Partner keeps letting us down.

claretmatt

I enjoy playing poker, having a few beers and a smoke.

Could I have a poker night at home - yes

Would I have a poker night at home - no

Why - these nights always end up nosier, messier and later than you imagine. I would never want to intentionally upset, disturbe or make my partner or children feel uncomfortable in their own home as I love, cherish and respect them more thatn anything.

If I do want to have a night out I either come back at a reasonable time or stay out.

I feel that only the fear of losing you all would make him 'wake up'

TheConways

I like to gamble. What's important to me is to know when to stop. Gambling in itself isn't a problem - it's when you lose control and make decisions you normally wouldn't just to chase the adrenaline rush of gambling. From plenty of experience in casinos, and a particular ex boyfriend, i've seen people tip over the edge and lose control. I'm afraid your partner sounds like he's falling over the edge - people in control do not leave their partner and kids for two hours when it was supposed to be five mins.

Do you feel like an equal in the relationship? Who is steering the relationship - him or you? Have you discussed where you are heading - hopes for the future, career, marriage, more children etc etc? I feel like I don't have enough info to make a comment, but all I would say is that any man who allows you to feel scared in your own home by inviting unruly yobs over (frankly, they are if they leave the house like that), or prioritises gambling over his family doesn't sound like much of a protector. Discussing your long term future in a positive way will help yiu understand how he will be with you long term.

I hope he sincerely apologised for his behaviour, i'd be expecting roses and a nice dinner cooked for me if that ever happened!!

dottydee854

I didn't specify a time, in hinde sight maybe that is my fault but i did say on several occasions 'not to late, remember you have to be up with the kids in the morning and x and y are coming over in the evening' So common sense would say not too late, kids get up at x time so to function i need y amount of sleep. No one needed to go in the fridge, as all beers drinks ect where out on the top, for the reason so people didn't feel the need to take things that where the kids or mine. I am infact younger than him by 2 and a half years. We have lived together for nearly two years. So boundries ect have been set already.

I don't understand poker myself, but i didn't mind him having people over, it would be no different to me having a 'corporate company' (not sure if allowed to mention the name) over with a few girls. But once that ended everyone would leave, because they know and respect my house and family.

No nothing was cleared by himself, i ended up doing it because i didn't want the kids touching the beer ect as some still had alcohol in and they where mainly glass. I don't feel equal really, not anymore anyway, yes all disussed, enrolled for college, no kids and i dont want to get married in the near future, i'd rather buy a house or new car.

The development so far is he has apologised but only after i've mentioned he hadn't apologised. And i've told him we need to seperate to sort things out. I need to talk to CAB about what to do next. He has said his only option is going to Cardiff and leaving his job or sleeping rough and work. Neither is really] appropriate and i still care for him. I dont want him on the streets.

londonsurrey

One of the things to do is not to inadvertently martyr yourself. Bar the dirty room to the children, and it's his responsibility to clean it up.

Don't decide on his future for him. It's part of allowing him the space to act like an adult. You control your own future. He gets to share it if he sees the light and bucks up. Do you really want someone who picked up his act for a while just because you nagged enough?

dottydee854

londonsurrey wrote: »

One of the things to do is not to inadvertently martyr yourself. Bar the dirty room to the children, and it's his responsibility to clean it up.

Don't decide on his future for him. It's part of allowing him the space to act like an adult. You control your own future. He gets to share it if he sees the light and bucks up. Do you really want someone who picked up his act for a while just because you nagged enough?

I had to clear the mess because it was the kitchen where the food is and unhygenic, the diningroom is also the kids playroom so had to clean it, though he did put the table down. it was a no win situation, otherwise i would have left it.

I know he's an adult but no-one wants to see a loved one on the street. Or lose his job either, as he'll never be able to support himself.

But he needs to change and i think he is only going to do that when he figures out what he really wants, act like a single bloke or a family one.
So i'm left with no choice am i really?

claire16c

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

... but, think about it, you didn't really have the confidence that your OH would step in and support you, did you? That's a big red flag that should tell you that you don't trust him to be there for you.

Yes, I do think you need to 'man up'! He needs to know you mean business and value yourself enough to refuse to accept his behaviour.

I agree.

