Partner keeps letting us down.

BitterAndTwisted

I think part of your problem is your total financial dependence upon him. Forget about college for the time being and see if you can find some work. Would you get any help from your family to provide child-care if you had a job? I think if you had your own money and could support yourself and your children on your own you'd be able to be a lot clearer about how and where this relationship was going. And he'd be a lot less likely to take the p!ss

dottydee854

Financial dependance isn't the part of the problem, i couldn't get help with childcare, my parents both work full time (mum days, dad nights) Sister who is 13 and nan and gramps both deceased. And my college place is paid for, and it's only for a year then university. Plus i wouldn't want to give up the one thing that i've been dreaming of as well. So i can get a good career for the kids, and to provide for them in the long term.x

Tiddlywinks

dottydee854 wrote: »

Thats exactly my point, they aren't my friends though, i wouldnt expect him to tell my friends what is acceptable, he lives in thesame house and knows how to treat it. That was for him to take responsibility to tell his work mates. Not mine. Well, thats how i feel.

Your right, we do need to take a long hard look at the relationship to see what we both want and need. I am assertive, but you can only commuicate if the other person is willing to listen and take on board what is being said as well
x

You've minunderstood what I said... those guys may not have realised the 'house rules' in your home - your OH didn't explain those 'rules' or pull them up on their behaviour... but nor did you when you saw what was going on. You had the chance to stop it earlier in the night but chose not to - that doesn't sound assertive to me.

Being assertive isn't about getting the other person to listen - that is beyond your control. However, it is about being clear about your needs and what you want to happen and then following up on any 'threats' you may have made.

You've said that you've given him a lot of 'last chances' - that's NOT being assertive, that's being submissive (completely the opposite). You've let him believe that what you say is not necessarily what you'll do so it's no surprise that all he hears is 'blah, blah, blah...' is it?

I think your actions in not wanting to intervene on the poker night and your saying that your OH doesn't listen does suggest that you are not as assertive as you think.

dottydee854

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

You've minunderstood what I said... those guys may not have realised the 'house rules' in your home - your OH didn't explain those 'rules' or pull them up on their behaviour... but nor did you when you saw what was going on. You had the chance to stop it earlier in the night but chose not to - that doesn't sound assertive to me.

Being assertive isn't about getting the other person to listen - that is beyond your control. However, it is about being clear about your needs and what you want to happen and then following up on any 'threats' you may have made.

You've said that you've given him a lot of 'last chances' - that's NOT being assertive, that's being submissive (completely the opposite). You've let him believe that what you say is not necessarily what you'll do so it's no surprise that all he hears is 'blah, blah, blah...' is it?

I think your actions in not wanting to intervene on the poker night and your saying that your OH doesn't listen does suggest that you are not as assertive as you think.

Yeah i see what your saying, but if you read above, im one woman againt 8 drunken men. Who i have no idea how they would behave if someone told them to get out, plus two tired kiddies who wanted me.

i thought i was assertive, i've told him what i wanted and needed, and again last night. Maybe i just need to man up a bit more.

Tiddlywinks

dottydee854 wrote: »

Yeah i see what your saying, but if you read above, im one woman againt 8 drunken men. Who i have no idea how they would behave if someone told them to get out, plus two tired kiddies who wanted me.

i thought i was assertive, i've told him what i wanted and needed, and again last night. Maybe i just need to man up a bit more.

... but, think about it, you didn't really have the confidence that your OH would step in and support you, did you? That's a big red flag that should tell you that you don't trust him to be there for you.

Yes, I do think you need to 'man up'! He needs to know you mean business and value yourself enough to refuse to accept his behaviour.

dottydee854

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

... but, think about it, you didn't really have the confidence that your OH would step in and support you, did you? That's a big red flag that should tell you that you don't trust him to be there for you.

Yes, I do think you need to 'man up'! He needs to know you mean business and value yourself enough to refuse to accept his behaviour.

That above, is exactly right. And i'm going to man up

burnoutbabe

Is it not his house as well? so allowed his mates over. I'd have drawn up ground rules in the start, at what time it would end - if you think 2am was fine, then it was still a very late night with your kids around anyway. You smoke in the house so its appears to be "okay" with windows thrown open the next day.

Who doesn't snack on left over take away pizza if found in the fridge? Its not like starting on a full roast thats sat in there.

You chucking out his mates would be very disrespectful to HIM. What you should have done is had a word with him and asked him to bring it to an end. That would sort it out (in most normal relationships).

(overall from other posts he sounds like a twonk, but in general both parties acted badly on the poker night)

dottydee854

burnoutbabe wrote: »

Is it not his house as well? so allowed his mates over. I'd have drawn up ground rules in the start, at what time it would end - if you think 2am was fine, then it was still a very late night with your kids around anyway. You smoke in the house so its appears to be "okay" with windows thrown open the next day.

Who doesn't snack on left over take away pizza if found in the fridge? Its not like starting on a full roast thats sat in there.

You chucking out his mates would be very disrespectful to HIM. What you should have done is had a word with him and asked him to bring it to an end. That would sort it out (in most normal relationships).

(overall from other posts he sounds like a twonk, but in general both parties acted badly on the poker night)

Ok this is all your opinion and i respect that, but no i dont CONSTANTLY smoke in the house, only on occasions where it is not possible becuase its bucketing down and im in my nightie ect, or i cant get outside. Friday night was a lovely night, no rain ect so no excuse and he knows this. At the end of the day, my arguement is he is not a child, he doesn't need ground rules they all are adults, he knows what is acceptable in the house as we have lived here and togheter long enough. Food was left out for them, for some random person to look through the fridge, is disrespectful, would you honestly raid someone else fridge when your around someones house for the first time? But who knows He could have lied to me. But i have no proof apart from a bit of pizza missing.

Exactly disrespectufl and i am not that type of person, and it wasn't my place to he is a adult and parent himself and knew the kids where upstairs ect.
And as i say, nothing is 'normal' in life, if you can define normal then please let me know I'd love to have a normal life.

Thanks for your insight and opinion it is appreciated x

burnoutbabe

Normal would be that you could say to your boyfriend "its 2am, think its best they leave now" and he winds up the game.

The ground rule appears to be undefined about when it finished, you thought 2am was fine (did you say this) so 4am seems pretty much the same thing (with 2 small kids around anything after 9 I'd have said was late anyway)

someone drunk eating some left over pizza would seem normal for a group of just over 20 year olds. I'd expect people to go in the fridge for cold beers (or even milk for coffee) anyway.

He sounds a lot younger than you, so its something to just accept he's a tad thoughtless or make ground rules much more clear in future about whats expecting about smoking and leaving times.

GobbledyGook

The Poker night would annoy me. There is no excuse for smashed furniture and I would have insisted he clear the mess up (I'd have taken the kids out rather than have to clear it for them to be in it). However I'd put that down to getting carried away.


The bookies incident would be the biggest issue I had. That's just downright rude, selfish and disrespectful. That said I would have popped inside and got the keys off him, but that I'd be livid about because that was putting the gambling before the 3 of you by leaving you hanging around.

You said you'd been together for 3 year, but can I ask how long you've lived together for?

It sounds to me like he's starting to take for granted that you are there and he can't be kicked out because he left everything for you and let his true selfishness show.

If you are worried at all that he has a gambling problem then keep a close eye on any joint credit or debit cards and any of yours he has access too.