundries when he first met me he knew how i felt about it, not letting me know what time he would be back from a football match as he had work the same evening and just took the evening off, because he was tired, turns out he was down the pub after the match thats why it took so long for him to get back from the match. He goes through my purse for money if he needs it, he wont ask if he can take he'll just ask how much is in my purse, so taken to hiding my money in another purse, and leaving bare amount in my usual purse.

This all sounds rather bad, but he is a nice guy, who everyone loves funny, and the kids adore him.....He works hard to provide for us, but thats just not enough anymore.

Arthurian

Think like a tiger with her cubs.

Tiddlywinks

dottydee854 wrote: »

He properly over heard us argueing to be honest, and he's just picking things up, and understanding whats accapteble now.

Yeah i thought late night, drinks, food as i'd gone and got some of them when i went shopping, but not smoking in the house (not sure where they even put the ash as i have no ash tray) and late NIGHT (1-2amish) not 4.45am leaving... I shouldn't have to lay out rules, it's his night, what time people have to leave, what they can and cannot touch, they're adults...And i'd never treat anyones house like that...

I've tried talking but it's like hitting a brick wall it isn't getting through. So i think my option is to give him a wake up call. Thanks for the reassurance and advice though

Three things jumped out at me...

Your son is not 'just picking things up' - YOU need to take some responsibility for the fact that he has been put in a position to hear and see the worst of it. If you don't listen to anything else, at least accept that YOU must protect your kids from seeing the damaging stuff. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE - life isn't just happening, do something about it.

You say you shouldn't have to lay down any rules but you have to understand that different people have different values. 'Late' to me is 1am but to someone else it could mean 3am - it's all about speaking the same language.

You smoke in the house sometimes... the friends probably smoke indoors back home so just assumed that it would be OK and nobody (you or your OH) told them anything different.

I think you have a hard time being assertive and, if your OH is a bit thick-skinned, you will find it difficult to communicate with him if you can't be clear about your needs.

No communication = bad relationship

You mention giving him a 'wake-up call' - that will only work if you can both take a long hard look at what you want and at what you need... and whether you both want and need the same things - otherwise, what's the point in being together?

Arthurian

Think like a tiger with her cubs.