If my DH had his mates round and they got out of control, firstly even if they were drunk, theyd probably be more scared of me than anyone else lol, and if I had asked my DH to tell them to leave, he would.

dottydee854 wrote: »

I had to clear the mess because it was the kitchen where the food is and unhygenic, the diningroom is also the kids playroom so had to clean it, though he did put the table down. it was a no win situation, otherwise i would have left it.

I know he's an adult but no-one wants to see a loved one on the street. Or lose his job either, as he'll never be able to support himself.

But he needs to change and i think he is only going to do that when he figures out what he really wants, act like a single bloke or a family one.
So i'm left with no choice am i really?

So why couldnt he clean it up? I cant believe you let him get away without cleaning up his own mess. If that was me I would have not let him sleep until he had done it.

His only option is not to sleep rough if he carries on working, its to find a couch he can sleep on from one of his lovely 'mates', rent a room off gumtree, or find a B&B etc.

Thats not your problem anyway, its his.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this if you dont have to?

So no I dont really think you have a choice, at least not until he grows up.

And please, dont think that smoking in your bathroom, kitchen, or in various other rooms with the window open, is ok for you and your kids.

jayII

dottydee854 wrote: »

I had to clear the mess because it was the kitchen where the food is and unhygenic, the diningroom is also the kids playroom so had to clean it, though he did put the table down. it was a no win situation, otherwise i would have left it.

I know he's an adult but no-one wants to see a loved one on the street. Or lose his job either, as he'll never be able to support himself.

But he needs to change and i think he is only going to do that when he figures out what he really wants, act like a single bloke or a family one.
So i'm left with no choice am i really?

Having read more of your replies, I think it could still work but you need to have a good think about what really needs to change and what you can live with if boundaries are put in place.

Setting boundaries isn't about you treating him as a child it's about the two of you deciding, together, what is acceptable in your home.

I think you need to sit down and decide what you can and can't live with.

Added to that, you can't expect him to read your mind. you need to tell him, specifically, what you want. For example, if you want his friends to leave by midnight you need to say that in advance. If he feels 4am is early enough, then you need to justify your reasoning or reach a compromise with him.

If he's not reliable if you go to the park for example, then don't rely on him. Pick your battles. Deal with the things that you really can't live with and let the rest go.

dottydee854

I can't force him to stay awake and clean, and kids are priority, so yes he got away with it, but it's not about victories its about the kids well being. He didn't do it because he had to sleep because he wouldn't have been able to function.

Don't rely on him? But he's my partner you should be able to rely on your partner surely?

jayII

You should bee able to rely on your partner, but not necessarily for every little thing.

None of us are perfect and part of having a successful relationship is understanding the other person's strengths and weaknesses, and deciding if they are things we can live with.

You have to look at the big picture and that includes considering his good qualties as well as his not-so-good ones.

You could decide that you can't live with not knowing if he's going to get stuck at the bookies, so the relationship is over. Or, you could decide to accept that if he goes to the bookies he is likely to get stuck there, so you choose not to rely on him in that situation and make alternative arrangements.

It really depends on what you can tolerate and what his good qualities are: do they outweigh his bad ones and can you live with them? Relationships are all about compromise and giving and taking.

I also wouldn't have cleaned up after him, I'd have taken the kids out using his cash and told him to sort his own mess out.

balletshoes

dottydee854 wrote: »

I knew him about 9 months to a year. Casually talking friends, got to know eachother, staying at weekends then slowly progressed, till Daughter arrived. x

Theres other stuff, he left our son in a taxi on his own to go get something out the house, he apologized and worked past that, mhmm dirty sites saved to computer, even after we spoke about boundries when he first met me he knew how i felt about it, not letting me know what time he would be back from a football match as he had work the same evening and just took the evening off, because he was tired, turns out he was down the pub after the match thats why it took so long for him to get back from the match. He goes through my purse for money if he needs it, he wont ask if he can take he'll just ask how much is in my purse, so taken to hiding my money in another purse, and leaving bare amount in my usual purse.

This all sounds rather bad, but he is a nice guy, who everyone loves funny, and the kids adore him.....He works hard to provide for us, but thats just not enough anymore.

he's not sounding like much of a catch when you read that all back, is he?